5V 4526 
.J3 
1830 
Copy 1 




PRESENTED BY 



THE 



FAMILY MONITOR, 



OR A 



HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



By JOHN ANGELL JAMES, 

AUTHOR OF 11 THE CHRISTIAN FATHER'S PRESENT/' &C. &C. 



" Behold ! how good and how pleasant it is, for brethren to dwell 
together in unity. 

" It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down 
upon the beard, even Aaron's beard ; that went down to the skirts of 
his garments : As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that de- 
scended upon the mountains of Zion : for there the Lord commanded 
the blessing, even life for evermore." Psalm cxxxiii. 



NEW EDITION ENLARGED. 



BOSTON: 
PUBLISHED BY LEONARD W. KIMBALL, 
Pollok Press, 11 Cornhill, 

1830. 



PREFACE. 



The substance of the following chapters, was delivered 
by the Author in a course of sermons which followed 
a series of expository lectures on the Epistle to the 
Ephesians. The consecutive method of preaching, which 
he principally uses, is attended, he thinks, with this, 
among many other advantages, that it brings under the 
review of a minister, many subjects which would other- 
wise be overlooked ; affords an opportunity for the in- 
troduction of some topics, which, from their peculiarity, 
seem to require such a way of access to the pulpit ; and 
also furnishes an apology for the discussion of others, 
which the fastidiousness of modern delicacy has almost 
excluded from the range of pastoral admonition. On en- 
tering upon the first branch of relative duties, the Author 
was so much under the influence, perhaps improperly, of 
this excess of refinement, and felt so much the difficulty 
of making a public statement of the duties of husbands 
and wives, that he had determined at one time, to relieve 
himself from the embarrassment, by merely reading large 
extracts from Mr. Jay's beautiful sermon on this subject. 
After he had preached two discourses, and thus discharg- 
ed, as well as he was able, this rather perplexing task, 
he received a numerously signed petition from many hus- 
bands and their wives, belonging to his congregation, 



iv 



PREFACE. 



requesting that they might be permitted to read in print, 
the statement of their mutual obligations, which they had 
heard delivered with so much fidelity and impartiality 
from the pulpit. Instead of being limited by this request, 
the Author has gone beyond it, and sent forth the whole 
series of relative duties, thus furnishing a manual of 
advice, in which all the members of the household may 
find something appropriate to the peculiarity of their cir- 
cumstances. 

It is an unquestionable truth, that if a man be not 
happy at home, he cannot be happy any where ; and the 
converse of the proposition is no less true, that he who 
is happy there, need be miserable no where. " It is the 
place of all the world I love most," said the interesting 
Author of the Task, when speaking of home. And he 
may be felicited who can say the same. Any attempt, 
however feeble, to render the domestic circle what it ever 
should be, a scene of comfort, is at least benevolent. Nor 
is this a hopeless effort; for he who has the Bible in his 
hand, and speaks as the oracles of God, can disclose at 
once, and in few words, the important secret. The prin- 
ciples of greatest consequence to mankind, whether we 
refer to science or to morals, lie not buried deep in gloom 
and mystery, but are to be found, like the manna of the 
Israelites, upon the surface of things. The secret of 
happiness lies folded up in the leaves of the Bible, and is 
carried in the bosom of religion. The Author knows of 
no other way to felicity, and therefore does not profess to 
teach any other. Let the two parties in wedded life, be 
believers in Christ Jesus, and partake themselves of the 
peace that passeth understanding ; let them, when they 
become a father and a mother, bring up their children in 
the fear of God ; and as a master and a mistress, be dili- 
gent and successful in instructing their servants in the 
principles of religion, and if happiness is to be found up- 
on earth, it will be enjoyed within the hallowed circle of 
a family, thus united by love, and sanctified by grace. 



PREFACE. 



The Author does not deny, that much of worldly com- 
fort may be, and often is, enjoyed in some families, which 
neither possess nor profess a serious regard to the claims 
of religion ; while it must be acknowledged on the other 
hand, that there are to be found professors of religion, 
whose households are any thing but happy ones. In refe- 
rence to the former, it may be affirmed, that piety, while 
it would raise their enjoyment to a sublimer kind, and a 
higher degree of happiness in this world, would also per- 
petuate it through eternity ; and in reference to the latter, 
it may be remarked that their disquietude is not produced 
by religion, but occasioned by the want of it. A mere 
profession of the Christian faith, is rather a hindrance to 
felicity than a help : nothing short of real religion can be 
expected to yield its joys. 

In the following pages, there will be found numerous 
and long extracts from an incomparably excellent work, 
by the Rev. Christopher Anderson of Edinburgh, enti- 
tled "The Domestic Constitution." Of that volume, 
the Author feels that his own is not worthy, in any in- 
stance, to be the harbinger; but should he find that he 
has introduced any families to an acquaintance with a 
treatise, so well worthy of their most serious attention, he 
will be thankful for that measure of benefit, and rejoice 
that he has not labored in vain. 

Edglaston, September 13, 1828. 



(i*) 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

THE DOMESTIC CONSTITUTION, AND THE MUTUAL 

DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, .... 7 

CHAPTER II. 

THE SPECIAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, . 34 

CHAPTER III. 

SOME REMARKS ON THE FORMATION OF THE 

MARRIAGE UNION, 65 

CHAPTER IV. 

THE DUTIES OF PARENTS, 83 

CHAPTER V. 



THE DUTIES OF CHILDREN TO THEIR PARENTS, . 130 



CHAPTER VI. 

THE DUTIES OF MASTERS, 157 

CHAPTER VII. 

THE DUTIES OF SERVANTS, ........ 185 

CHAPTER VIII. 

ON THE FRATERNAL DUTIES, 207 



THE 



FAMILY MONITOR : 

OR A 

HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



CHAPTER L 

THE DOMESTIC CONSTITUTION, AND THE MUTUAL 
DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES. 

" By Thee 
Founded in reason, loyal, just and pure, 
Relations dear, and all the charities 
Of Father, Son, and Brother, first were known. 
Far be it that I should write thee, sin or blame, 
Or think thee unbefitting holiest place, 
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets '." Milton. 

A family ! Haw delightful the associations we form 
with such a word! How pleasing the images with 
which it crowds the mind, and how tender the emo- 
tions which it awakens in the heart ! Who can won- 
der that domestic happiness should be a theme dear 
to poetry, and that it should have called forth some 
of the sweetest strains of fancy and of feeling ? Or 
who can be surprised, that of all the sweets which 
present themselves in the vista of futurity, to the eye 
of those who are setting out on the journey of life, 
this should excite the most ardent desires, and engage 
the most active pursuits ? But alas ! of those who in 
the ardour of youth, start for the possession of this 
dear prize, how many fail ! And why ? Because 
their imagination alone is engaged in the subject: 
they have no definite ideas of what it means, nor of 
the way in which it is to be obtained. It is a mere 



8 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



lovely creation of a romantic mind, and oftentimes 
with such persons, fades away, 

" And like the baseless fabric of a vision, 
Leaves not a wreck behind." 

It may be of service, therefore, to lay open the 
sources of domestic happiness, and to show that these 
are to be found, not in the flowery regions of imagina- 
tion, but amidst the sober realities of piety, chaste 
love, prudence, and well formed connexions. These 
precious springs are within the reach of all who will 
take the right path that leads to them : and this is the 
way of knowledge. We must make ourselves ac- 
quainted with the nature, designs, and importance of 
the family compact: we must analyse this union to 
ascertain its elements, its laws, and its purposes. Who 
can be a good member of any state, without knowing 
the nature of its constitution, and the laws by which 
it is directed ? And it is equally vain to look for do- 
mestic happiness, without a clear insight into the 
ends and laws which Providence has laid down in the 
formation of the household. 

In the discussions which have been agitated, to settle 
the question, as to the form of civil government best 
adapted to secure the welfare of the human race, the 
family constitution has been too much overlooked. 
Speculation has been indulged, and theories proposed 
by their respective authors, in reference to the greater 
aggregations of society, with all the confidence of 
oracular authority ; while at the same time, it is evi- 
dent they have forgotten, how much the well being 
of states is dependant on the well being of the fami- 
lies of which all states are .composed. If there be 
any truth in the figure, by which a nation is compar- 
ed to a pillar, we should recollect, that while indi- 
viduals are the materials of which it is formed, it is 
the good condition of families that constitutes the 
cement which holds it together, and gives to its fine 
form, solidity and durability. Let this be wanting, 
and however inherently excellent the materials, how- 
ever elegant the shape, however ornamented the base, 
the shaft, or the capital may be, it contains in itself 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



9 



a principle of decay, an active cause of dilapidation 
and ruin. 

The domestic constitution is a divine institute. God 
formed it himself. He taketh the solitary, and setteth 
him in families ; and like all the rest of his works, it 
is well and wisely done. It is, as a system of gov- 
ernment, quite unique ; neither below the heavens, 
nor above them, is there any thing precisely like it. 
In some respects it resembles the civil government of 
a state ; in others, the ecclesiastical rule of a church; 
and it is there that the church and the state may be 
said to meet. " This meeting, however, is only on 
a very small scale, and under very peculiar circum- 
stances." When directed as it should be, every family 
has a sacred character, inasmuch as the head of it acts 
the part of both the prophet and priest of the house- 
hold, by instructing them in the knowledge, and lead- 
ing them in the worship of God ; while at the same 
time, he discharges the duties of a king, by Supporting 
a system of order, subordination, and discipline. Con- 
formably with its nature, is its design: beyond the 
benefit of the individuals which compose it, and which 
is its first and immediate object, it is intended to pro- 
mote the welfare of the national community to which 
it belongs, and of which it is a part: hence every 
nation has stamped a great value on the family com- 
pact, and guarded it with the most powerful sanctions. 
Well instructed, well ordered, and well governed fa- 
milies, are the springs, which, from their retirements, 
send forth the tributary streams that make up by their 
confluence, the majestic flow of national greatness 
and prosperity : nor can any state be prosperous, where 
family order and subordination are generally neglect- 
ed; nor otherwise than prosperous, whatever be its 
political form, where these are generally maintained. 
It is certainly under the wise instruction, and the 
impartial sceptre of a father, and within the little 
family circle, that the son becomes a good citizen ; it 
is by the fire side and upon the family hearth, that 
loyalty and patriotism and every public virtue grows j 
as it is in disordered families, that factious dema- 



10 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ' OR 



gogues, and turbulent rebels, and tyrannical oppres- 
sors, are trained up to be their neighbor's torment, or 
their country's scourge. It is there that the thorn 
and the briar, to use the elegant simile of the prophet, 
or the myrtle and the fir tree are reared, which are 
in future time, to be the ornament and defence, or the 
deformity and misery of the land. 

But has the domestic constitution a reference only 
to the present world and its perishable interests ? By 
no means. All God's arrangements for man, view 
him, and are chiefly intended for him, in his relation 
to eternity. The eye of Deity is upon that immortality 
to which he has destined the human race. " Every 
family has, in fact, a sacred character belonging to it, 
which may indeed, be forgotten or disdained ; but the 
family is constituted, and ought, therefore, to be con- 
ducted with the prospect of the rising generation 
following that which precedes it, not only to the grave, 
but to eternity."* Every member of every household 
is an immortal creature ; every one that leaves the 
circle by death, goes into an eternity of torment or 
of bliss. Now since all the institutes of God look to 
another world as their chief and ultimate reference, 
surely, surely, that institute which is the most power- 
ful of all, in the formation of character, must be con- 
sidered as set up with a special intention to prepare 
the subjects of it for " glory, honor, immortality, and 
eternal life." 

No one judges aright of this household compact, 
nor can any be in a capacity rightly to perform its du- 
ties, who does not consider this double relation which 
it bears to the state and to the church, and who does 
not view it as a preparatory system, for training up the 
good citizen and the real christian. And for these ob- 
jects, how great is the power which it really possesses : 
how considerable is the mutual influence of husbands 
and wives, in moulding each others tastes, or modify- 
ing each others dispositions ; of parents, in forming the 
character of their children and servants ; and of broth- 
ers and sisters, in stimulating and guiding each others 



* Anderson. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 11 



pursuits. The power of other constitutions is remote, 
occasional, and feeble ; but this is close, constant, and 
mighty. With other systems, the character is only 
casually brought into contact ; but this always touches 
us. We live, and move, and have our being, in the 
very centre of it. So powerful is the influence of 
this association on its members, that it has preserved 
them, by the blessing of God, in the possession of 
piety and morality, in times and places of the greatest 
corruption of manners. " On what vantage ground 
does the conscientious christian parent here stand! 
The springs of public and social life may be greatly 
corrupted ; the nation in which he dwells may degen- 
erate into licentiousness, into idolatry, or into the most 
daring infidelity. Retiring then to this sacred enclo- 
sure, he may entrench himself, and there, lifting up a 
standard for God, either wait the approach of bet- 
ter days, or leave a few behind him, on whom the 
best blessings of those days, will certainly descend. 
Though the heavens be shut up and there be no dew, 
the little enclosures which he cultivates, like the 
fleece of Gideon, will discover evident marks of the 
Divine favor. It actually seems as though in the wide 
scene, where the vices of the age, may, and can reign 
triumphant, this were some secure and sacred retreat, 
into which they cannot, dare not enter."* 

It must be evident, however, that the great ends of 
the domestic economy, cannot be kept in view, nor 
the moral power of it displayed, unless the heads of it 
rightly understand their duty, and have a disposition 
properly to perform it. They must be christians in 
reality, or no christian government can be maintained. 
Where religion is wanting as the basis of their union, 
these happy fruits of it cannot be expected. The in- 
ferior and secondary object may be accomplished in 
the absence of parental piety, though neither so cer- 

* Mr. Anderson, in support and illustration of this beautiful senti- 
ment, brings forward the families of the Kenites, and the Rechabites, 
whose history he traces, and shews it to be like a pure and vigorous 
stream, urging its course through a turbid lake, with the waters of 
which it refuses to blend, and maintaining its own characteristic, 
amidst surrounding impurity. 



12 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



tainly, nor so effectually ; but as to the more sublime 
and permanent end of the family constitution, which 
connects its members with the church of God on earth, 
and the company of the redeemed in heaven, this can- 
not be looked for, where the father and the mother 
are destitute of true religion. Oh, how many inte- 
resting households are to be found, where all the mere 
social virtues are cultivated with assiduity, where the 
domestic charities all flourish, and public excellence 
is cherished, but which, on account of the want of vital 
godliness, are still losing the highest end of their 
union, are carrying on no preparatory course of educa- 
tion for the skies, and are destined to be swept away 
with the wreck of the nations that know not God, and 
the wicked who shall be turned into hell. Alas, afas ! 
that from such sweet scenes, such lovely retreats of 
connubial love and domestic peace, to which learning, 
science, wealth, elegance, have been admitted, reli- 
gion should be excluded ; and that while many wise 
and interesting guests are continually welcomed to 
the house, He only should be refused, who blessed 
the little family of Bethany ; who, wherever he goes, 
carries salvation in his train, and gives immortality to 
the joys which would otherwise perish for ever. 

Precious, indeed, are the joys of a happy family ; 
but, oh, how fleet! How soon must the circle be 
broken up, how suddenly may it be ! What scenes 
of delight, resembling gay visions of fairy bliss, have 
all been unexpectedly wrapt in shadow and gloom, by 
misfortune, by sickness, by death. The last enemy 
has entered the paradise, and by expelling one of its 
tenants, has embittered the scene to the rest; the 
ravages of death have been in some cases followed by 
the desolations of poverty, and they who once dwelt 
together in the happy enclosure, have been separated 
and scattered to meet no more. But religion, true 
religion, if it be possessed, will gather them together 
again, after this destruction of their earthly ties, and 
conduct them to another paradise, into which no ca- 
lamity shall enter, and from which, no joy shall ever 
depart. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 13 

Happy then would it be, for all who stand related 
by these household ties, if the bonds of nature were 
hallowed and rendered permanent by those of divine 
grace. To found our union on any basis which does 
not contain religion in its formation, is to erect it on 
a quicksand, and to expose it to the fury of a thou- 
sand billows, each of which may overturn the fabric 
of our comfort in a moment: but to rest it upon reli- 
gion, is to found it upon a rock, where we shall indi- 
vidually still find a refuge, when the nearest and the 
dearest relations are swept away by the tide of dis- 
solution. 

It is a pleasing reflection, that the domestic consti- 
tution depends not for its existence, its laws, its right 
administration, or its rich advantages, either upon 
family possessions, or the forms of national policy. It 
may live and flourish in all its tender charities, and 
all its sweet felicities, and all its moral power, in 
the cottage as well as in the mansion ; under the 
shadow of liberty, and even under the scorching heat 
of tyranny. Like the church of which it is in some 
respects the emblem, it accommodates itself to every 
changing form of surrounding society, to every nation 
and to every age. Forming with the church the only 
two institutions ever set up by God, as to their frame 
work ; like its kindred institute, it remains amidst the 
ruins of the fall, the lapse of ages, and the changes of 
human affairs, the monument of what has been, the 
standing prediction of what shall be. Tyrants that 
crush the liberties of a state, cannot destroy the con- 
stitution of the family: and even persecutors that 
silence the preacher, and scatter the congregation, 
cannot hush the voice of parental instruction, or ex- 
tinguish parental influence. Religion, hunted and 
driven by human power from the place of public con- 
course, would still find a retreat, as it often has done 
under such circumstances, in the household of faith ; 
and there would keep alive upon the family altar, 
that holy fire, with which the sacrifices of the temple, 
under 'happier auspices, shall be offered. Neither 
families nor the church of the redeemed, shall ever 
2 



14 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



be entirely lost, whatever changes the world may yet 
have to pass through : " but blessing and being blest, 
will of themselves alone one day introduce the mil- 
lennium."* 

To all, therefore, who are united in the bonds of 
this relationship, I offer the consideration of these 
pages ; which prescribe duties, and present advan- 
tages, belonging alike to all. Domestic happiness, in 
many respects, resembles the manna which was grant- 
ed to the Israelites, in the wilderness ; like that pre- 
cious food, it is the gift of God which cometh down 
from heaven; it is not to be purchased with money; 
it is dispensed alike to the rich and to the poor, and 
accommodates itself to every taste ; it is given with 
an abundance that meets the wants of all who desire 
it; to be obtained, it must be religiously sought in 
God's own way of bestowing it; and is granted to man 
as a refreshment during his pilgrimage through this 
wilderness, to the celestial Canaan. 

Marriage is the foundation of the domestic 
constitution : this, says the apostle, " is honorable in 
all ;" and he has condemned, as " a doctrine of devils," 
the opinions of those by whom it is forbidden. It is 
an institute of God, was established in Eden, was 
honored by the personal attendance of Christ, and 
furnished an occasion for the first of that splendid 
series of miracles, by which he proved himself to be 
the Son of God, and the Saviour of the world. But 
there is another mark of distinction put upon it by the 
Holy Ghost, where it is said, " This is a great mys- 
tery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church." 
Eph. v. 32. Many commentators, I am aware, con- 
sider the term mystery as having no allusion to the 
nuptial tie, but as applying exclusively to the union 
of Christ and the church. If this be the case, it 
seems difficult to account for the introduction of this 
union at all, or to explain what bearing it has upon the 
subject in hand. Besides, the two-fold reference to 
the mediatorial undertaking of Christ, which is made 
by the apostle, when he enforces the duties of hus- 



* See Anderson and DwighL 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



15 



band and wife, seems to confirm the opinion, that he 
represents the conjugal union, as a type or symbol of 
the close and endearing relation in which the church 
stands to its divine Redeemer. Nothing can throw a 
higher sanctity over this connexion, nor invest it with 
greater honor than such a view of it. Distinguishing, 
as it does, man from brutes ; providing not only for the 
continuance, but for the comfort of our species ; con- 
taining at once, the source of human happiness, and of 
all those virtuous emotions and generous sensibilities, 
which refine and adorn the character of man, it can 
never as a general subject be guarded with too much 
solicitous vigilance, nor be contracted, in particular 
instances, with too much prudence and care. 

In proportion to the importance of the connexion 
itself, must be a right view and a due performance of 
the obligations arising out of it. 

First There are duties common to both par- 
ties. 

Secondly. There are duties more particularly 

ENJOINED UPON EACH. 

My first object will be to state those duties which 

ARE COMMON TO BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

1. The first which I mention, and which is the 
ground of all the rest, is love. 

Let this be wanting, and marriage is degraded at 
once into a brutal or a sordid compact. This duty, 
which, though for reasons which we shall consider in 
due place, is specially enjoined on the husband, be- 
longs equally to the wife. It must be mutual, or there 
can be no happiness ; none for the party which does 
not love, for how dreadful the idea of being chained 
for life to an individual for whom we have no affec- 
tion ; to be almost ever in the company of a person 
from whom we are driven back by revulsion, yet driven 
back upon a bond which prevents all separation and 
escape ; nor can there be any happiness for the party 
that does love ; such an unrequited affection must 
soon expire, or live only to consume that wretched 
heart in which it burns. A married couple without 
mutual regard, is one of the most pitiable spectacles 



16 



THE FAMILY MONITOR *. OR 



on earth. They cannot, and, indeed, in ordinary 
circumstances, ought not to separate, and yet they 
remain united only to be a torment to each other. 
They serve one important purpose, however, in the 
history of mankind, and that is, to be a beacon to all 
who are yet disengaged, to warn them against the sin 
and folly of forming this union, upon any other basis 
than that of a pure and mutual attachment; and to 
admonish all that are so united, to watch with most 
assiduous vigilance their mutual regard, that nothing 
be allowed to damp the sacred flame. 

As the union should be formed on the basis of love, 
so should great care be taken, especially in the early 
stages of it, that nothing might arise to unsettle or 
loosen our attachments. Whatever knowledge we 
may obtain of each others tastes and habits before 
marriage, it is neither so accurate, so comprehensive, 
nor so impressive, as that which we acquire by living 
together ; and it is of prodigious consequence, that 
when little defects are first noticed, and trivial faults 
and oppositions first occur, they should not be allowed 
to produce an unfavorable impression upon the mind. 
The remarks of Bishop Jeremy Taylor in his inimita- 
bly beautiful sermon, entitled, "The Marriage Ring," 
are so much in point, that I shall introduce a long ex- 
tract in reference to this idea. 

"Man and wife are equally concerned to avoid all 
offences of each other in the beginning of their con- 
versation ; every little thing can blast an infant blos- 
som, and the breath of the south can shake the little 
rings of the vine, when first they begin to curl like the 
locks of a new weaned boy ; but when by age and 
consolidation they stiffen into the hardness of a stem, 
and have by the warm rays of the sun, and the kisses 
of heaven, brought forth their clusters, they can endure 
the storms of the north, and the loud noises of a tem- 
pest, and yet never be broken : so are the early unions 
of an unfixed marriage ; watchful and observant, jeal- 
ous and busy, inquisitive and careful, and apt to take 
alarm at every unkind word. For infirmities do not 
manifest themselves in the first scenes, but in the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 17 



succession of a long society ; and it is not chance or 
weakness when it appears at first, but it is want of 
love or prudence, or it will be so expounded ; and that 
which appears ill at first, usually affrights the inexpe- 
rienced man or woman, who makes unequal conjec- 
tures, and fancies mighty sorrows by the proportions 
of the new and early unkindness. It is a very great 
passion, or a huge folly, or a certain want of love, that 
cannot preserve the colors and beauties of kindness, 
so long as public honesty requires a man to wear their 
sorrows for the death of a friend. Plutarch compares 
a new marriage to a vessel before the hoops are on, 
every thing dissolves its tender compaginations ; but 
when the joints are stiffened and are tied by a firm 
compliance and proportioned bending*, scarcely can it 
be dissolved without fire, or the violence of iron. After 
the hearts of the man and the wife are endeared and 
hardened by a mutual confidence and experience, 
longer than artifice and pretence can last, there are a 
great many remembrances, and some things present, 
that dash all little unkindnesses in pieces. 

" Let a man and wife be careful to stifle little things, 
that as fast as they spring, they be cut down and trod 
upon; for if they be suffered to grow by numbers, 
they make the spirit peevish, and the society trouble- 
some, and the affections loose and uneasy by an ha- 
bitual aversion. Some men are more vexed with a fly 
than with a wound ; and when the gnats disturb our 
sleep, and the reason is disquieted, but not perfectly 
awakened, it is often seen that he is fuller of trouble 
than if in the day light of his reason he were to con- 
test with a potent enemy. In the frequent little acci- 
dents of a family, a man's reason cannot always be 
awake ; and when his discourses are imperfect and a 
trifling trouble makes him yet more restless, he is soon 
betrayed to the violence of passion. It is certain that 
the man or woman are in a state of weakness and folly 
then, when they can be troubled with a trifling acci- 
dent ; and therefore it is not good to tempt their affec- 
tions, when they are in that state of danger. In this 
case the caution is, to subtract fuel from the sudden 
2* 



18 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



flame ; for stubble, though it be quickly kindled, yet it 
is as soon extinguished, if it be not blown by a per- 
tinacious breath, or fed with new materials. Add no 
new provocations to the accident, and do not inflame 
this, and peace will soon return, and the discontent 
will pass away soon, as the sparks from the collision 
of a flint; ever remembering, that discontents pro- 
ceeding from daily little things, do breed a secret un- 
discernable disease, which is more dangerous than a 
fever proceeding from a discerned notorious surfeit." 

If they would preserve love, let them be sure to 
study most accurately each others tastes and distates, 
and most anxiously abstain from whatever, even in the 
minutest things, they know to be contrary to them. 
The ancients in their conjugal allegories, used to re- 
present Mercury standing by Venus, to signify that 
by fair language, and sweet entreaties, the minds of 
each other should be united. 

If they would preserve love, let them most carefully 
avoid all curious and frequently repeated distinctions 
of mine and thine : for this hath caused all the laws, 
and all the suits, and all the wars in the world ; let 
them who have but one person, have also but one in- 
terest. Instances may occur in which there may and 
must be, a separate investiture of property, and a sove- 
reign independent right of disposal in the woman ; in 
this case, the most anxious care should be taken by 
the husband not to attempt to invade that right, and 
by the wife, neither ostentaciously to speak of it, nor 
rigidly to claim it, nor selfishly to exercise it. In 
ordinary cases, " they should be heirs to each other, 
if they die childless ; and if there be children, the wife 
should be with them a partner in the inheritance. But 
during their life the use and employment is common 
to both their necessities, and in this there is no other 
difference of right, but that the man hath the dispen- 
sation of all, and may keep it from his wife, just as the 
governor of a town may keep it from the right owner; 
he hath the power, but not the right to do so." 

2. Mutual respect is a duty of married life; for 
though as we shall afterwards consider, especial reve- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 19 



rence is due from the wife, yet is respect due from the 
husband also. 

As it is difficult to respect those, who are not enti- 
tled to it on any other ground than superior rank or 
oommon relationship, it is of immense consequence, 
that we should present to each other, that conduct 
which deserves respect and commands it. Moral es- 
teem is one of the firmest supports, and strongest 
guards of love ; and a high degree of excellence can- 
not fail to produce such esteem. We are more accu- 
rately known to each other in this connexion, than 
either to the world, or even to our own servants and 
children. The privacies of such a relationship lay 
open our motives, and all the interior of our character ; 
so that we are better known to each other than we are 
to ourselves. If therefore, we would be respected, we 
should be respectable. Charity covers a multitude of 
faults, it is true ; but we must not presume too far 
upon the credulity and blindness of affection ; there 
is a point beyond which, even love cannot be blind to 
the crimson coloring of a guilty action. Every piece 
of really sinful conduct, the impropriety of which can- 
not be mistaken, tends to sink us in each others es- 
teem, and thus to remove the safeguards of affection. 
Perhaps this has not been sufficiently thought of in 
wedded life, the parties of which have been sometimes 
anxious merely to cover their delinquencies from the 
world, forgetful that it is a dreadful thing to lose their 
mutual respect. It is delightfully striking to observe, 
how some pairs, of eminent moral worth, regard each 
other ; what reverence is blended with their love, and 
how like to angel forms of heavenly excellence they 
appear to one another. 

In all the conduct of the conjugal state then, there 
should be the most marked and unvarying mutual re- 
spect even in little things : there must be no searching 
after faults, nor examining, with microscopic scrutiny, 
such as cannot be concealed ; no reproachful epithets ; 
no rude contempt; no incivility; no cold neglect: 
there should be courtesy without ceremony; polite- 
ness without formality ; attention without slavery ; it 



20 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



should, in short, be the tenderness of love, supported 
by esteem, and guided by politeness. And then, we 
must maintain our mutual respectability before others ; 
strangers, friends, servants, children, must all be 
taught to respect us, from what they see in our own 
behavior. It is in the highest degree improper, for 
either party to do an action, to say a word, or assume 
a look, that shall have the remotest tendency to lower 
the other in public esteem. 

3. Mutual attachment to each other's soci- 
ety, is a common duty of husband and wife. 

We are united to be companions ; to live together, 
to walk together, to talk together. The husband is 
commanded "to dwell with the wife according to 
knowledge." " This," says Mr. Jay, " intends noth- 
ing less than residence, opposed to absence and rov- 
ing. It is absurd, for those who have no prospect of 
dwelling together, to enter this state ; and those who 
are already in it, should not be unnecessarily abroad. 
Circumstances of various kinds will doubtless render 
occasional excursions unavoidable ; but let a man re- 
turn as soon as the design of his absence is accom- 
plished, and let him always travel with the words of 
Solomon in his mind, 4 As a bird that wandereth from 
her nest, so is a man that wandereth from his place.' 
Can a man while from home, discharge the duties he 
owes to his household ? Can he discipline his child- 
ren ? Can he maintain the worship of God in his 
family ? I know it is the duty of the wife to lead the 
devotion in the absence of the husband; and she 
should take it up as a cross, if not for the time as a 
privilege. Few, however, are thus disposed, and 
hence one of the sanctuaries of God for weeks and 
months together is shut up. — I am sorry to say, that 
there are some husbands who seem fonder of any so- 
ciety than the company of their wives. It appears in 
the disposal of their leisure hours. How few of these 
are appropriated to the wife ! The evenings are the 
most domestic periods of the day. To these the wife 
is peculiarly entitled — she is now^most free from her 
numerous cares, and most at liberty to enjoy read- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 21 

ing and conversation. It is a sad reflection upon a 
man when he is fond of spending his evenings abroad. 
It implies something bad, and it predicts something 
worse." 

And then to ensure as far as possible, the society 
of her husband, at his own fire side, let the wife be " a 
keeper at home," and do all in her power to render 
that fire side as attractive as good tegnper, neatness, 
and cheerful, affectionate conversation can make it ; 
let her strive to make his own home, the soft green 
on which his heart loves to repose in the sunshine of 
domestic enjoyment. We can easily imagine, that 
even in Paradise, when man had no apparition of 
guilt, no visions of crime, no spectral voice from a 
troubled conscience, to make him dread solitude, and 
flee from it, that even then, Adam liked not, on his 
return from the labor of dressing the garden, to find 
Eve absent from their bower, but wanted the smile of 
her countenance to light up his own, and the music of 
her voice to be the melody of his soul. Think, then, 
how much more in his fallen estate, with guilt upon 
his conscience, and care pressing upon his heart, does 
man now, on coming from the scenes of his anxious 
toil, need the aid of woman's companionship, to drive 
away the swarm of buzzing cares, that light upon the 
heart to sting it ; to soothe the brow ruffled with sad- 
ness ; to tranquillize the bosom agitated with passion ; 
and at once to reprove and comfort the mind that has 
in some measure yielded to temptation. O, woman! 
thou knowest the hour when " the good man of the 
house" will return, at mid-day, while the sun is yet bow- 
ing down the laborer with the fierceness of his beams, 
or at evening, when the heat and burden of the day are 
past ; do not let him, at such a time, when he is weary 
with exertion, and faint with discouragement, find, upon 
his coming to his habitation, that the foot which should 
hasten to meet him, is wandering at a distance, that 
the soft hand which should wipe away the sweat from 
his brow, is knocking at the door of other houses : nor 
let him find a wilderness, where he should enter a gar- 
den ; confusion, where he ought to see order ; or filth 



22 THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 

that disgusts, where he might hope to behold neatness, 
that delights and attracts. If this be the case, who 
can wonder, that in the anguish of disappointment, and 
in the bitterness of a neglected and heart stricken 
husband, he turns away from his door, for that comfort 
which he wished to enjoy at home, and that society 
which he hoped to find in his wife, and put up with 
the substitutes for both, which he finds in the houses 
of other men, or in the company of other women. 

United to be associates then, let man and wife be 
as much in each other's society as possible : and there 
must be something wrong in domestic life, when they 
need the aid of balls, routs, plays, card parties, to re- 
lieve them from the tedium produced by home pur- 
suits. I thank God, I am a stranger to that taste, 
which leads a man to flee from his own comfortable 
parlor, and the society of his wife, from the instruc- 
tion and recreation contained in a well-stored library, 
or the evening rural walk, when the business of the 
day is over, to scenes of public amusement for enjoy- 
ment; to my judgement, the pleasures of home, and 
of home society, when home and home society, are all 
that could be desired, are such as never cloy, and 
need no change, but from one kindred scene to an- 
other. I am sighing and longing, perhaps in vain, for 
a period, when society shall be so elevated, and so 
purified ; when the love of knowledge will be so in- 
tense, and the habits of life will be so simple ; when 
religion and morality will be so generally diffused, 
that men's homes will be the seat and circle of their 
pleasures ; when in the society of an affectionate and 
intelligent wife, and of well educated children, each 
will find his greatest earthly delight; and when it 
will be felt to be no more necessary to happiness, to 
quit their own fire side for the' ball room or the con- 
cert, than it is to go from the well spread table, to the 
public feast, to satisfy the cravings of a healthy appe- 
tite ; then will it be no longer imposed upon us to 
prove, that public amusements are improper, for they 
will be found to be unnecessary. 

But the pleasures of home must not be allowed to 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 23 

interfere with the calls and claims of public duty. 
Wives must not ask, and husbands must not give, that 
time which is demanded for the cause of God and 
man. This is an age of active charity, and the great 
public institutions which are set up, cannot be kept 
in operation, without great sacrifices of time and lei- 
sure by very many persons. Those, who by their wis- 
dom, talents, rank, or property, receive the confidence 
of the public, must stand prepared to fill up and con- 
duct the executive departments of our societies ; nor 
should they allow the soft allurements of their own 
houses, to draw them away from what is obviously the 
post of duty. We have known some, who, till they 
entered into wedded life, were the props and pillars 
of our institutions, yield so far to the solicitations of 
their new and dearest earthly friend, as to vacate their 
seat at the board of management, for ever after. It 
is, indeed, a costly way of contributing to the cause 
of religion and humanity, to give those evening hours 
which could be spent so pleasantly in a country walk, 
or in the joint perusal of some interesting volume ; 
but who can do good, or ought to wish to do it, with- 
out sacrifices ? I know an eminently holy and useful 
minister, who told the lady to whom he was about to 
be united, that one of the conditions of their marriage 
was, that she should never ask him for that time, which, 
on any occasion, he felt it to be his duty to give to 
God. And surely, any woman might feel herself more 
blessed in having sometimes to endure the loss of a 
husband's society, whose presence and talents were 
coveted by all public institutions, than in being left to 
the unmolested enjoyment of the company of one, 
whose assistance was coveted by none. 

4. Mutual forbearance is another duty. 

This we owe to all, not excepting the stranger, or 
an enemy ; and most certainly it must not be denied 
to our nearest and dearest earthly friend. For the 
charity that suffereth long and is kind ; that envieth 
not; vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up; that doth 
not behave itself unseemly ; seeketh not her own; is 
not easily provoked ; thinketh no evil ; rejoiceth not in 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



iniquity, but rejoice th in the truth ; that covereth all 
things ; believeth all things ; hopeth all things ; en- 
dure th all things : for this charity there is both need 
and room in every relation of life. Wherever sin or 
imperfection exists, there is scope for the forbearance 
of love. There is no perfection upon earth. Lovers, 
it is true, often fancy they have found it ; but the more 
sober judgement of husbands and wives, generally 
corrects the mistake; and first impressions of this 
kind, generally pass away with first love. We should 
all enter the marriage state, remembering that we are 
about to be united to a fallen creature ; and as in 
every case, as Mr. Bolton remarks, it is not two angels 
that have met together, but two sinful children of 
Adam, from whom must be looked for much weakness 
and waywardness, we must make up our minds to 
some imperfection; and remembering that we have 
no small share of our own that calls for the forbear- 
ance of the other party, shall exercise the patience 
that we ask. Where both have infirmities, and they 
are so constantly together, innumerable occasions 
will be furnished, if we are eager, or even willing to 
avail ourselves of the opportunities for those conten- 
tions, which, if they do not produce a permanent sup- 
pression of love, lead to its temporary interruption. 
Many things we should connive at, others we should 
pass by with an unprovoked mind, and in all things 
most carefully avoid even what at first may seem to 
be an innocent disputation. Affection does not for- 
bid, but actually demands that we should mutually 
point out our faults ; but this should be done in all 
the meekness of wisdom, united with all the tender- 
ness of love, lest we only increase the evil we intend 
to remove, or substitute a greater one in its place. 
Justice, as well as wisdom, requires that in every case, 
we set the good qualities against the bad ; and in 
most cases we shall find some redeeming excellencies, 
which, if they do not reconcile us to the failings we 
deplore, should at least teach us to bear them with 
patience : and the more we contemplate these better 
aspects of the character, the brighter will they appear 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



25 



for it is an indubitable fact, that while faults diminish, 
virtues magnify, in proportion as they are steadily 
contemplated. As to bitterness of language, and vio- 
lence of conduct, this is so utterly disgraceful, and in 
the circle which I am accustomed to instruct, alto- 
gether so rare and unusual, that it scarcely need be 
introduced even by way of cautioning against it. The 
ancients, we are informed, took the gall from their nup- 
tial sacrifices, and cast it behind the altar, to intimate 
the removal of all bitterness from the marriage state. 

5. Mutual assistance is the duty of husbands and 
wives. 

This applies to the cares of life. Women are not 
usually very conversant with matters of trade, but still 
their counsel may be sought in a thousand cases with 
propriety and advantage. The husband should never 
undertake any thing of importance, without communi- 
cating the matter to his wife ; who, on her part, instead 
of shrinking from the responsibility of a counsellor, and 
leaving him to struggle alone with his difficulties and 
perplexities, should invite him to communicate freely 
all his anxieties : for if she cannot counsel, she can 
comfort; if she cannot relieve his cares, she can 
help to bear them ; if she cannot direct the course of 
his trade, she may the current of his feelings ; if she 
cannot open any source of earthly wisdom, she can 
spread the matter before the Father and fountain of 
lights. Many men under the idea of delicacy to their 
wives, keep all their difficulties to themselves, which 
only prepares them to feel the stroke the heavier when 
it does come. 

And then, as the wife should be willing to help the 
husband, in matters of business, he should be willing 
to share with her, the burden of domestic anxieties 
and fatigue. Some go too far, and utterly degrade the 
female head of the family, by treating her as if her 
honesty or ability could not be trusted in the manage- 
ment of the domestic economy. They keep the mo- 
ney, and dole it out as if they were parting with their 
life's blood, grudging every shilling they dispense, and 
requiring an account as rigid as they would from a 
3 




26 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



suspected servant ; they take charge of every thing, 
give out every thing, interfere in every thing. This 
is to despoil a woman of her authority, to thrust her 
from her proper place, to insult and degrade her be- 
fore her children and servants. Some, on the other 
hand, go to the opposite extreme, and take no share 
in any thing. My heart has ached to see the slavery 
of some devoted, hard working, and ill used wives ; 
after laboring all day amidst the ceaseless toils of a 
young and numerous family, they have had to pass 
the hours of evening in solitude, while their husbands, 
instead of coming home to cheer them by their society, 
or to relieve them for only half an hour of their fatigue, 
have been either at a party or a sermon : and then 
have these hapless women had to wake and watch 
the live long night, over a sick or restless babe, while 
the men whom they accepted as the partner of their 
sorrows, were sleeping by their side, unwilling to give 
a single hour of their slumber, though it was to allow 
a little repose to their toil-worn wives. Why, even the 
irrational creatures shame such men ; for it is a well 
known fact, that the male bird takes his turn upon the 
nest during the season of incubation, to aljow the fe- 
male time to renew her strength by food and rest: and 
with her, also, goes in diligent quest of food, and feeds 
the young ones when they cry. No man should think 
of marrying, who does not stand prepared to share, as 
far as he can do it with his wife, the burden of domes- 
tic cares. 

They should be helpful to each other in the concerns 
of personal religion. This is clearly implied in the 
Apostle's language. "For what knowest thou, O 
wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband ? Or how 
knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy 
wife ? w * Where both parties are unconverted, or only 
one of them is yet a partaker of true piety, there should 
be the most anxious, judicious, and affectionate efforts 
for their salvation. How heathenish a state is it, to 
enjoy together the comforts of marriage, and then 
travel in company to eternal perdition ; to be mutual 
* 1 Corinthians, vii. 16. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 27 



comforters on earth, and then mutual tormentors in 
hell ; to be companions in felicity in time, and com- 
panions in torment through eternity. And where both 
parties are real christians, there should be the exercise 
of a constant reciprocal solicitude, watchfulness and 
care, in reference to their spiritual and eternal welfare. 
One of the ends which every believer should propose 
to himself, on entering the marriage state, is to secure 
one faithful friend, at least, who will be a helpmate for 
him in reference to another world, and to assist him 
in the great business of his soul's salvation, and that 
will pray for him and with him ; one that will affec- 
tionately tell him of his sins and his defects, viewed 
in the light of a christian ; one that will stimulate and 
draw him by the power of a holy example, and the 
sweet force of persuasive words ; one that will warn 
him in temptation, comfort him in dejection, and in 
every way assist him in his pilgrimage to the skies. 
The highest end of the connubial state is lost, if it be 
not rendered helpful to our piety ; and yet this end is 
too generally neglected, even by professors of religion. 
Do we converse with each other as we ought on the 
high themes of redemption by Christ, and eternal sal- 
vation ? Do we study each other's dispositions, snares, 
troubles, decays in piety, that we may apply suita- 
ble remedies ? Do we exhort one another daily, lest 
we should be hardened through the deceitfulness of 
sin ? Do we practice fidelity without censoriousness ; 
and administer praise without flattery ? Do we invite 
one another to the most quickening and edifying 
means of a public nature, and recommend the perusal 
of such instractive and improving books as we have 
found beneficial to ourselves ? Do we mutually lay 
open the state of our minds on the subject of personal 
religion, and state our perplexities, our joys, our fears, 
our sorrows ? Alas, alas, who must not blush at their 
neglects in these particulars ? And yet, such neglect 
is as criminal, as it is common. Fleeing from the 
wrath to come, and yet not doing all we can to aid 
each other's escape ! Contending side by side for the 
crown of glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life, 



28 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



and yet not doing all we can to ensure each other's 
success ! Is this love ? Is this the tenderness of con- 
nubial affection ? 

This mutual help should extend to the maintenance 
of all the habits of domestic order, discipline, and piety. 
The husband is to be the prophet, priest, and king of 
the family, to instruct their minds, to lead their devo- 
tions, and to govern their tempers ; but in all that re- 
lates to these important objects, the wife is to be of 
one mind with him. They are in these matters, to be 
workers together, neither of them leaving the other to 
labor alone, much less opposing or thwarting what is 
done. " When the sun shines, the moon disappears ; 
when he sets, she appears and shines ; so when the 
husband is at home, he leads domestic worship, when 
he is absent, the wife must ever take his place." Some 
men refer the instruction of young children exclusively 
to their wives, and some wives, as soon as the child- 
ren are too old to be taught upon the knee, think that 
they are exclusively the subjects of paternal care. 
This is a mistake in the important economy of the fa- 
mily, the members of which are never too young to 
be taught and disciplined by the father, nor too old to 
be admonished and warned by the mother: he may 
sometimes have a great influence in awing the rude 
spirits of the younger branches ; while her soft per- 
suasive accents may have delightful power to melt 
or break the hard and stubborn hearts of older ones. 
Thus they who have a joint interest in a family, must 
attend to them in the exercise of a joint labor. 

They must be helpful to each other in ivorks of hu- 
manity and religious benevolence. 

Their mutual influence should be exerted, not in 
restraining, but in stimulating zeal, compassion, and 
liberality. What a beautiful picture of domestic life 
is drawn by the pen of the Old Testament historian. 
" And it fell on a day that Elisha passed to Shunem, 
where was a great woman ; and she constrained him to 
eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, 
he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto 
her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is a holy 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS 29 



man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us 
make a little chamber on the wall, and let us set for 
him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a can- 
dlestick, and it shall be, that when he cometh to us, 
he shall turn in thither. And it fell on a day that he 
came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay 
there."* Every part of this scene is lovely. The 
generous and pious wish of the wife, to provide ac- 
commodations for a destitute and dependant prophet ; 
her prompt and prudent effort to interest her husband 
in the scheme of her benevolence ; her discreet and 
modest keeping of her place in not acting without his 
permission ; her dignified claim of a right to be asso- 
ciated with him in this work of mercy, for said she, let 
us make a little chamber on the wall ; all is delightful, 
and as it should be, on her part: and no less so on the 
part of the man ; for there was no surly refusal, no 
proud rejection of the plan, because it did not originate 
with him, no covetous plea for setting it aside, on the 
ground of expense. Delighted, as every husband 
should be, to gratify the benevolent wishes, and sup- 
port the liberal schemes of his wife, so far as prudence 
will allow, he consented ; the little chamber was erect- 
ed, and furnished by this holy pair, and soon occupied 
by the prophet : and never was a generous action more 
speedily or more richly rewarded. Elisha had no 
means of his own, by which to acknowledge the kind- 
ness ; but he who said in after times, "he that receiv- 
eth a prophet in the name of a prophet, shall receive 
a prophet's reward," took upon himself, as he does in 
every instance, the cause of his necessitous servant, 
and most munificently repaid the generous deed. 

A lovelier scene is not to be found on earth, than 
that of a pious couple, employing their mutual influ- 
ence, and the hours of their retired companionship, in 
stirring up each other's hearts to deeds of mercy and 
religious benevolence ; not Adam and Eve in Paradise, 
with the unspotted robes of their innocence about 
them, engaged in propping the vine, or trailing the 
rose of that holy garden, presented to the eyes of 
* 2 Kings iv. S—ll. 

3* 



30 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



angels a more interesting spectacle than this. What 
a contrast does such a couple present, to the pairs 
which are almost every where to be found, whose cal- 
culations are not what they can save from unnecessary 
expense to bestow upon the cause of God and hu- 
manity, but what they can abstract or withhold from 
the claims of benevolence, to lavish upon splendid 
furniture, or domestic luxuries. Are there no wives 
who attempt to chill the ardor, to limit the beneficence, 
to stint the charities of their husbands ; who, by their 
incessant and querulous, and almost quarrelsome sug- 
gestions, that he is doing too much for others, and 
too little for his own family, drive the good man, not- 
withstanding he is lord of his own property, to ex- 
ercise his liberality in secret, and bestow his charities 
by stealth ? And what is oftentimes the object of such 
women ? nothing more than the pride of ambition, or 
the folly of vanity. Only that they might have these 
taxations and parings of charity, to spend upon dress, 
furniture, and parties. 

Perhaps the question will be asked, whether it is 
proper for a wife to give away the property of her 
husband in acts of humanity, or religious benevolence ? 
Such an inquiry ought to be unnecessary ; for no wo- 
man should be driven to the alternative of either doing 
nothing for the cause of God and man, or doing what 
she can by stealth. A sufficient sum ought to be 
placed at her disposal, to enable her to enjoy the 
luxury of doing good. Why should not she appear 
in her own name upon the honorable list of benefac- 
tors, and shine forth in her peculiar and separate glory, 
instead of being always lost in the radiance of our 
recorded mercy ? Why should she have no sphere of 
benevolent effort? Why should we monopolize to 
ourselves the blessings of those that are ready to per- 
ish? It is degrading a married female to allow her 
no discretion in this matter, no liberty of distribution, 
no power to dispense, even in cases that concern her 
sex, but to compel her to beg first of a husband, that 
which others come to beg of her. If, however, she be 
unhappily united to a Nabal, a churl, whose sordid, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



m 



grasping, covetous disposition, will yie]d nothing to 
the claims of humanity or religion, may she then make 
up for the deficiency of her husband, and diffuse his 
property unknown to him ? I am strongly tempted to 
answer this question in the affirmative ; for if in any 
instance we may deviate from the ordinary rule, and 
taking the man at his own word, which he uttered, 
when in the solemn act of matrimony, he said, " with 
all my worldly goods I thee endow," may invest the 
wife with a joint proprietorship, and a right of appro- 
priation, it is in such a case as this. But still, we must 
not sacrifice general principles, to special cases ; and 
therefore, I say to every female in such circumstances, 
obtain if you can, a separate and fixed allowance for 
charitable distribution ; but if even this be not possible, 
obtain one for personal expenses, and by a most rigid 
frugality, save all you can from dress and decoration, 
for the hallowed purpose of relieving the miseries of 
your fellow creatures. 

6. Mutual sympathy is required. 

Sickness may call for this, and females seem both 
formed and inclined by nature to yield it* 

" O woman ! in our hours of ease, 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, 
And variable as the shade 
By the light quivering aspen made ; 
When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
A ministering angel thou !" 

Unwilling, and indeed, unable to subscribe to tne 
former part of this description, I do most readily assent 
to the truth of the latter. If we could do without 
her and be happy in health, what are we in sickness 
without her presence and her tender offices ? Can we 
smooth, as woman can, the pillow on which the sick 
man lays his head ? No. We cannot administer the 
medicine or the food as she can. There is a softness 
in her touch, a lightness in her step, a skill in her ar- 
rangements, a sympathy looking down upon us from 
her beaming eye, which ours wants. Many a female, 
by her devoted and kind attentions in a season of 
sickness, has drawn back to herself that cold and 
alienated heart, which neither her charms could hold, 



32 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



nor her claims recover. I entreat you, therefore, mar- 
ried females, to put forth all your power to soothe and 
please in the season of your husband's sickness. Let 
him see you willing to make any sacrifices of pleasure, 
ease, or sleep, to minister to his comfort. Let there 
be a tenderness in your manner, a wakeful attention 
and sympathy in your look, a something that seems to 
say, your only comfort in his affliction, is to employ 
yourselves in alleviating it. Hearken with patience 
and kindness to the tale of his lighter, and even of his 
imaginary woes. A cold, heartless, awkward, unsym- 
pathising woman, is an exception from the general 
rule, and therefore, the severer libel upon her sex. 

Nor is this sympathy exclusively the duty of the 
wife ; but belongs equally to the husband. He cannot, 
it is true, perform the same offices for her, which she 
can discharge for him : but much he can do, and all 
he can he should do. Her sicknesses are generally 
more numerous and heavy than his ; she is likely, 
therefore, to make more frequent calls upon his tender 
interest and attention. Many of her ailments are the 
consequence of becoming his wife : she was, perhaps, 
in full vigor, till she became a mother, and from that 
time, never had a moment's perfect ease or strength 
again. That event which sent into his heart the joys 
of a parent, dismissed from her frame the comforts of 
health. And shall he look with discontent, and indif- 
ference, and insensibility, upon that delicate flower, 
which, before he transplanted it to his garden, glowed 
in beauty and in fragrance, to the admiration of every 
spectator ? Shall he now cease to regard it with any 
pleasure, or sympathy, and seem as if he wished it 
gone, to make room for another, forgetting that it was 
he that sent the worm to the root, and caused its head 
to droop, and its colors to fade ? Husbands, 1 call 
upon you for all the skill and tenderness of love, on 
behalf of your wives, if they are weak and sickly. 
Watch by their couch, talk with them, pray with them, 
walk with them, wake with them. In all their afflic- 
tions, be you afflicted. Never listen heedlessly to 
their complaints ; and oh, by all that is sacred in con- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 33 

jugal affection, I implore you never, by your cold 
neglect, or petulent expressions, or discontented look, 
to call up in their imaginations, unusually sensitive at 
such a season, the phantom of a fear, that the disease 
which has destroyed their health, has done the same 
for your affection. Oh ! spare their bosom the ago- 
nizing pangs of supposing, that they are living to be a 
burden to your disappointed heart. The cruelty of 
that man wants a name, and I know of none sufficiently 
emphatic, who denies his sympathy to a suffering wo- 
man, whose only sin is a broken constitution, and 
whose calamity is the result of her marriage. Such a 
man does the work of a murderer, without his punish- 
ment, and in some instances, without his reproach; 
but not always without his design or his remorse. 

But sympathy should be exercised by man and wife, 
not only in reference to their sicknesses, but to all 
their afflictions, whether personal or relative : all their 
sorrows should be common : like two strings in unison, 
the chord of grief should never be struck in the heart 
of one, without causing a corresponding vibration in 
the heart of the other ; or, like the surface of the lake 
answering to the heaven, it should be impossible for 
calmness and sunshine to be upon one, while the other 
is agitated and cloudy: heart should answer to heart, 
and face to face. 

Such are the duties common to both ; the obligations 
peculiarly enjoined upon each, will be the subject of 
the next chapter. 



34 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



CHAPTER II. 

THE SPECIAL DUTIES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES. 

" Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the 
Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the 
head of the church : and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore, as 
the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own 
husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ 
also loved the church, and gave himself for it ; that he might sanctify 
and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might 
present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, 
or any such thing ; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth 
his wife, loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, 
but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church : For 
we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this 
cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined 
unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mys- 
tery : but I speak concerning Christ and the church." 

Ephesians v. 22—32. 

Observe the sublime and transcendently interesting 
fact, which stands amidst the duties of domestic life, 
as stated by the apostle, in the language quoted above, 
like the sun in the centre of the planets, illuminating, 
impelling, and uniting them all. Every part of this 
most comprehensive and beautiful passage is inimita- 
bly striking. The design of the whole, is to magnify 
Christ's love to the church ; in order to this, the moral 
condition of the church, previous to the transforming 
work of redeeming grace, is supposed to be that of 
loathsome impurity ; yet notwithstanding this, he ex- 
ercises the tenderest compassion for her welfare, and 
is not repelled by excessive defilement. To effect 
her redemption, he does not merely employ the ope- 
rations of his power and of his wisdom, but surrender- 
ed himself into the hands of divine justice, that, as a 
sacrifice of atonement, he might ransom the object of 
his regard, at the price of his blood ; thus manifesting 
an affection stronger than death, and " which many 
waters could nor quench." The ultimate design of 
this act of mysterious humiliation, is, to render her in 
some measure worthy of his regard, and meet for that 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 35 



indissoluble union with himself, unto which, as his il- 
lustrious bride, she was about to be received ; for this 
purpose, the efficient influences of the Holy Ghost were 
to be poured upon her mind, that, in the cordial recep- 
tion of the truth, she might be purified from iniquity, 
have the germ of every virtue implanted in her heart, 
and the robe of righteousness spread over her frame ; 
till at length, under the dispensations of his providence, 
the means of his grace, and the sanctifying agency of 
his Spirit, the last spot of moral defilement might be 
effaced, the last wrinkle of spiritual decay removed, 
and, like " the king's daughter, all glorious within, and 
with her clothing of wrought gold, she might be pre- 
sented, covered with the beauties of holiness, to the 
Lord Jesus, in that day, " when he shall come to be 
admired in his saints, and glorified in all them that be- 
lieve." Behold, what manner of love is this ! And it 
is this most amazing, this unparalleled act of mercy, 
that is employed by the apostle, as the motive of all 
christian conduct. He knew nothing of moral philo- 
sophy, if by this expression be meant, the abstract 
principles of ethics. He left as he found them, the 
grounds of moral obligations, but he did not enforce 
virtue by a mere reference to our relations to God as 
creatures, but by a reference to our relation to Christ, 
as redeemed sinners. He fetched his motives to good 
works, from the cross ; he made the power of that to 
be felt, not only on the conscience, as supplying the 
means of pardon, but upon the heart, as furnishing the 
most cogent, and at the same time the most insinua- 
ting argument for sanctification : he not only irradiates 
the gloom of despondency, or melts the stubborn ob- 
stinacy of unbelief, or stays the reckless progress of 
despair, by inspiring a feeling of hope ; no ; but by the 
death of a crucified Saviour, and an exhibition of his 
most unbounded compassion, he attacks the vices of 
the depraved heart, and inculcates all the virtues of 
the renewed mind. The doctrine of the cross is the 
substance of christian truth, and the great support of 
christian morals : and the apostle's mind and heart 
were full of it. Does he enforce humility ? It is thus : 



36 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



"Let the mind be in you which was in Christ Jesus." 
An unreserved devotedness to God? It is thus: 
"Ye are not your own; for ye are bought with a 
price ; therefore glorify God with your body and in 
your spirit, which are his." Brotherly love ? It is 
thus : " Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that 
he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for 
our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also 
to love one another." A forgiving temper? It is 
thus : " Be ye kind one to another, tender hearted, 
forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake 
hath forgiven you." Benevolence to the poor ? It is 
thus: "For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus 
Christ, who, though he was rich, for our sakes became 
poor, that we, through his poverty might be made 
rich."* And who but an apostle would have thought 
of enforcing conjugal affection by a reference to the 
love of Christ to his church. And he has done this ; 
and has thus represented redeeming love, as a kind 
of holy atmosphere, surrounding the christian on all 
sides, accompanying him every where, sustaining his 
spiritual existence, the very element in which his re- 
ligion lives, moves, and has its being. And this, in- 
deed, is religion ; not a name, not a creed, not a form, 
not an abstract feeling, not an observance of times and 
places, not a mere mental costume or holy dress which 
we put on exclusively for certain seasons and occa- 
sions ; no ; but a moral habit, a mental taste, the spirit 
of the mind, which will spontaneously appear in our 
language, feeling, and behavior, by a reference to Je- 
sus Christ, as the ground of hope, and the model of 
imitation. 

In stating the duties especially enjoined on the two 
parties in the conjugal union, I shall begin with those 
of the husband. He is commanded to love his wife. 

As we have already shown that this is a duty of 
both parties, the question very naturally arises, " For 
what reason is it so specially enjoined upon the hus- 
band ?" Why is he so particularly bound to the exer- 

* Phil. ii. 5. 1 Cor. vi. 20. 1 John iv. 10, 11. Ephes. iv. 32 
$ Cor. vM. 9. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 37 

else of affection ? Perhaps for the following reasons : 
1. Because, in the very nature of things, he is most in 
danger of failing in this duty. Placed by the Creator 
as " the head of the wife," and invested with a certain 
right to govern his household, he is more in peril of 
merging the tender sensibilities in the predominant 
consciousness of superiority. 2. Because he is actu- 
ally more deficient in this duty than the other party. 
This has ever been the case in Pagan and Mahomme- 
dan countries. In barbarous nations, especially, con- 
jugal affection has ever been exceedingly weak, and 
it is probable, that even in the more civilized countries 
of Greece and Rome, it was not so generally strong 
and steady, as it has since been made by Christianity. 
But without even going beyond the limits of Christen- 
dom, it may be truly said, that husbands are usually 
more deficient in love than wives : the latter, in my 
opinion, excel the former in tenderness, in strength, in 
constancy of affection. 3. Because a want of love on 
the part of the man, is likely to be attended with more 
misery to the other party : he can go to greater ex- 
cesses in violence, in cruelty, in depravity. The want 
of this tender passion in him, is likely to have a still 
worse effect upon his own character, and the peace 
of the wife, than the want of it, in her ; in either case, 
a destitution of this kind, is a melancholy thing ; but in 
him, it is on several accounts, the most to be dreaded. 

The apostle lays down two models or rules, for a 
husband's affection ; the one is, the love which Christ 
has manifested for his church ; and the other, the love 
which, a man bears for himself 

In directing your attention to the first, I shall exhibit 
the properties of Christ's love, and show in what way 
our affection should be conformed to his. 

Christ's love was sincere. He did not love in word 
only, but in deed and in truth. In him there was no 
dissimulation ;. no epithets of endearment going forth 
out of feigned lips ; no actions varnished over with a 
mere covering of love. We must be like him, and en~ 
deavour to maintain a principle of true regard in the 
heart, as well as a show of it in the conduct. It is a 
- 4 



38 



THE FAMILY MONITOR OR 



miserable thing to have to act the part of love, without 
feeling it. Hypocrisy is base in every thing, but next 
to religion, is most base in affection. Besides, how 
difficult is it to act the part well, to keep on the mask, 
and to support the character so as to escape detection! 
Oh, the misery of that woman's heart, who a,t length 
finds out to her cost, that what she has been accus- 
tomed to receive and value as the attentions of a lover, 
are but the tricks of a cunning dissembler. 

The love of the Redeemer was ardent. 

Let us, if we would form a correct idea of what 
should be the state of our hearts towards the woman 
of our choice, think of that affection which glowed in 
the bosom of the Saviour, when he lived and died for 
his people. We can possess, it is true, neither the 
same kind, nor the same degree of regard, but surely 
when we are referred to such an instance, if not alto- 
gether as a model, yet as a motive, it does teach us, 
that no weak affection is due, or should be offered to 
the wife of our bosom. We are told by the Saviour 
himself, that if he laid down his life for us, it is our 
duty to lay down ours for the brethren ; how much 
more, for the " friend that sticketh closer than a broth- 
er." And if it be our duty to tay down our life, how 
much more to employ it while it lasts, in all the offices 
of an affection, strong, steady, and inventive. She 
that for our sake has forsaken the comfortable home, 
and the watchful care, and the warm embrace of her 
parents, has a right to expect in our regard, that which 
shall make her " forget her father's house," and cause 
her to feel that with respect to happiness, she is no 
loser by the exchange. Happy the woman, and such 
should every husband strive to make his wife, who can 
look back without a sigh upon the moment, when she 
quitted for ever, the guardians, the companions, and 
the scenes of her childhood ! 

The love of Christ to his church was supreme. 
He gives to the world his benevolence, but to the 
church his complacency. " The Lord thy God in the 
midst of thee," said the prophet, " is mighty ; he will 
mve thee, he will rejoice over thee, with joy ; he will 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



39 



rest in his love ; he will joy over thee with singing." 
So must the husband regard his wife, above all else ; 
he must " rest in his love." He should regard her not 
only above all without his house, but above all within. 
She must take precedence both in his heart and con- 
duct, not only of all strangers, but of all relatives, and 
also of all his children ; he ought to love his children 
for her sake, rather than her for theirs. Is this always 
the case ? Gn the contrary, have we not often seen 
men, who appear to be far more interested in their 
children than in their wives ; and who have paid far 
less attention to the latter than to grown-up daugh- 
ters ? Plow especially unseemly is it, for a man to be 
seen fonder of the society of any other woman, than 
that of his wife, even where nothing more may be in- 
tended than the pleasure of her company. Nor ought 
he to forsake her, in his leisure hours, for any com- 
panions of his own sex, however interesting might be 
their manners or their conversation. 

The love of Christ is uniform. Like himself, it is 
the same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Conjugal 
affection should have the same character ; it should 
be at all times, and in all places alike : the same at 
home, as abroad ; in other persons' houses, as in our 
own. Has not many a wife to sigh and exclaim — 
" Oh that I were treated in my own house, with the 
same tenderness and attention as I receive in com- 
pany." With what almost loathing and disgust must 
such a woman turn from endearments, which, under 
such circumstances, she can consider as nothing but 
hypocrisy. Home is the chief place for fond and 
minute attention ; and she who has not to complain of 
a want of it there, will seldom feel the need or the in- 
clination to complain of a want of it abroad, except it 
be those silly women, who would degrade their hus- 
bands, by exacting not merely what is really kind, but 
what is actually ridiculous. 

The love of the Redeemer was practical and la- 
borious. He provided every thing by his mediation 
for the welfare and comfort of the church, and at a 
cost and by exertions of which we can form no idea* 



40 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



It has been already declared, that both parties are to 
assist in the cares of life* A good wife cannot be an 
idle one. Beautiful is her portraiture, as drawn by the 
wise man. " Who can find a virtuous woman ? for her 
price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband 
doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need 
of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the 
days of her life. She layeth her hands to the spindle 
and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her 
hand to the poor, yea she reacheth forth her hand to the 
needy. Her husband is known in the gates, when he 
sitteth amongst the elders of the land. She openeth 
her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law 
of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her 
household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her 
children rise up and call her blessed ; her husband 
also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done 
virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favor is de- 
ceitful, and beauty is vain ; but a woman that feareth 
the Lord she shall be praised. Give her the fruit of 
her hands, and let her own works praise her in the 
gates." Proverbs xxxi. This exquisite picture, 
combining as it does industry, prudence, dignity, 
meekness, wisdom and piety, cannot be too frequently 
or minutely studied, by those who would attain to high 
degrees of female excellence. The business of pro- 
viding for the family, however, belongs chiefly to the 
husband. It is yours, my brethren, to rise up early, to 
sit up late, to eat the bread of carefulness, and to 
drink if necessary, the waters of affliction, that you 
may earn by the sweat of your brow, a comfortable 
support for the domestic circle. This is probably what 
the apostle meant, when he enjoined us to give honor 
to the wife as to the weaker vessel: the honor of 
maintenance, which she, in consequence of the weak 
ness of her frame, and the frequent infirmities which the 
maternal relation brings upon her, is not so well able 
to procure for herself. In most barbarous countries, 
and in some half civilized ones, the burden of manual 
labor falls upon the female, while her tyrant lord lives 
in indolence, feeding upon the industry of the helpless 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 41 

being whom he calls a wife, but treats as a slave. 
And are there no such idle tyrants in our age and 
country, who, so as they can live in indolence, and 
gratify their appetites, care not how they oppress their 
wives ? Wretches who do little or nothing for the 
support of the family ? How utterly lost to every 
noble and generous sentiment must that man be whose 
heart cannot be moved by the entreaties or tears of 
an interesting woman, and who can hear in vain her 
pleadings for his child at her breast, and his child by 
her side, and who by such appeals cannot be induced 
to give up his daily visits to the tavern, or his habits 
of sauntering idleness, to attend to his neglected bu- 
siness, and stay the approaching tide of poverty and 
ruin. Such a creature is worse than a brute, he is a 
monster ; and it seems a pity, that there is no law and 
no convict ship to bear him away to a land, where if 
he will not work, so neither could he eat. 

In general, it is for the benefit of a family, that a 
married woman should devote her time and attention 
almost exclusively to the ways of her household: her 
place is in the centre of domestic cares. What is 
gained by her in the shop, is oftentimes lost in the 
house, for want of the judicious superintendence of a 
mother and mistress. Comfort and order, as well as 
money, are domestic wealth ; and can these be ration- 
ally expected in the absence of female arrangement ? 
The children always want a mother's eye and hand, 
and should always have them. Let the husband 
then have the care of providing ; the wife, that of 
distributing ; for this is the rule both of reason and 
revelation. 

And as Christ labored for his church, not only dur- 
ing his abode upon earth, but made provision for its 
welfare when he departed from our world, in like man- 
ner should the husband take care of his wife. I never 
could understand that custom, which is but too com- 
mon, of providing by their wills so much better for the 
children than they do for the mother. Does this look 
like a supreme love ? Every man who raises a woman 
to the rank of his wife, should take care, however in- 
4* 



44 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



to draw with a sigh, a contrast between the affection- 
ate attention she received as a lover and as a wife. 

I urge affection to a wife, by the recollection of 
that solemn moment, when, in the presence of heaven 
and earth, before God's minister, and in God's house, 
you bound yourself, by all the deeply awful formalities 
of a kind of oath, to throw open, and keep open your 
heart, as the fountain of her earthly happiness, and 
to devote your whole life to the promotion of her 
welfare. 

I appeal to your regard to justice. You have sworn 
away yourself to her, and are no longer your own. 
You have no right to that individual, and separate, and 
independent kind of life, which would lead you to seek 
your happiness, in opposition to, or neglect of hers. 
" You twain are one flesh." 

Humanity puts in its claim on behalf of your wife. 
It is in your power to do more for her happiness or 
misery, than any other being in the universe, short of 
God himself. An unkind husband is a tormentor of 
the first class. His victim can never elude his grasp, 
nor go beyond the reach of his cruelty, till she is 
kindly released by the king of terrors, who, in this 
instance, becomes to her an angel of light, and con- 
ducts her to the grave as to a shelter from her op- 
pressor. For such a woman there is no rest on earth : 
the destroyer of her peace has her ever in his power, 
for she is always in his presence, or in the fear of it : 
the circumstances of every place, and every day, fur- 
nish him with the occasions of cruel neglect or un- 
kindness, and it might be fairly questioned, whether 
there is to be found on earth, a case of greater misery, 
except it be that of a wretch tortured by remorse 
and despair, than a woman whose heart daily withers 
under the cold looks, the chilling words, and repul- 
sive actions of a husband, who loveth her not. Such 
a man is a murderer, though he escapes in this world 
the murderer's doom ; and by a refinement of cruelty, 
he employs years in conducting his victim to her end, 
by the slow process of a lingering death. 

If nothing else can prevail, interest should, for no 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 45 

man can hate his wife, without hating himself, for 
" she is his own flesh." Love, like mercy, is a double 
blessing ; and hatred, like cruelty, is a double torment 
We cannot love a worthy object without rejoicing in 
the reflex beams of our own affection. Next to the 
supreme regard we cherish towards God, and which it 
is impossible to exercise and not hold communion with 
angels in the joys of heaven, connubial love is the most 
beatifying passion 5 and to transform this into un- 
kindness, is to open at the very centre of our soul, a 
source of poison, which, before it exudes to torture 
others, torments ourselves. 

I cannot here avoid inserting the exquisite and 
touching appeal, which Mr. Jay puts into the lips of 
married women to their husbands. — " Honor us ; deal 
kindly with us. From many of the opportunities, and 
means by which you procure favorable notice, we are 
excluded. Doomed to the shades, few of the high 
places of the earth are open to us. Alternately we 
are adored and oppressed. From our slaves you be- 
come our tyrants. You feel our beauty, and avail 
yourselves of our weakness. You complain of our 
inferiority, but none of your behavior bids us rise. 
Sensibility has given us a thousand feelings, which 
nature has kindly denied you. Always under re- 
straints, we have little liberty of choice. Providence 
seems to have been more attentive to enable us to 
confer happiness, than to enjoy it. — Every condition 
has for us fresh mortifications ; every relation new 
sorrows. We enter social bonds ; it is a system of 
perpetual sacrifice. We cannot give life to others 
without hazarding our own. We have sufferings 
which you do not share, cannot share. — If spared, 
years and decays invade our charms, and much of 
the ardor produced by attraction departs with it. — 
We may die. — The grave covers us, and we are 
soon forgotten ; soon are the days of your mourning 
ended, soon is our loss repaired : dismissed even from 
your speech, our name is to be heard no more — a suc- 
cessor may dislike it. — Our children, after having a 
mother by nature, may fall under the control of a moth- 



46 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



er by affinity, and be mortified by distinctions made be- 
tween them, and her own offspring. — Though the du- 
ties which we have discharged invariably, be the most 
important and necessary, they do not shine : they are 
too common to strike : they procure no celebrity : the 
wife, the mother fills no historic page. Our privations, 
our confinements, our wearisome days, our interrupted, 
our sleepless nights, the hours we have hung in anx- 
ious watchings over your sick and dying offspring."—- 
But we forbear. 

I NOW COME TO THE DUTIES ENJOINED UPON THE 
WIFE. 

The first I mention is subjection. 

" Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands 
as unto the Lord ; for the husband is the head of the 
wife, even as Christ is the head of the church ; and he 
is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the church 
is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own 
husbands in every thing." The same thing is enjoin- 
ed also in the epistle to the Colossians. Peter unites 
with Paul in the same strain. " Ye wives be in sub- 
jection to your own husbands." Before I state the 
kind of subjection here commanded, it is necessary to 
state the nature of the authority to which it is to be 
yielded. Here I would observe, that with whatsoever 
kind and degree of authority the husband is invested 
over the wife, it is such as is in no way incompatible 
with, or trenches upon the strongest and tender est af- 
fection. And it is worthy of remark, " that the apostle 
does not enjoin husbands to rule, nor instruct him how, 
but merely to love ; so that it seems to be with them, 
as with bishops and priests, to whom much honor is 
due, but yet so that if they stand upon it, and chal- 
lenge it, they become less honorable." 

It is such an authority, as is compatible with religion 
or the claims of God ; for no man has a right to enjoin, 
and no woman is bound to obey any commands which 
is in opposition to the latter or spirit of the Bible. — 
It is such an authority, as is consonant with sound 
reason, its injunctions must all be reasonable, for 
surely it is too much to expect, that a wife is to be- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 47 

come a slave of folly, any more than of cruelty. It 
is an authority, that accords with the idea of compan- 
ionship. It was very beautifully observed by an an- 
cient writer, that when Adam endeavored to shift the 
blame of his transgression upon his wife, he did not 
say, the " woman thou gavest to me," no such thing, 
she is none of his goods, none of his possessions, not 
to be reckoned amongst his servants ; but he said " the 
woman thou gavest to be with me," that is, to be my 
partner, the companion of my joys and sorrows. 

Let conjugal authority be founded upon love, be 
never exercised in opposition to revelation or reason, 
and be regulated by the idea of companionship, and 
then there need no particular rules for its guidance ; 
for within such limits, it can never degenerate into 
tyranny ; nor can it ever oppress its subjects : to such 
a power any woman may bow, without degradation, for 
its yoke is easy and its burden light. In every society, 
from that which finds its centre in the father's chair, 
to that which in a wider circle rests upon the throne, 
there must be precedence vested somewhere, and 
some ultimate authority, some last and highest tribunal 
established, for the decision of which, there lies no 
appeal. In the domestic constitution this superiority 
vests in the husband : he is the head, the lawgiver, the 
ruler. In all matters touching the little world in the 
house, he is to direct, not indeed without taking coun- 
sel with his wife, but in all discordancy of view, Ae, 
unless he choose to waive his right, is. to decide ; and 
to his decision the wife should yield, and yield with 
grace and cheerfulness. No man ought to resign his 
authority, as the head of the family, no woman ought 
to wish him to do it: he may give up his predilections 
and yield to her wishes, but he must not abdicate the 
throne, nor resign his sceptre. Usurpation is always 
hateful, and it is one of the most offensive exhibitions 
of it, where the husband is degraded into a slave of 
the queen mother. Such a woman looks contempti 
ble even upon the throne. I admit it is difficult for a 
sensible woman to submit to imbecility, but she should 
have considered this before she united herself to it : 



48 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



having committed one error, let her not fall into a 
second, but give the strongest proof of her good sense 
which circumstances will allow her to offer, by mak- 
ing that concession to superiority of station, which 
there is no opportunity in her case for her to do to 
superiority of mind. She may reason, she may per- 
suade, she may solicit, but if ignorance cannot be 
convinced, nor obstinacy turned, nor kindness con- 
ciliated, she has no resource left but to — submit: and 
one of the finest scenes ever to be presented by the 
domestic economy, is that of a sensible woman employ- 
ing her talents and address, not to subvert, but to sup- 
port the authority of a weak husband ; a woman who 
prompts but does not command, who persuades, but 
does not dictate, who influences, but does not compel, 
and who, after taking pains to conceal her beneficent 
interference, submits to the authority which she has 
both supported and guided. An opposite line of con- 
duct is most mischievous ; for weakness, when placed 
in perpetual contrast with superior judgement, is 
rarely blind to its own defects ; and as this conscious- 
ness of inferiority, when united with office is always 
jealous, it is both watchful and resentful of any inter- 
ference with its prerogative. There must be subjec- 
tion then, which, where it cannot be yielded to superior 
talents, because there are none, must be conceded to 
superiority of station. But let husbands be cautious 
not to put the submission of their wives to too se- 
vere a test. It is hard, very hard, to obey a rash, 
indiscreet and silly ruler. " If you will be the head, 
remember the head is not only the seat of govern- 
ment, but of knowledge. If you will have the man- 
agement of the ship, see that a fool is not placed at the 
helm. Shall the blind offer themselves as guides ?" 

The grounds of submission are many and strong. 
Waiving all motives founded upon the comparative 
strength of mind with which the two sexes may be 
gifted, I refer my female friends, to less questionable 
matters. Look at the creation ; woman was made 
after the man " for Adam was first formed, then Eve." 
She was made out of man, " for the man is not of the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 49 

woman, but the woman of the man." She was made 
for man, " neither was the man created for the woman, 
but the woman for the man." Look at the fall. Wo- 
man occasioned it. " Adam was not deceived, but the 
woman being deceived, was in the transgression." 
She was thus punished for it, " Thy desire shall be to 
thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." Look at 
her history. Have not the customs of all nations an- 
cient and modern, savage and civilized, acknowledged 
her subordination? Look at the light in which this 
subject is placed in the New Testament. How strong 
is the language of the text, " the husband is the head 
of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church. 
Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let 
the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." 

Let me then, my respected female friends, as you 
would submit to the authority of Christ, as you would 
adorn the station that providence has called you to 
occupy, as you would promote your own peace, the 
comfort of your husband, and the welfare of your 
family, admonish you, meekly and gracefully to be 
subject in all things, not only to the wise and good, 
but to the foolish and ill-deserving. You may reason, 
as I have said before, you may expostulate, but you 
must not rebel or refuse. Let it be your glory to feel 
how much you can endure, rather than despise the in- 
stitutions of heaven, or violate those engagements into 
which you voluntarily, and so solemnly entered. Let 
your submission be characterized by cheerfulness, and 
not by reluctant sullenness : let it not be preceded by 
a struggle, but yielded at once and for ever 5 let there 
be no holding out to the last extremity, and then a mere 
compulsory capitulation ; but a voluntary, cheerful, 
undisputed, and unrevokod concession. 

2. The next duty enjoined upon a wife is reve- 
rence. 

" Let the wife see that she reverence her husband." 
This duty is nearly allied to the last, but is still some- 
what different. By reverence, the apostle means 
nothing of slavish, or obsequious homage, but that 
respect and deference which are due to one whom 
5 



50 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



we are commanded to obey. Your reverence will be 
manifest in your words : for instance, in your manner 
of speaking of him, you will avoid all that would tend 
to lessen him in the esteem cf others ; all exposure of 
his faults or miner weaknesses ; all depreciation of 
his understanding" or domestic rule. Such gossip is 
detestable and mischievous ; for can any thing tend 
more to irritate him, than to find that you have been 
sinking him in the esteem of the public ? Reverence 
will be displayed in your manner of speaking to him. 
" Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord:" 
all flippant pertness, every thing of contemptuous con- 
sciousness of superiority, of dictation and command, 
of unnecessary contradiction, of pertinacious and ob- 
trusive disputation, of scolding accusation, of angry, 
reproachful complaint, of noisy and obstreporous ex- 
postulation, should be avoided. Almost all domestic 
quarrels begin in words ; and it is usually in a woman's 
power to prevent them by causing the law of kindness 
to dwell upon her lips, and calming the gusts of her 
husband's passion, by those soft answers which turn 
away wrath. Especially should she be careful how she 
speaks to him or even before him, in the company of 
her family or of strangers : she must not talk him into 
silence ; nor talk at him ; nor say any thing that is cal- 
culated to wound or degrade him, for a sting inflicted 
in public is doubly charged with venom ; she must not 
endeavor to eclipse him, to engross the attention of the 
company to herself, to reduce hirn to a cypher which 
is valueless till she stands before him. This is not 
reverence : on the contrary, she should do all in her 
power to sustain his respectability and dignity in pub- 
lic esteem ; and her very mode of addressing him, 
partaking at once of the kindness of affection, and the 
deference of respect, is eminently calculated to do 
this. And should he at .any time express himself in 
the language of reproof, even though that reproof be 
causeless, or unjustly severe, let her be cautious not 
to forget her station, so as to be betrayed into a rail- 
ing recrimination, a contemptuous silence, or a moody 
sullenness. Difficult, I am aware it is, to show reve- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 51 



rcnce and respect, where there are no other grounds 
for it to rest upon than mere station ; and as easy to pay- 
it where wisdom, dignity and piety support the claims 
of relationship : but in proportion to the dificulty of a 
virtuous action, is its excellence ; and hers is indeed 
superior virtue, who yields to the relationship of her 
husband that reverence which he forbids her to pay to 
him on account of his conduct. 

Her reverence will extend itself to her conduct, and 
lead her to an incessant desire to please him in all 
things. It is assumed by the apost]e as an indisputa- 
ble and general fact, that "the married woman careth 
how she may please her husband." All her conduct 
should be framed upon this principle, to give him con- 
tentment, and to increase his delight in her. Let her 
appear contented with her lot, and that will do much 
to render him content with his : while, on the other 
hand, nothing is more likely to generate discontent 
in his heart, than the appearance of it in her. Let 
her, by cheerful good humor, diffuse an air of pleasant- 
ness over his dwelling. Let her guard as much as 
possible against a gloomy and moody disposition, 
which causes her to move about with the silence and 
cloudiness of a spectre ; for who likes to dwell in a 
haunted house ? She should always welcome him 
across his threshhold with a smile, and ever put forth 
all her ingenuity in studying to please him, by con- 
sulting his wishes, by surprising him occasionally by 
those unlooked for and ingenious devices of affection, 
which, though small in themselves, are the proofs of a 
mind intent upon the business of giving pleasure. 
The greater acts of reverent and respectful love, are 
often regarded as matters of course, and as such pro- 
duce little impression; but the lesser acts of atten- 
tion, which come not into the usual routine of conjugal 
duties, and into the every day offices, which may be 
calculated upon with almost as much certainty as the 
coming of the hour which they are to occupy, these 
free-will offerings of an inventive and active regard, 
these extra tokens of respect, and expressions of re- 
gard, have a mighty power to attach a husband to his 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



wife ; they are the cords of love, the bands of a man. 
In all her personal and domestic habits, her first care 
then, next to that of pleasing God, must be to please 
him, and thus hold to herself that heart, which cannot 
wander from her without carrying her happiness with 
it, and which, when once departed, cannot be restored 
by any power short of omnipotence itself. 

3. Meekness is especially mentioned by the apostle 
Peter, as a disposition which it is the duty of every 
wife to cultivate. 

He has distinguished and honored this temper by 
calling it the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. If 
there be some virtues, which seem pre-eminently to 
suit the female character, meekness bears a high place 
amongst such. No one stands in greater need of this 
disposition, than the female head of a family : either 
the petulance and waywardness of children, or the 
neglects and misconduct of servants, or the sharp 
words of a husband, are almost sure, if she be easily 
provoked, to keep her in a state of irritation all the day 
long. How trying is a peevish woman, how odious a 
brawling one. "It is better to dwell in the wilder- 
ness than with a contentious and angry woman." The 
graces were females, says Mr. Jay, so were the furies 
too. The influence which meekness has sometimes 
had m a family is astonishing : it has quenched sparks, 
and even coals of anger and strife, which, but for this, 
would have set the house on fire : it has mastered the 
tiger and the lion, and led them captive with the silk 
en thread of love. The strength of woman lies not 
in resisting, but yielding ; her power is in her gentle- 
ness ; there is more of real defence, aye and more of 
that aggressive operation too, which disarms a foe, in 
one mild look, or one soft accent, than in hours of 
flashing glances, and of angry tones. When, amidst 
domestic strife, she has been enabled to keep her tem- 
per, the storm has been often scattered as it rose ; or 
her meekness has served as a conductor to carry off 
its dreadful flashes, which otherwise would have de- 
stroyed the dwelling. 

Put on then, the ornament of a meek and quiet 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 53 

spirit. Pay less attention to the decoration of the 
person, more to that of the mind. " Your adorning" 
is not to be. that outward adorning, of plaiting the hair 
and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel, 
but the hidden man of the heart which is not corrup- 
tible." The language of another apostle on this sub- 
ject is no less striking. " In like manner also, I will 
that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with 
shamefacedness and sobriety ; not with broidered hair, 
or gold, or pearls, or costly array ; but, which becom- 
eth women professing godliness, with good works." 
1 Tim. ii. 9, 10. Two apostles, who both wrote as 
they were moved by the Holy Ghost, in such language 
as this, have denounced as improper, and as unbecom- 
ing a profession of godliness, a taste for immodest, 
expensive, or decorative dress. Surely then, this sub- 
ject is worthy the most serious attention of all chris- 
tian females. By what sophistry can the letter, much 
more the spirit, of two passages of holy writ, so very 
plain and express in their terms as these, be set aside ? 
That they are set aside, is evident by the appearance 
of almost every congregation into which we could en- 
ter on the sabbath day, whether within or without the 
Establishment. The race of folly, one should really 
suppose, is at length almost run, for it does seem well 
nigh impossible, even by the aid of our neighbors, the 
French, for the women of our age to render themselves 
more supremely ridiculous than many of them have 
lately appeared. What with the gaudiness of coloring 
and extravagance of form, our religious assemblies pre- 
sent every thing at once to disgust our taste, and to dis- 
tress our piety. It is high time for the christian teacher, 
to call back the women " professing godliness," from 
their wanderings in the regions of fashionable folly, 
to the holy scriptures : for the holy scriptures, it should 
be remembered, have laid down a law for regulating 
the dress of the body, as well as that of the mind. I 
do hold then, that these passages of scripture are still 
parts of revelation, and as such still binding upon the 
conscience : if not, show me when they were cancel- 
led. I contend, that christian females ought to ab- 
5* 



54 THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 

stain from expensive, showy, and extravagant fashions 
in dress, jewelry, and all kinds of personal decora- 
tion. I am not arguing for a sectarian costume, for a 
religious uniform, for canonical shapes and colors ; 
nothing of the sort, but for simplicity, neatness, eco- 
nomy; for, what the apostle calls, modest apparel, 
shamefacedness, and sobriety ; for the spirit of the 
passages, if not the very letter; for a distinction be- 
tween those who profess godliness, in their compara- 
tive inattention to such things, and those, who make 
no such profession : for a proof that their minds are 
not so much engaged on these matters, as the minds 
of the people of the world are. I am not for extin- 
guishing taste ; alas, in matters of dress, this is already 
done, but for resisting the lawless dominion of folly, 
under the name of fashion. I am not for calling back 
the age of gothic barbarism, or vulgarity : no ; I will 
leave ample room for the cultivation of both taste and 
genius, in every lawful department, but I am protest- 
ing against the desolating reign of vanity ; I am re- 
sisting the entrance of frivolity into the church of 
God; I am contending against the glaring inconsis- 
tency of rendering our religious assemblies, like the 
audience convened in a theatre. The evils of an im- 
proper attention to dress are great and numerous. 1. 
Much precious time is wasted in the study, and ar- 
rangements, and decisions of this matter. 2. The 
attention is taken off from the improvement of the 
mind and the heart, to the decoration of the person. 
3. The mind is filled with pride and vanity, and a de- 
teriorating influence is carried on upon what consti- 
tutes the true dignity of the soul. 4. The love of dis- 
play infects the character. 5. Money is wasted which 
is wanted for relieving the misery, and improving the 
condition of mankind. 6. Examples are set to the 
lower classes, in whom the propensity is often mis- 
chievous in many ways. 

We have run 
Through ev'ry change that fancy at the loom, 
Exhausted, has had genius to supply ; 
And, studious of mutation still, discard 
A real elegance, a little us'd, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 55 



For monstrous novelty and strange disguise. 

We sacrifice to dress, till household joys 

And comforts cease. Dress drains our cellar dry, 

And keeps our larder lean ; puts out our fires j 

And introduces hunger, frost and wo, 

Where peace and hospitality might reign. 

I am aware it might be, and is said, that there may 
be the pride of singularity, as well as of fashion ; the 
pride of being covered with sober autumnal tints, as 
well as of exhibiting the brilliant hues of the rainbow ; 
the pride of quality and of texture, as well as of color 
and of form. I know it, and I do not justify the one 
more than I do the other ; I condemn all kinds ; but 
at any rate there is a little more dignity in one kind, 
than in another. I will leave opportunity for the dis- 
tinctions of rank, for the inventions of true taste, and 
for the modest and unobtrusive displays of natural 
elegance and simple beauty ; but I cannot allow the 
propriety of christian females yielding themselves to 
the guidance of fashion, however expensive, extrava- 
gant, or gaudy. 

As to the employment of our artisans by the vari- 
ous changes of fashion ; I have nothing to do with 
this, in face of an apostolic injunction. The silver- 
smiths who made shrines for the worshippers of Diana, 
might have pleaded the same objection against the 
preachers of the gospel, who certainly did, so far as 
they were successful, ruin this trade. I am only 
speaking to professors of religion, who form so small 
a portion of society, that their abstinence from folly 
would do but little in diminishing the employment of 
the work-people ; and if it did, let them make it up in 
some other way. What I contend for, then, is not 
meanness, not ugliness, not unvarying sameness ; no ; 
but neatness opposed to gaudiness ; simplicity and 
becomingness opposed to extravagance ; modesty op- 
posed to indelicacy ; economy opposed to expensive- 
ness. Whether what I contend for is characteristic 
of the age in which we live, let any spectator deter- 
mine. I am anxious to see professors of religion dis- 
playing a seriousness and spirituality, a dignity and 
sobriety of mind, a simplicity of habits, and a sedate- 



56 



THE FAMILY MONITOR OR 



ness of manners, becoming their high and holy pro- 
fession; and all this, united with an economy in their 
personal expenses, which will leave them a greater 
fund at their disposal, for relieving the miseries, and 
promoting the happiness of their fellow-creatures. 

But, perhaps after all, many women may plead that 
the gaiety and expensiveness of their dress, is more 
to please their husbands than themselves: but even 
this must have its limits. And I really pity the folly 
of that man, who concerns himself in the arrangement 
of his wife's wardrobe and toilette ; and who would 
rather see her go forth in all the gorge ousness of 
splendid apparel, to display herself in the drawing 
rooms of her friends, than in dignified meekness, to 
visit the cottages of the poor, as the messenger of 
mercy: and who rejoices more to contemplate her 
moving through the circles of fashion, the admiration 
of one sex, and the envy of the other, than to see her 
holding on her radiant course in the orbit of benevo- 
lence, clad in unexpensive simplicity, and, with the 
savings of her personal expenditure, clothing the nak- 
ed, feeding the hungry, healing the sick ; and thus 
bringing upon herself the blessings of him that was 
ready to perish, and causing the widow's heart to sing 
for joy. 

Not only the ornament, but the person which it 
adorns, is corruptible. Accidents may distort the 
finest form, diseases fade the loveliest coloring, time , 
disfigure the smoothest surface, and death, the spoiler 
of beauty, work a change so awful and appalling, as 
to turn away the most impassioned admirers in disgust. 
How soon will every other dress be displaced by the 
shroud, and every other decoration be stripped off to 
make way for the flowers that are strewed in the cof- 
fin upon the corpse, as if to hide the deformity of 
death. But the graces of the heart, and the beauties 
of the character, are imperishable ; such let a wife be 
continually seeking to put on ; " for she that has a 
wise husband, must entice him to an eternal dearness, 
by the vail of modesty, and the robes of chastity, the 
ornaments of meekness, and the jewels of faith and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



57 



charity; she must have no paint but blush ings ; her 
brightness must be her purity, and she must shine 
round about with sweetnesses and friendship, and then 
she shall be pleasant while she lives, and desired when 
she dies." 

5. Economy and Order in the management of her 
personal and domestic expenditure, is the obvious duty 
of a wife. 

You are to preside in the direction of household af- 
fairs ; and much of the prosperity and comfort of the 
little community, will depend upon your skilful and 
prudent arrangements. There is a manifest disposi- 
tion in this age, in all classes of society, to come as 
close as possible to the habits of those above them. 
The poor are imitating the middling classes, and they 
are copying the upper ranks. A showy, luxurious, 
and expensive taste is almost universally cherished, 
and is displayed, in innumerable instances, where there 
are no means to support it. A large house, a country 
residence, splendid furniture, a carriage, a retinue of 
servants, and large parties, are the aim of many, whose 
creditors pay for all. Christian families are in most 
imminent peril of worldly conformity in the present 
day ; and the line of demarcation between the church 
and the world is fast wearing out. It is true they have 
no cards, they do not frequent the theatre, or the ball 
room, and perhaps they have no midnight routs ; — but 
this is all : for many are as anxious about the splendor 
of their furniture, the fashion of their habits, the ex- 
pensiveness of their entertainments, as the veriest 
worldling can be. Now a wife has great influence in 
checking or promoting all this. It has been thought 
that this increasing disposition for domestic show and 
gaiety, is to be attributed chiefly to female vanity. It 
is woman that is generally regarded as the presiding 
genius of such a scene : she receives the praise and 
the compliment of the whole, and she therefore is un- 
der the strongest temptation to promote it. But let 
her consider, how little all this has to do with the hap- 
piness of the family, even in its most prosperous state ; 
and how a recollection of it aggravates the misery of 



58 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



adversity when a reverse takes place. Then to be 
found in debt for finery of dress, or furniture ; then to 
have it said that her extravagance helped to ruin her 
husband ; then to want that, for bread, which was for- 
merly wasted on luxury ; then to hear the whispered 
reproach of having injured others by her own thought- 
less expenditure ! — Avoid, my female friends, these 
miseries : do not go on to prepare wormwood and gall 
to embitter still more the already bitter cup of adver- 
sity. Endeavor to acquire a skilfulness in domestic 
management, a frugality, a prudence, a love of order 
and neatnass, a mid-way course between meanness 
and luxury, a suitableness to yonr station in life, to your 
christian profession ; an economy which shall leave 
you more to spare for the cause of God, and the mise- 
ries of man. Rather check than stimulate the taste 
of your husband for expense ; tell him that it is not 
necessary for your happiness, nor for the comfort of 
the family ; draw him away from these adventitious 
circumstances, to the mental improvement, the moral 
culture, the religious instruction of your children. Let 
knowledge, piety, good sense, well-formed habits, har- 
mony, mutual love, be the sources of your domestic 
pleasures : what is splendor of furniture, or dress, or 
entertainments, to these ? 

6. A wife should be most attentive to all 

THAT CONCERNS THE WELFARE AND COMFORT OF THE 

children, if there be any. 

For this purpose, she must be a keeper at home, — - 
" That they may teach the young wives to be sober, 
to love their husbands, to love their children, to be 
discreet, chaste, keepers at home" And how can the 
duties that devolve upon the female head of a family, 
be well discharged if she be not a keeper at home ? — 
On this I have dwelt already in a former chapter, but 
its importance will justify my returning to the subject 
again. How much has she to attend to, how many 
cares to sustain, how many activities to support, where 
there is a young family ? Whoever has leisure for 
gossipping, she has none : whoever may be found wan- 
dering from house to house, "hearing or telling some 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



59 



new thing," she must not. A mother's place is in the 
midst of her family ; a mother's duties are to take care 
of them. Nothing can excuse a neglect of these : and 
yet we often see such neglect. Some are literary 
characters, and the welfare of the household is neg- 
lected for books. Not that I would debar a female 
from the luxury of reading, nor sink her to a mere 
domestic drudge, whose ceaseless toils must have no 
intermission, or solace from literature ; far from it : but 
her taste for literature must be kept within due bounds, 
and not be allowed to interfere with her household 
duties. No husband can be pleased to see a book in 
the hands of a wife, while the house is in confusion, 
and the children's comfort unprovided for. Much less 
should a taste for company be allowed to draw a wife 
too much out of the circle of her cares and duties. To 
be wandering from house to house in the morning, or 
to be engaged till a late hour, evening after evening, 
at a party, while the family at home are left to them- 
selves, or to the care of servants, is certainly disgrace- 
ful. Even attention to the public duties of religion 
must be regulated by a due regard to domestic claims. 
I am aware that many are apt to make these claims an 
excuse for neglecting the public means of grace al- 
most entirely : the house of God is unfrequented ; 
sermons, sacramental seasons, and all other religious 
meetings, are given up, for an absorbing attention to 
household affairs. This is one extreme ; and the other 
is, such a devotedness to religious meetings, that the 
wants of a sick family, the cries of a hungry infant, 
or the circumstances of some extraordinary case of 
family care, are not allowed to have any force in de- 
taining a mother from a week-day sermon, a prayer 
meeting, or the anniversary of some public institu- 
tion. It is no honor to religion, for a wife, under such 
circumstances, to be seen in the house of God : du- 
ties cannot be in opposition to each other ; and at 
such a time, her's lie at home. It must be always 
distressing, and in some cases disgusting, for a hus- 
band on his returning to a scene of domestic confu- 
sion, and seeing a neglected child in the cot, to be 



60 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



told upon inquiring after the mother, that she is at- 
tending a sermon, or a public meeting. There is 
great need for watchfulness in the present age, when 
female agency is in such requisition, lest attention to 
public institutions should most injuriously interfere 
with the duties of a wife and a mother. I know very 
well, that an active woman, may, by habits of order, 
punctuality, and despatch, so. arrange her more direct 
and immediate duties at home, as to allow of sufficient 
leisure to assist the noble societies which solicit her 
patronage, without neglecting her husband and child- 
ren: but where this cannot be done, no society 
whether humane or religious, should be allowed to 
take her away from what is, after all, her first and more 
appropriate sphere. She must he a keeper at home, 
if any thing there demands her presence. 

Such appear to me to be the leading duties of a 
wife. Motives of a very high and sacred character 
may be offered for a diligent performance of them. 
Her own comfort, and that of her husband, is, of course, 
most vitally connected with a fulfilment of her obliga- 
tions : and the welfare of her children is also deeply 
involved. And then, her character shines forth with 
peculiar lustre. A good wife is a high attainment 
in female excellence ; it is woman in her brightest 
glory since the fall. But there is one consideration 
of supreme importance mentioned by the apostle, to 
which I shall direct your attention. — "Likewise, ye 
wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, that if 
any obey not the word, they also may without the 
word be won by the conversation of the wives, while 
they behold your chaste conversation, coupled with 
fear." Powerful and yet tender consideration ! Mark, 
my female friends, the implied eulogy passed by the 
apostle on your sex, where he seems to take it for 
granted, that if one party be destitute of religion, it is 
the husband. And facts prove that this assumption 
was correct. Religion flourishes most amongst the 
female part of our species : in our congregations, and 
in our churches, the greater number is of them. Can 
we account for this by natural causes ? Partly. They 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 61 



are more at home, and therefore more within reach of 
the means of grace ; — they are more susceptible ; — 
they are less exposed to those temptations that harden 
the heart through the deceitfulness of sin ; they are 
subject to more affliction, which softens the heart, and 
prepares it for the seed of the kingdom ; — but all this is 
not enough, for without grace, all these advantages 
are unavailing : we must resolve it therefore into di- 
vine purpose, divine interposition, and the arrange- 
ments of divine wisdom. Female influence in all 
civilized states is great ; and God has generally made 
much use of this wherever the gospel has come, as 
one of the means for spreading religion. He pours 
his grace on them, that their influence may be employ- 
ed with others, especially their husbands and their 
children. If then, in any case, a christian woman be 
united to an unconverted man, she must cherish and 
display a deep, and tender, and judicious solicitude 
for his salvation : and "what knowest thou, O wife, 
whether thou shalt save thy husband." I would not 
encourage unequal marriages : I would not have the 
single try the doubtful and dangerous experiment, 
of marrying an irreligious man, in the hope of convert- 
ing him; in such cases the conversion is often the 
other way : but where the union is formed, there I 
say, nourish the anxiety, and employ every discreet 
exertion for his eternal welfare. Many instances 
have occurred, in which the unbelieving husband, has 
been sanctified by the wife. She has drawn him with 
the cords of a tender and judicious love, to a conside- 
ration of the subject of personal religion. Think of 
the value of a soul, and of the ineffable glory of being 
the instrument of its salvation. But O ! to be the 
means of saving the soul of a husband ! Think how 
it will strengthen the bond, and sanctify and sweeten 
it, which unites you on earth and in time ; and at the 
same time add to it a tie, by which you shall " not lose 
one another in the valley of the shadow of death," but 
be reunited as kindred spirits, though not as man and 
wife, in heaven, and through eternity. " Think, O 
wife, of the happiness — the honor that awaits ycu. 



62 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



What is the triumph you have acquired over him by 
your charms, compared with the victory you will ob- 
tain over him by your religion ? — What pleasure will 
attend you the remainder of your days — now you are 
of " one heart and one mind ;" now you " take sweet 
counsel together." The privileged language of prayer 
now is, — Our Father :" — of every motion made to 
go and seek the Lord of hosts there is a ready ac- 
ceptance — " I will go also." And what will be your 
joy and crown of rejoicing in that day, when, before 
assembled men and angels, he will say, O blessed be 
the Providence which attached us in yonder world, 
and has still more perfectly united us in this. The 
woman thou gavest to be with me, led me not to the 
tree of knowledge of good and evil, but to the tree of 
life which is in the midst of the paradise of God.* 

But how is this solicitude to be employed ? The 
apostle tells us : " that they may be won by the con- 
versation of their wives, while they behold your 
chaste conversation, coupled with fear." Your reli- 
gion must be seen embodied in your whole character 
and conduct. It must commend itself to their judge- 
ment, by what they perceive, as sincere. It must be 
consistent ; for a want of uniformity, however earnest 
it may in many respects and at many times appear, 
will produce disgust. You must " let your light shine 
before them, that they seeing your good works, may 
glorify God." You must ever appear invested with ail 
the beauty of a lovely example, which, silent though 
you be as it respects your tongue, is living eloquence. 
Your religion must diffuse its lustre over your whole 
character, and impress itself most deeply on your 
relation as a wife, and a mother : it must be a new 
motive to all that respect, and reverence, and devoted- 
ness, and meekness, which have been laid before you, 
and it must lead you to carry every conjugal and ma- 
ternal virtue to the highest degree of perfection. It 
must be attended with the most profound humility, for 
if there be any spiritual pride, any conscious and man- 
ifest sense of superiority, any thing approaching to the 



* Mr. Jay. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



63 



pharisaic temper, which says, " stand by, T am holier 
than thou," any thing like contempt of your husband, 
as an unconverted sinner, you will excite an invete- 
rate prejudice, not only against religion, but against 
yourself; religion will be hated by him for your 
sake, and you for religion's sake. When you venture 
to speak to him on the subject of piety, it should be 
as remotely as possible from all lecturing, all dictation, 
all reproach, all conscious superiority; and with all 
possible tenderness, meekness, humility, and persua- 
sive affection. Never talk to him of his state before 
others, and never talk at him. Nor is it likely to ac- 
complish the object you have in view, to weary him by 
continual importunity. Many defeat their own end, 
by an incessant introduction of the subject, and some- 
times with an asperity which increases the revulsion, 
which its own nature is calculated, in such a mind, to 
produce. An occasional hint, and that of the most 
tender, respectful, and delicate kind, is all that you 
should attempt, and then leave your example to speak. 
Occasionally, you may put an instructive volume in 
his way, and solicit his perusal of it. Do not bring 
your religious friends too much about you, so as to 
annoy him ; especially, keep away as much as possible, 
any that may have a less portion of discretion than the 
rest; and confine yourself to the more judicious and 
best informed. Never rudely interfere with his pur- 
suits, his reading, or his company, although they may 
not be what you can cordially approve. Till he is en- 
lightened from above, he will not see the evil of these 
things, and to attempt to interrupt him, in any other 
way, than by the mildest and most respectful expostu- 
lation, will only do harm. Should he wish to draw you 
from the high pursuit of eternal life, you are not, of 
course, in this case, to yield to his persuasion, nor in any 
thing to concede, where your conscience is decidedly 
concerned in the matter. You must be firm, but mild. 
One concession granted by you, would only lead to 
another. But still, even in this extremity, your resist- 
ance of his attempts to interfere with your religion, 
must be maintained in all the meekness of wisdom, 



64 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



and must be attended with fresh efforts to please, in 
all things which are lawful. If such aline of conduct 
should subject you to reproach, anger, and persecu- 
tion, a most painful and by no means an uncommon 
case, you must possess your soul in patience, and 
commit your way to Him that judgeth righteously. 
Many a persecuting husband, has been subdued, if not 
to religion, yet to kinder conduct, by the meek and 
uncomplaining temper of his wife. 

To conclude. Let us all seek after more of the 
spirit of true religion, — the spirit of faith, of hope, of 
prayer : a faith, that really believes the word of God, 
and looketh habitually to the cross of Christ by which 
we obtain salvation, and to the eternal world where 
we shall fully and for ever enjoy it : a hope that lives 
in the expectation and desire of glory, honor, immor- 
tality, and eternal life : and a spirit of prayer which 
leads us daily and hourly to the throne of divine grace, 
for all that aid of the Holy Ghost, which we need, not 
only for the duties that refer to our relations to another 
world, but for those which devolve upon us, in conse- 
quence of our relation in this. " Godliness is profita- 
ble for all things, having the promise of the life that 
now is, as well as of that which is to come." The 
same principle of divine grace which unites us to God, 
will bind us closer to each other. Religion contains 
in it, not only the seeds of immortal virtues, but of 
such as are mortal: not only the germs of excellen- 
cies which are to flourish in the temple of heaven, 
but which grow up in the house of our pilgrimage 
upon earth, to enliven with their beauty, and to refresh 
with their fragrance, the domestic circle. A good 
christian cannot be a bad husband, or father; and, 
other things being equal, he who has most piety, will 
shine most in all the relations of life. A Bible placed 
between man and wife as the basis of their union, the 
rule of their conduct, and the model of their spirit, will 
make up many a difference, comfort them under many 
a cross, guide them in many a strait, wherein flesh 
and blood will be confounded and at a loss, support 
them in their last sad parting from each other, and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



65 



re-unite them m the world where they shall go no 
more out. 

"Those married pairs that live, as remembering 
that they must part again, and give an account how 
they treat themselves and each other, shall at the day 
of their death, be admitted to glorious espousals ; and 
when they shall live again, be married to their Lord, 
and partake of his glories. All those things that now 
please us, shall pass from us, or we from them; but 
those things that concern the other life, are permanent 
as the numbers of eternity : and although at the re- 
surrection, there shall be no relation of husband and 
wife, and no marriage shall be celebrated but the mar- 
riage of the Lamb, yet then shall be remembered how 
men and women passed through this state, which is 
a type of that; and from this sacramental union, all 
holy pairs shall pass to the spiritual and eternal, where 
love shall be their portion, and joys shall crown their 
heads, and they shall lie in the bosom of Jesus, and in 
the heart of God to eternal ages." Amen. 



CHAPTER III. 

SOME REMARKS ON THE FORMATION OF THE MARRIAGE 
UNION. 

" Methinks it is a misfortune that the marriage state, which, in its 
own nature, is adapted to give us the completest happiness, this life is 
capable of, should be so uncomfortable a one to so many as it daily 
proves. But the mischief generally proceeds from the unwise choice 
people make for themselves, and an expectation of happiness from 
things incapable of giving it. Nothing but the good qualities of the 
person beloved, can be a foundation for a love of judgement and dis- 
cretion ; and whoever expect happiness from any thing but virtue, 
wisdom, good humor, and a similitude of manners, will find them- 
selves widely mistaken." Spectator. 

The preceding chapters make it evident, that mar- 
riage is a step of incalculable importance, and ought 
never to be taken without the greatest consideration 
an 4 the utmost caution. If the duties of this state 

6* 



66 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



are so numerous and so weighty, and if the right dis- 
charge of these obligations, as well as the happiness 
of our whole life, and even our safety for eternity, de- 
pends, as they necessarily must do, in no small meas- 
ure, upon the choice we make of a husband or wife, 
then let reason determine, with what deliberation we 
should advance to such a connexion. It is obvious, 
that no decision of our whole earthly existence re- 
quires more of the exercise of a calm judgement than 
this ; and yet observation proves how rarely the judge- 
ment is allowed to give counsel, and how generally 
the imagination and the passions settle the business. 
A very great portion of the misery and of the crime 
with which society is depraved and afflicted, is the re- 
sult of ill-formed marriages. If mere passion without 
prudence, or covetousness without love, be allowed to 
guide the choice, no wonder that it is improperly done, 
or that it is highly disastrous in its consequences ; and 
how often are passion and covetousness alone consult- 
ed. To use the beautiful language quoted by me in 
another work, where I have treated briefly the subject 
of this chapter, I would remark, " that they who enter 
the marriage state, cast a die of the greatest contin- 
gency, and yet of the greatest interest in the world, 
next to the last throw for eternity. Life or death, fe- 
licity or a lasting sorrow, are in the power of marriage. 
A woman indeed ventures most, for she hath no sanc- 
tuary to retire to, from an evil husband ; she must 
dwell upon her sorrow, which her own folly hath pro- 
duced ; and she is more under it, because her torment- 
or hath warrant of prerogative, and the woman may 
complain to God, as subjects do of tyrant princes, but 
otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of unkind- 
ness. And though the man can run from many hours 
of sadness, yet he must return to it again ; and when 
he sits among his neighbors, he remembers the objec- 
tion that lies in his bosom, and he sighs deeply." If, 
however, it were merely the comfort of the married 
pair themselves that was concerned, it would be a 
matter of less consequence, a stake of less value ; but 
the well being of a family, not only for this world, but 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 67 

for the next; and equally so the well being of their 
descendants, even to a remote period, depends upon 
this union. In the ardor of passion, few are disposed 
to listen to the counsels of prudence ; an4 perhaps 
there is no advice, generally speaking, more thrown 
away, than that which is offered on the subject of 
marriage. Most persons, especially if they are already 
attached to a selected object, even though they have 
not committed themselves by a promise or even a de- 
claration, will go on in the pursuit, blinded by love to 
the indiscretion of their choice ; or desperately deter- 
mined, with the knowledge of that indiscretion, to 
accomplish, if possible, their purpose. Upon such in- 
dividuals, reasoning is wasted, and they must be left 
to gain wisdom in the only way by which some will 
acquire it, painful experience. To others who may 
be yet disengaged, and disposed to hearken to the 
language of advice, the following remarks are of- 
fered. — 

In the affair of marriage, be guided by the ad- 
vice or parents, or guardians. Parents have no 
right to select for you, nor ought you to select for 
yourself, without consulting with them. How far they 
are vested with authority to prohibit you from mar- 
rying a person whom they disapprove, is a point of 
casuistry, very difficult to determine. If you are of 
age, and able to provide for yourselves, or are likely 
to be well provided for by those to whom you are 
about to be united, it is a question whether they can do 
any thing more than advise and persuade ; but till you 
are of age, they have positive authority to forbid: and 
it is an undutiful act in you to form connexions with- 
out their knowledge, and to carry them on against 
their prohibitions. Their objections ought always, I 
admit, to be founded on reason, and not on caprice, 
pride, or cupidity : for where this is the case, and 
children are of full age, and are guided in their choice 
by prudence, by piety, and by affection, they certainly 
may and must be left to decide for themselves. 
Where, however, parents rest their objections on suf- 
ficient grounds, and shew plain and palpable reasons 



68 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



for prohibting a connexion, there it is the manifest duty 
of sons, and especially of daughters, to give it up. A 
union formed in opposition to the reasonable objection 
of a discreet father or mother is very rarely a happy 
one ; and the bitter cup is rendered additionally bitter 
in such a case, by the wormwood and gall of self re- 
proach. What miseries of this kind have we all seen ! 
How many beacons are set up, if young people would 
but look at them, to warn them against the folly of 
giving themselves to the impulse of an imprudent at- 
tachment, and following it to a close, against the ad- 
vice, remonstrances, and prohibitions of their parents. 
Very seldom does that connexion prove otherwise 
than a source of wretchedness, on which the frown 
of an affectionate and wise father and mother fell from 
the beginning ; for God seems to rise up in judgement, 
and to support the parent's authority, by confirming 
their displeasure with his own. 

Marriage should in every case be formed upon the 
basis of mutual attachment. If their be no love 
before marriage, it cannot be expected there should be 
any after it. Lovers, as all are supposed to be who 
are looking forward to this union, without love, have 
no right to expect happiness ; the coldness of indiffe- 
rence is soon likely, in their case, to be changed into 
aversion. There ought to be personal attachment. 
If there be any thing, even in the exterior, that ex- 
cites disgust, the banns are forbidden by the voice of 
nature. I do not say, that beauty of countenance, or 
elegance of form, is necessary ; by no means ; a pure 
and strong attachment has often existed in the ab- 
sence of these ; and I will not take upon me to deter- 
mine, that it is absolutely impossible to love deformity ; 
but we certainly ought not to unite ourselves with it, 
unless we can love it ; or, at least, are so enamored 
with the fascination of mental qualities that may be 
united with it, as to lose sight of the body in the 
charms of the mind, the heart, and the manners. All 
1 contend for, is, that to proceed to marriage against 
absolute dislike and revulsion, is irrational, base, and 
sinful 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



69 



But love should respect the mind, as well as the 
body ; for to be attached to an individual simply on 
the ground of beauty, is to fall in love with a doll, a 
statue, or a picture ; such an attachment is lust or 
fancy, but certainly not a rational affection. If we 
love the body, but do not love the mind, the heart, and 
the manners, our regard is placed upon the inferior 
part of the person, and therefore, only upon that which 
by disease, may be next year a very different thing to 
what it is now. Nothing fades so soon as beauty ; it 
is but like the delicate bloom of an attractive fruit, 
and if there be nothing agreeable underneath, will be 
thrown away in disgust when that is brushed off ; and 
thrown away, too, by the very hand of him that plucks 
it. It is so commonly remarked, as to be proverbial, 
that the charms of mind increase by acquaintance, 
while those of the exterior diminish : and that while 
the former easily reconcile us to a plain countenance, 
the latter excite, by the power of contrast, a distaste 
for the insipidity, ignorance, and heartlessness with 
which they are united, like gaudy, scentless flowers 
growing in a desert. Instead of determining to stake 
our happiness upon the act of gathering these bloom- 
ing weeds to place them in our bosom, let us ask, how 
they will look a few years hence, or how they will 
adorn and bless our habitation ? Let us ask, will the 
understanding, united with that countenance, render 
its subject fit to be my companion, and the instructer 
of my children ? Will that temper patiently bear with 
my weaknesses, kindly consult my tastes, affectionately 
study my comfort ? Will those manners please me in 
solitude, as well as in society ? Will those habits ren- 
der my dwelling pleasant to myself and to my friends ? 
We must try these matters, and hold our passions back, 
that we may take counsel with our judgement, and 
suffer reason to come down and talk with us in the 
cool of the evening. 

Such then, is the love on which marriage should be 
contracted : love to the whole person ; love to the 
mind, and heart, and manners, as well as to the coun- 
tenance and form ; love tempered with respect ; for 



70 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



this only is the attachment that is likely to survive the 
charms of novelty, the spoliations of disease, and the 
influence of time ; that is likely to support the tender 
sympathies and exquisite sensibilities of the conjugal 
state ; and render man and wife to the verge of ex- 
treme old age, what it was the intention of him, who 
instituted the marriage union, they should be, — the 
help and the comfort of each other. 

By what language then, sufficiently strong and indig- 
nant, can we reprobate those compacts, so disgraceful, 
and yet so common, by which marriage is converted 
into a money speculation, a trading enterprise, a mere 
business of pounds, shillings, and pence ? How cruel 
a part do those parents act, who, for the sake of an 
advantageous settlement, urge their daughters into a 
union, from which their hearts revolt; or persuade 
their sons to marry women, towards whom they feel 
no affection, merely for the sake of a fortune ! Un- 
natural fathers and mothers ! is it thus ye would lead 
your children, decorated as sacrifices, to the shrine 
of Mammon, and act the part of priests and priestesses 
yourselves, in the immolation of these hapless victims ! ! 
What, will you assist in the rites of this legal prostitu- 
tion ? Can none others be found but you, the natural 
guardians of your children's interest, to persuade them 
to sell their persons, and barter all the happiness of 
their future lives for gold ? Will you make yourselves 
responsible for all the future miseries of your child- 
ren, and your children's children, by recommending 
such a sordid compact ? Forbear, I entreat you, for 
your own sake, for your children's sake, and for the 
sake of society, to recommend a marriage, which is 
not founded on pure, and strong, and mutual attach- 
ment. 

Young people themselves, should be extremely 
careful on their own part, to let no persuasions of 
others, no impulse of their own covetousness, no anx- 
iety to be their own masters and mistresses, no ambi- 
tion for secular splendor, induce them to enter into a 
connexion, to which they are not drawn by the solici- 
tations of a pure and virtuous love. What will a large 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 71 

house, splendid furniture, a gay equipage, and fash- 
ionable entertainments do for their possessor, in the 
absence of connubial love ? " Is it for these baubles, 
these toys," exclaims the wretched heart as it awak- 
ens, alas ! too late, in some sad scene of domestic wo, 
"is it for this I have bartered away myself, my happi- 
ness, my honor ? 

" How ill the scenes that offer rest, 
And heart that cannot rest agree." 

O there is a sweetness, a charm, a power to please, 
in pure and mutual affection, though it be cherished 
in the humblest abode, and maintained amidst the 
plainest circumstances, and has to contend with many 
difficulties, compared with which, the elegancies and 
brilliancies of worldly grandeur, are but as the splen- 
dor of an eastern palace, to one of the bowers of the 
garden of Eden. Let the man nobly determine to 
earn his daily bread by the sweat of his brow, and find 
his daily task sweetened by the thought that it is for 
the woman he loves, rather than roll about in his 
chariot, and live a life of splendid indolence and 
misery, with the woman he does not love : and let the 
other sex, as nobly and heroically determine to trust to 
their own energies, but especially to a gracious provi- 
dence, rather than marry without affection, for the 
sake of a settlement. 

Then there is another error committed by some: 
having been disappointed in a connexion which they 
hoped to form, they become reckless for the future, 
and in a temper of mind bordering upon revenge, 
accept the first individual who may present himself, 
wheiher they love him or not. This is the last degree 
of roily, and is such an act of suicidal violence upon 
her own peace, as can neither be described nor repro- 
bated in terms sufficiently strong. This is to act like 
the enraged scorpion, and to turn their sting upon 
themselves ; and in an act of spleen to sacrifice their 
happiness to folly. And in fact, on whom does this 
mad spite fall ? Upon the individual who has done 
them no harm, but that of attempting to heal the 



72 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



breach that has been made in their happiness, and to 
whom in return they carry a heart, which they have 
virtually given to another. How much more .rational, 
how much more conducive to their own comfort, and 
how much more honorable is it in a case like this, to 
wait till time, and piety have healed the wound, and 
left the heart at liberty for another attachment; and 
even to remain in perpetual celibacy, rather than mar- 
ry without that which alone can constitute a virtuous 
marriage, — sincere affection. 

Marriage should ever be contracted, with the 

STRICTEST REGARD TO THE RULES OF PRUDENCE. 

Discretion is a virtue, at which none but fools laugh. 
In reference to no subject is it more frequently set 
aside and despised, than in that, which, of all that can 
be mentioned, most needs its sober counsels. For 
love to be seen standing at the oracle of wisdom, is 
thought by some romantic and silly young people, to 
be a thing altogether out of place. If they only were 
concerned, they might be left to their folly, to be 
punished by its fruits ; but imprudent marriages, as we 
have already considered, spread far and wide their 
bad consequences, and also send these consequences 
down to posterity. The understanding is given to us 
to control the passions and the imagination ; and they, 
who, in an affair of such consequence, as choosing a 
companion for life, set aside the testimony of the for- 
mer, and listen only to the advice of the latter, have, in 
that instance, at least, forfeited the character of a ra- 
tional being, and sunk to the level of those creatures, 
who are wholly governed by appetite, unchecked by 
reason. Prudence would prevent, if it were allowed 
to guide the conduct of mankind, a very large portion 
of human misery. In the business before us, it would 
allow none to marry till they had a prospect of sup- 
port. It is perfectly obvious to me, that the present 
generation of young people are not distinguished by 
a discretion of this kind : they are too much in haste 
to enter the conjugal state, and place themselves at 
the heads of families, before they have any rational 
hope of being able to support them. As soon almost 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



73 



as they arrive at the age of manhood, whether they 
are in business or not, before they have ascertained 
whether their business will succeed or not, they look 
round for a wife, and make a hasty, perhaps an injudi- 
cious selection. A family comes on before they have 
adequate means of maintaining it ; their affairs become 
embarrassed ; bankruptcy ensues ; their prospects are 
clouded for ever ; they become burdens upon their 
friends ; and their misery, together with that of the 
partner of their folly, and of their hapless children, is 
sealed for the term of their existence upon earth. 
How many instances of this kind have we known, and 
which may be considered as sad, and true, and im- 
pressive comments on the imprudence of improvident 
marriages. Let young people exercise their reason 
and their foresight ; or if they will not, but are deter- 
mined to rush into the expenses of housekeeping, be- 
fore they have opened sources to meet them, let them 
hear, in spite of the syren song of their imagination, 
the voice of faithful warning, and prepare to eat the 
bitter herbs of useless regrets, for many a long and 
weary year after the nuptial feast has passed away. 

Prudence forbids all unequal marriages. There 
should be an equality^ as near as may be in age ; 
" for," says Mr. Jay, fhow unnatural, how indecent, 
is it to see an old mail surrounded with infants and 
babes, when he xan scarcely see or hear for the in- 
firmities of age ij How unnatural, how odious is it, to 
see a young man fastened to a piece of antiquity, so 
as to perplex strangers to determine, whether he is 
living with a wife or a mother." No one will give the 
woman in the one case, or the man in the other, the 
credit of marrying for love ; and the world will be ill- 
natured enough, and one can hardly help joining in 
the censoriousness, to say that such matches are mere 
pecuniary speculations ; for generally speaking, the 
old party in the union, is a rich one 5 and as generally, 
they carry a scourge for the other in their purse. A 
fortune has often thus been a misfortune for both. 

Equality of rank is desirable, or as near to it as 
possible. Instances have occurred, in which respecta- 



74 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ble men have married servants, and yet maintained 
their respectability, and enjoyed a full cup of domestic 
comfort : but these cases are rare, and generally con- 
tain some circumstances of peculiarity. And it is 
much less perilous for a rich man to descend into the 
vale of poverty for a wife, than it is for a rich woman 
to go down for a husband. He can much more easily 
raise his companion to his own level, than she can. 
Society will much more readily accommodate them- 
selves to his error, than to hers. Much of the happi- 
ness of the conjugal state, depends upon the relatives 
of the parties, and if the marriage has offended them, 
if it has degraded them, how much of bitterness is it in 
their power to throw into the cup of enjoyment. Many 
a wife has carried to her grave, the sting inflicted 
upon her peace, by the insults of her husband's friends : 
and in all such cases, he must receive a part of the 
venom. 

" It has been said, that no class of men err so much 
in this article, as ministers. But surely this cannot 
be admitted. It cannot be supposed that those whose 
office it is to inculcate prudence, should themselves 
be proverbial for indiscretion. It cannot be supposed 
that those whose incomes are limited, and whose cir- 
cumstances demand economy, would bring into the 
management of them, those who have been trained up 
in delicacy and extravagance ; and are helpless and 
profuse. It cannot be supposed, that men, whose office 
is respectable, and productive of social intercourse, 
would select vulgarity and ignorance, unfit to be either 
seen or heard, merely because it is pious. A minister 
is to inculcate order and regularity ; and would he 
marry a female that would render his house a scene 
of confusion and tumult ? A minister is to show how 
the claims of life and religion harmonize, and to as- 
sign to the duties of each, their own place and sea- 
son; and would he marry a rattle-brain, who, instead 
of being a keeper at home, has been always rambling 
after some new preacher ; who, instead of quietly glo- 
rifying God in her own sphere of action, has been en- 
deavoring to excite public attention; who has been 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



75 



zealous in matters of doubtful disputation, but lias 
treated as beneath her regard, matters of common and 
relative obligations ? Need he be told, that a becom- 
ing behavior in a lower and private station, is the 
surest pledge of, and the best preparation for, a proper 
behavior in a higher and more public situation ! A 
minister is to recommend neatness, and all the decen- 
cies of life, and would he marry a slattern ? A min- 
ister is to show, that the ornament of a meek and quiet 
spirit, is in the sight of God, of great price, and would 
he marry a scold ? A minister is to stand in the same 
relation to all his people, who demand his love and 
service, and would he marry a female who would 
fondly attach herself to a few cronies, listen to all their 
secrets, and divulge her own, and form cabals and 
schisms, which will render his residence unpleasant, 
or occasion his removal ? 

To my brethren in the ministry I do recommend, 
and recommend with an earnestness which I have no 
language sufficiently emphatic to express, the great- 
est caution in this most delicate and important affair. 
In their case, the effects of an imprudent marriage 
are felt in the church of the living God. If the wives 
of the deacons, are to be " grave, no slanderers, sober, 
faithful, in all things," what less can be required of 
the wives of the pastors ? "A bishop must be blame- 
less, one that ruleth well his own house, having his 
children in subjection with all gravity. For if a man 
know not how to rule his own house, how shall he 
take care of the church of God." But how can he 
exhibit in his domestic constitution, the beautiful order 
and harmony which should prevail in every christian 
family, and especially in every minister's house, with- 
out the intelligent and industrious co-operation of his 
wife : and how can this be expected of one who has 
no intelligence, or industry ? Not only much of the 
comfort, but of the character of a minister, depends 
tjfon his wife ; and what is of still greater conse- 
quence, much of his usefulness." How many have 
been driven away from scenes of successful labor, or 
rendered uncomfortable in the midst of them, by the 



76 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



mismanagement of wives, who have plunged their 
husbands into debt, and thus blasted their respectabil- 
ity ; or by that pride, petulance, vulgarity, meanness, 
and busy interference, by which they have involved 
them in perpetual strife, with their neighbors, trades- 
men, or their congregation! considering, therefore, 
how much mischief may be done by their indiscretion, 
ministers should raise imprudence in marriage to the 
rank of a great sin. And then their guilt in the com- 
mission of this sin is the greater as they have less ex- 
cuse for it than others ; for they have only to exercise 
patience, and to restrain themselves from hasty and 
injudicious entanglements, and to avail themselves of 
the extended opportunity which their situation gives 
them, to obtain a companion, that shall be to them, 
both as men and ministers, a helper of their joy. 
Some widowers in selecting a second wife have con- 
sulted their children's comfort more than their own 
taste ; whether this be right or wrong in their case, 
we shall presently consider ; but certainly, a minister 
while he is allowed the usual privilege of following 
his own predilections, ought never to gratify his taste 
at the expense of his official respectability, or at the 
risk of his usefulness, but in the choice of a wife, 
should be guided by a view to the comfort of his 
church,_as well as by a reference to his own hap- 
piness. 

Marriage should always be formed, with a due 

REGARD TO THE DICTATES OF RELIGION./' A pioUS per- 
son should not marry any one who is not also pious.J 
It .id not desirable to be united to an individual even 
oi a different denomination, and who, as a point of 
conscience, attends her own place of worship. It is 
not pleasant on a sabbath morning to separate, and go 
one to one place of worship, and the other to another. 
The most delightful walk that a holy couple can take, 
is to the house of God in company, and when, in 
reference to the high themes of redemption and the 
invisible realities of eternity, they take sweet counsel 
together. No one would willingly lose this. But oh 
to walk separately in a still more important and dread- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 77 



fill sense ! To part at the point where the two roads 
to eternity branch off, the one to heaven, the other to 
hell ; and for the believer " to travel on to glory, with 
the dreadful consciousness, that the other party is 
journeying' to perdition!! This is indeed dreadful, 
and is of itself sufficient to occasion no small diminu- 
tion of conjugal felicity. If however, the comfort of 
the parties only were concerned, it would be a mat- 
ter of less consequence : but it is a matter of con- 
science, and an affair in which we have no option. 
" She is at liberty to marry whom she will," says the 
apostle, speaking to the case of a widow, " but only 
in the Lord." Now though this was said in refe- 
rence to a female, all the reasons of the law belong 
with equal force to the other sex. This appears to 
me to be not only advice but law, and is as binding 
upon the conscience as any other law that we find in 
the word of God ; and the incidental manner in which 
this injunction occurs, is, as has been very properly 
remarked, to the intelligent reader of scripture, the 
strongest confirmation of the rule in all cases, where 
marriage is in prospect, and where there has been no 
engagement previous to conversion. As to the other 
passage, where the apostle commands us not to be un- 
equally yoked together with unbelievers, it does not 
apply to marriage, except by inference, but to church 
fellowship, or rather to association and conduct in 
general, in reference to which, professing christians 
are not to symbolize with unbelievers. But if this be 
improper in regard to other matters, how much more 
so in that connexion, which has so powerful an influ- 
ence over our character, as well as our happiness. 
For a christian, then, to marry an individual who is 
not decidedly and evidently a pious person, is a direct 
opposition to the word of God. 

And if Scripture were not against it, reason is ; 
for "how can two walk together, except they be 
agreed." A difference of taste in minor matters is an 
impediment in the way of domestic comfort; but to 
be opposed to each other on the all important subject 
of religion, is a risk, even as it respects our comfort, 



78 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



which no considerate person should be induced, on 
any consideration to incur. How can the higher ends 
of the domestic constitution be answered, where one 
of the parents has not the spiritual qualifications ne- 
cessary for accomplishing them ? How can the work 
of religious education be conducted, and the children 
be trained in the nurture and admonition of the Lord ? 
And as it respects individual and personal assistance 
in religious matters, do we not all want helps instead 
of hindrances ? A christian should make every thing 
bend to religion, but allow religion to bend to no- 
thing. This is the one thing needful, to which every 
thing should be subordinate ; and surely, to place out 
of consideration, the affairs of his eternal salvation, in 
so important an affair as marriage, shows either that 
the religion of a person who acts thus, is but profes- 
sion, or likely soon to become so. 

The neglect of this plain and reasonable rule is 
becoming, I am afraid, more and more prevalent. I 
do not wonder at all, that this subject should have ex- 
cited the attention of the ministers of religion, and 
that the Congregational' Association for Wiltshire 
should, at their yearly meeting, in 1806, have come to 
the following resolution: — Deploring the little regard 
of late years paid by too many professors of religion 
to the christian rule of marriage: and deeming it de- 
sirable^ that the attention of the public in general, and 
our own churches in particular, should be called to this 
subject ; we do unanimously request the Rev. Mr. Jay 
to publish some strictures upon it." 

In the excellent treatise which Mr. Jay published 
in compliance with this request, he makes the follow- 
ing just and important remarks. "How deplorable is 
it that this christian rule of marriage is so frequently 
trampled upon. The violation is, in the degree of it at 
least, peculiar to our own age. Our pious ancestors, 
especially among the non-conformists, would have 
been shocked at the practice, as appears from their 
invaluable writings. And i am persuaded that it 

IS VERY MUCH OWING TO THE PREVALENCE OF THESE 
INDISCRIMINATE AND UNHALLOWED CONNEXIONS, 



/ 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



79 



THAT WE HAVE FALLEN SO FAR SHORT OF THOSE 
MEN OF GOD WHO ARE GONE BEFORE US, IN OUR SE- 
CLUSION FROM THE WORLD, IN THE SIMPLICITY OF 
OUR MANNERS, IN THE UNIFORMITY OF OUR PROFES- 
SION, IN THE DISCHARGE OF FAMILY WORSHIP, AND IN 
THE TRAINING UP OF OUR HOUSEHOLDS IN THE NUR- 
TURE AND ADMONITION OF THE LORD." 

No one should contemplate the prospect of such a 
connexion as marriage, without the greatest and most 
serious deliberation; nor without the most earnest 
prayer to God for direction.. Prayer, however, to be 
acceptable to the Almighty, should be sincere, and 
should be presented with a real desire to know and 
do his will. Many, I believe, act toward the Deity, 
I as they do towards their friends ; they make up their 
minds, and then ask to be directed. They have some 
doubts, and very often strong ones, of the propriety 
of the step they are about to take, which are gradually 
dissipated by their supplications, till they have prayed 
themselves into a conviction that they are quite right 
in the decision, which they have in fact, already made. 
To pray for direction in an affair which we know to 
be in opposition to God's word, and on which we have 
already resolved to act, is adding hypocrisy to rebel- 
lion. If there be reason to believe that the individual 
who solicits a christian to unite herself with him in 
marriage, is not truly pious, what need has she of 
praying to be directed ? This seems like asking the 
Almighty, to be permitted to do that which he has for- 
bidden to be done. 

In the case of widows and widowers, especially 
where there is a family, peculiar prudence is neces- 
sary. I have known instances in which such persons 
have sacrificed all their own tastes and predilections, 
and have made their selection with exclusive reference 
to their children. Such a sacrifice is indeed gene- 
rous ; but it may become a question whether it is dis- 
creet. It is placing their own comfort, and even 
character, in some degree of peril, neither of which 
can be lost, without most serious mischief to those 
very children, whose interest they haye so heroically 



80 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



consulted. This, however, is an error much more rare 
and venial, than that of the opposite extreme. How 
unseemly and inconsiderate is it for a sexagenarian, to 
bring home a young wife, and place her over daugh- 
ters older than herself, and introduce into the family 
circle, aunts and uncles, younger than some of the 
nephews and nieces. Rare is the case, in which such 
inexpedient connexions are formed, without the au- 
thors of them losing much of their own reputation, and 
destroying much of the comfort of their families. Let 
not such men wonder, if their daughters by the first 
marriage, are driven from their home by the conse- 
quences of the second; and are led to form imprudent 
matches, to which they were led by the force of pa- 
rental example, and urged by the consequences of 
parental folly. 

In the selection of a second companion for life, 
where the first has been eminent for talents or virtues, 
much care should be taken that there be no great and 
striking inferiority ; for in such a case, 

" busy, medling memory, 

In barbarous succession, musters up 

The past endearments of their softer hours 

which form a contrast ever present, and ever painful. 
The man that never knew by experience the joy of a 
happy marriage, can never know the ills of an impru- 
dent one, as aggravated by the power of comparison. 
Let him that has thus known them, beware how he 
expose himself to such helpless, hopeless misery. 

Due care should also be exercised in reference to 
the children. Has the woman about to be selected, 
that principle, that prudence, that self control, that 
good temper, which, if she become herself a mother, 
will help her to conceal her partialities, for to suppress 
them is impossible, and would be unnatural, and to 
seem no less kind to her adopted offspring, than to her 
own ? That man acts a most cruel, a most wicked 
part towards the memory of his first wife, who does 
not provide for her children, a kind and judicious 
friend in his second. What is it but a dread of this, 
that has made some women, when upon their dying 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 81 

bed, break through the rules of propriety, and recom- 
mend their successor in the arms, and heart, and house 
of their husbands ? They trembled for their children, 
and seemed at that sad moment, to have become will- 
ing to be forgotten, provided their babes could find a 
second mother in her that was to fill their place. Let 
me then become the advocate of fatherless, or mother- 
less children, and entreat, for the sake, both of the 
living and the dead, a due regard to the comfort of 
these orphans. 

Nor should less deliberation be exercised by the 
party who is about to take, or invited to take the care 
of another person's children. Have they love enough 
for the parent, to bear the burden of care for his sake ? 
Have they kindness enough, temper enough, discre- 
tion enough, for such a situation, and for such an of- 
fice ? There is no difficulty where the children are 
lovely in person, and amiable in temper; but when 
they have no personal attractions, no charms of mind, 
no endearments of character, then is the time to real- 
ize the truth of Mr. Jay's expression, " a wife may be 
supplied, a mother cannot" The man or the woman 
that can act a parent's part towards a froward and un- 
lovely child, must have more than nature, for this be- 
longs only to a real parent, they must have principle 
and kindness, and need have grace. Let all who are 
invited to take the superintendence of a family, ask 
themselves, if they possess the requisites for the com- 
fortable and satisfactory discharge of its duties. Let 
them inquire whether it is likely they can be happy in 
such a situation themselves ; for if not, they had far 
better never enter it, as their unhappiness must inevi- 
tably fill the whole family circle with misery. 

It cannot be sufficiently deplored, that all suitable 
preparation for the marriage state, is usually put aside 
for the busy activities of vanity, which in fact, are but 
as dust in the balance of the conjugal destiny. Every 
thought, and anticipation, and anxiety, is too often 
absorbed in the selection of a house, and furniture ; 
and in matters still more insignificant and frivolous. 
How common is it for a female to spend those hours, 



82 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



day after day, and week after week in communion 
with her milliner, debating" and discussing the subject 
of the colour, and form, and material, in which she is 
to shine forth in nuptial splendor, which ought to be 
employed in meditating the eventful step, which is to 
fix for life her destiny, and that of her intended hus- 
band ; as if the great object were to appear a gay and 
fashionable bride, rather than to he a good and happy 
wife. And most pitiable is it to see some mothers, 
ministering to this folly, and flattering the vanity of 
their daughters, instead of preparing them by judicious 
and seasonable counsels, for discharging the duties of 
that new and important connexion, into which they 
are about to enter. 

"Study," said an old author, "the duties of mar- 
riage, before you enter into it. There are crosses to 
be borne, there are snares to be avoided, and manifold 
obligations to be discharged, as well as great felicity 
to be enjoyed. And should no provision be made ? 
For want of this, result the frequent disappointments 
of that honorable estate. Hence that repentance 
which is at once too soon y and too late. The husband 
knows not how to rule ; and the wife knows not how 
to obey. Both are ignorant, both conceited, and both 
miserable." 

In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He 
shall direct thy paths. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 83 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE DUTIES OF PARENTS. 



" Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath ; but bring them 
up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." Ephes. vi. 4. 

" Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he 
will not depart from it." Proverbs xxii. 6. 

"And these words which I command thee this day, shall be in 
thine heart, and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, 
and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when 
thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou 
risest up." Deut. vi. 6, 7. 

" And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the 
heart of the children to the fathers, lest I come and smite the earth 
with a curse." Mal. iv. 6. 



It is an interesting and important era in the history 
of domestic life, when the husband and wife receive 
the new names of father and mother, and become 
united by the supplemental tie, which is furnished by 
the little helpless stranger, so lately introduced into 
the family. Who that has felt them, can ever forget 
the emotions awakened by the first gaze upon the face 
of his child, by the first embrace of his babe. Little, 
however, do the bulk of mankind consider, what a 
weight of obligation, what a degree of responsibility, 
that child has brought into the world with him for his 
parents. In the joyousness with which the mother 
lavishes her fond embraces upon her boy, and in the 
paternal pride with which the father looks on this new 
object of their affection, how rarely does either of 
them revolve, in deep seriousness, the future destiny 
of this new idol of their hearts ; or consider how nearly 
that destiny is connected with their own conduct. Pa- 
rental obligations are neither felt nor known by multi- 
tudes. How then can they be discharged ? Rushing 
into the connexion of marriage under the mere im- 
pulse of passion, without forethought, without pru- 
dence, multitudes become parents, before they have 
one right view, or one right feeling, in reference to 
the duties of the parental relationship ; to which they 
come with scarcely any other preparedness, than that 



84 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



mere animal fondness for their young, which they 
partake of in common with the irrational creation ; but 
not with that same instinctive ability, " to train them 
up in the way they should go." Who can wonder at 
the disordered state of society at large, or be surprised 
at the aboundings of evils and miseries in our world, 
that looks at the manner in which domestic duties are 
neglected. When I consider what poor, ignorant, 
thoughtless, frivolous, wicked creatures are often seen 
at the head of households, I can only ascribe it to the 
interference of an all wise and powerful providence, 
that society is not far more chaotic, than it is. 

My business in this chapter, is to endeavor to rec- 
tify, if possible, some of these evils, and to lay down a 
rule to guide the parent in discharging his truly im- 
portant, and awfully responsible obligation ; persuaded 
as I am, that many of the evils and miseries of society 
would vanish before a right performance of parental 
duties. 

1. It is impossible for parents to discharge their 
duty, without a correct view of the nature and design 
of the domestic constitution. 

This they should study, and arrive at the conclusion 
as speedily as possible, and keep it ever before the 
mind, that the great design of this compact is, to form 
well the character of the children ; to train up the citi- 
zen for the world, and the christian for the church ; 
to assist the child, as a mortal, to go with honor and 
comfort through this life, and as an immortal, to reach 
life everlasting. The domestic circle is intended to 
be the school of character, where, in the highest sense 
of the term, the most important business of education 
is to be conducted ; where the moral sense is to be 
implanted and cultivated, and the conscience, and the 
temper, and the heart, are all to be trained. 

2. Parents should be most deeply impressed and af- 
fected, with a sense of the importance of the station 
they occupy in the domestic constitution. 

Their state of mind should be the very opposite of 
that light and frivolous indifference ; that absence of 
all anxiety, which many of them manifest. There are 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 85 

some who seem to regard their children as pretty little 
living playthings, that must be well taken care of, and 
be taught, by somebody or other, whatever will set 
them off to the best advantage : but as to any idea of 
the formation of.their character, especially their moral 
and religious character, and any of that deep, and 
painful, and almost overwhelming solicitude, which 
arises from a clear perception, and powerful impression 
of the probable connexion between the child's destiny, 
and the parents' conduct ; to all this they are utter 
strangers. Many horticulturalists have far more in- 
tense solicitude about the developing of their plants, 
far more wakeful and anxious care about the fragrance 
and colour of a flower, or the size and flavour of a fruit, 
than many parents have about the developement of 
mind, and the formation of character in a child. They 
have plants of immortality in their house, they have 
young trees which are to bear fruits to eternity, grow- 
ing up around them, the training of which, is commit- 
ted to their care, and yet have very little solicitude, 
and scarcely any thoughtfulness, whether they yield 
in this world or the next, poisonous or wholesome pro- 
duce. On parents, it depends in a great measure 
what their children are to be, — miserable or happy in 
themselves ; a comfort or a curse to their connexions ; 
an ornament or a deformity to society ; a fiend or a 
seraph in eternity. It is indeed an awful thing to be 
a parent, and is enough to awaken the anxious, trem- 
bling inquiry in every heart, " Lord, who is sufficient 
for these things ?" 

3. Parents should seek after the possession of all 
possible qualifications for their office. 

What man in his senses would undertake the office 
of a pilot upon a dangerous coast, without a knowledge 
of navigation ? Or that of a general of an army, with- 
out a knowledge of military tactics ? Or that of a 
physician, without a knowledge of medicine a*hd dis- 
eases ? And who would go on another hour in the 
office of a parent, without seeking to possess all suita- 
ble qualifications ? And what are they ? — 

Genuine personal religion : for how can they bring 
8 



86 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



up children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, 
if they do not know the Lord for themselves ? In 
order to teach religion with any probable effect, we 
must know it ourselves. That parent will have little 
ability, and less inclination, to inculcate piety upon 
his children, who has none himself. A graceless pa- 
rent is a most awful character ! Oh, to see the father 
and mother of a rising family, with a crowd of young 
immortals growing up around them, and teaching irre- 
ligion to their offspring, and leading them to perdition, 
by the power of their own example. A sheep leading 
her twin lambs into the covert of a hungry tiger, would 
be a shocking sight, but to see parents by their own 
irreligion, or want of religion, conducting their family 
to the bottomless pit, is most horrible ! ! No one, then, 
can rightly discharge the duties of a parent, in the 
higher reference of the family compact, without that 
personal religion, which consists in repentance to- 
wards God, faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, and a life 
of habitual holiness. In. the absence of this, the 
highest end of the domestic constitution must be neg- 
lected, the sublimest part of education must be aban- 
doned. 

Parents should seek the entire government of their 
temper : a habit of self-control ; a meekness not to be 
disturbed by the greatest provocation ; a patience not 
to be wearied by long continued opposition. I say to 
any father or mother, are you irritable, petulant ? If 
so, begin this moment the work of subjugating your 
temper. You are in imminent peril of ruining your 
family. A passionate mother or father, is Hke a fury 
with a sceptre in one hand, and a fire-brand in the 
other: and when the king is a fury, the subjects are 
likely to be furies too ; for nothing is more contagious 
than bad temper. O how many parents have had to 
bewail with weeping eyes, and almost broken hearts, 
the effects of their own irritability as apparent in the 
headstrong passionate dispositions of their children. 
It is against this evil that the admonition of the apos- 
tle is directed, "forbearing threatening." Passion 
blinds the judgement, leads to undue severity, fosters 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 87 

partialities, in short, is the source of a thousand evils 
in the domestic government. An irritable person can 
never manage discipline with propriety, but is ever 
prone to correct, when correction should never be 
administered, — in a rage. Parents, I beseech you to 
control your temper, and acquire a calm, imperturba- 
ble disposition, for this only can fit you to rule your 
household in wisdom, justice, and love. 

A habit of discrimination is a very important qualifi- 
cation in parents ; a penetrating insight into character ; 
an acuteness in judging of motives. Such a talent is 
of immense consequence in the domestic community ; 
and connected with this, a quickness of discerning 
disposition, together with an inventive and ingenious 
faculty of adapting treatment to the varieties of char- 
acter and propensity which are continually exhibiting 
themselves. 

A kindness of manner ; an affectionate, persuasive 
address, is of great importance. It is desirable for 
parents to render their company pleasant to their 
children, to engage their confidence, to exert over 
them the influence of love, which certainly cannot be 
done, by a cold, or churlish, or distant behavior. 

Prudence and good sense are qualities of such ines- 
timable worth, and depend so much upon education, 
that all who have the care of children, should perpet- 
ually exhibit them for imitation. A rash, thoughtless 
father, a wild romantic mother, do incalculable mis- 
chief in a family. 

Firmness is essentially requisite in parents ; that 
disposition, which though at the remotest distance 
from all that is rigid, stern, and cruel, can master its 
own feelings, and amidst the strongest appeals to the 
tenderer emotions of the mind, can inflexibly maintain 
its purpose ; and in the way of denying improper re- 
quests, or administering correction, can inflict pain on 
the object of its affection, whenever duty requires 
such an exercise of beneficial severity. For want of 
this disposition, of this fine and noble quality, how 
many have ruined their children for ever by indul- 
gence. 



88 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Varied information and extensive knowledge are 
very desirable. Parents should be able to direct the 
studies, to answer the inquiries, to correct the mis- 
takes, to assist the pursuits, and, in short, to superin- 
tend the general instruction of their families. 

Unvarying and inflexible consistency should be ex- 
hibited by all whom providence has placed at the head 
of a household. They should be not only excellent, 
bat consistently excellent. An unbroken uniformity 
should reign over their whole character. Nothing 
contradictory, inexplicable, irreconcilable, should ever 
be seen. 

Let all who are likely to become parents, look at 
this picture, and learn how they are to prepare for the 
performance of their duty ; and let those who already 
sustain this relationship, correct their errors and sup- 
ply their defects by this rule. 

4. Parents should settle with themselves what is 
their chief desire, and highest object of pursuit, in 
reference to their children. 

Without fixing on some end, we shall never, in any 
course of action, proceed with much steadiness, com- 
fort, or success : and where many ends are, and may 
be with propriety contemplated and sought, the chief 
one must be definitely selected, and continually kept 
in view, or we shall ever be in danger of misapplying 
our energies. Let parents then, consider the ends 
which they should propose to themselves, in reference 
to their children, and decide among all those that are 
lawful, which is supreme, and which are subordinate. 
There are many lawful ones, but only one of these 
can be supreme. And what is that ? Religion, 
What christian can for a moment hesitate here ? 
What genuine believer can for a moment question, 
whether his children's eternal salvation ought to be 
the supreme solicitude of his heart ? If we look to 
the great bulk of mankind, it is perfectly evident that 
religion hardly enters into their view ; they are very 
willing that their children should go to church or to 
meeting, according as they themselves are church 
people or dissenters ; but as to any anxiety about the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 89 



religious character, the formation of pious habits, they 
are as destitute of every thing of this kind, as if reli- 
gion were a mere fable, or were nothing more than a 
mere sabbath day form. Their chief object is, either 
elegant and fashionable accomplishments, or learning 
and science, or perhaps prudence and good sense : 
and provided their sons and daughters excel in these, 
they never make any inquiry, or feel any anxiety 
whether they fear God ; and would be not only sur- 
prised, but would either laugh you to scorn, or scowl 
upon you with indignation, for proposing such fanati- 
cal or methodistical questions in reference to their 
children. Yes, this is the way of the greater part of 
parents, even in this religious country. To train 
them up to shine and make a figure in society, is all 
they seek. Amazing folly ! Dreadful and murderous 
cruelty! Degrading and groveling ambition! To 
lose sight of the soul, and neglect salvation, and for- 
get immortality ! To, train them in every kind of 
knowledge, but the knowledge of religion ; to instruct 
them in an acquaintance with every kind of subject, 
but to leave them in ignorance of God their Creator, 
their Preserver and Benefactor ! To fit them to act 
their part well on earth, and to leave them unprepar- 
ed for heaven ! To qualify them to go with respecta- 
bility and advantage through the scenes of time, and 
then to leave them unmeet for the glorious and endur- 
ing scenes of eternity! O strange fondness of irreli- 
gious parents ! O miserable destiny of their hapless 
offspring ! 

In direct opposition to this, the chief end of every 
christian parent, must be the spiritual interests, the 
religious character, the eternal salvation of his child- 
ren. Believing that they are sinful and immortal 
creatures, yet capable of being redeemed through the 
mediation of Christ, his highest ambition, his most 
earnest prayer, his most vigorous pursuit should be 
engaged for their eternal welfare. His eye, his heart 
and his hope should be fixed on the same objects for 
them as they are for himself, and that is, upon eternal 
life. This should be the nature and exercise of his 
8* 



90 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



anxiety. "I am desirous, if it please God, that my 
children should be blessed with the enjoyment of rea- 
son, of health, of such a moderate portion of worldly 
wealth and worldly respectability as is compatible 
with their station in life : and, with a view to this, I 
will give them all the advantages of a suitable educa- 
tion : but, above and beyond this, I far more intensely 
desire and far more earnestly pray, and far more anx- 
iously seek, that they may have the fear of God in 
their hearts, be made partakers of true religion, and 
be everlastingly saved. And provided God grant me 
the latter, by bestowing upon them his grace, I shall 
feel that my chief object is accomplished, and be quite 
reconciled to any circumstances which may otherwise 
befal them ; for rather would I see them in the humble 
vale of poverty, if at the same time they were true 
christians, than on the very pinnacle of worldly gran- 
deur, but destitute of true piety." Such should be 
the views and feelings and desires of all christian pa- 
rents ; religion should be at the very centre of all their 
schemes and pursuits for their offspring. This should 
be the guiding principle, the directing object, the 
great land-mark by which all their course should be 
steered. 

Having made these preliminary remarks, I go on to 
enumerate and illustrate the various branches of pa- 
rental duty. 

First. There are some which relate more directly 

TO THE PPvESENT LIFE, AND THE FORMATION OF THE 
CHARACTER GENERALLY. 

1. Maintenance is of course a claim which every 
child justly prefers upon his parents, till he is of a suf- 
ficient age to be able to provide for himself. 

2. Scholastic instruction is another duty we owe our 
children. The dark ages are happily past away, and 
a flood of light is now poured, and is still pouring over 
all classes of the people. Instruction is become gen- 
eral, and even they who are too poor to buy knowl- 
edge for their children, are not ashamed to beg it in 
our Sunday and charity schools. No man should suf- 
fer his family to be, in this respect, behind the age in 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS* 91 

which they live. To grudge the money spent in this 
way, is a cruel and detestable niggardliness. A good 
education is a portion, the only one which some are 
able to give to their children, and which in many 
cases, has led to every other kind of wealth. In this, 
however, we are to be guided by our rank in life, and 
circumstances ; and for a laboring man or a small 
tradesman to impoverish himself in order to procure 
the same kind and degrees of accomplishment for his 
children, as a rich man and a nobleman would for 
theirs, is an ambition sanctioned neither by reason 
nor revelation. Where it can be accomplished, pa- 
rents should prefer domestic instruction, to sending 
their children away from home : no school can possess 
the advantages which are to be enjoyed under the eye 
of a judicious father or mother. But how few are ju- 
dicious : how few are equal to the task of a general 
superintendence of the business of instruction ; and 
how few can command the advantages of it at home. 
Let all such be careful in the selection of a school, 
for it is a matter of infinite consequence. Let them 
be guided in their choice, not by a mere regard to 
accomplishments ; not by a view to the best drawing, 
dancing, music, or latin master. This is an age of 
gaudy exterior decoration. But let them first regard 
religion, then, the real cultivation of the mind, and 
the formation of good habits. Wherever real piety 
is inculcated, a thirst for knowledge excited, and hab- 
its of application, reflection, sobriety of judgement, 
and good sense are formed, that is the school to be 
selected by a wise and christian parent. No word is 
more abused than that of education, which, in the 
mind of many, signifies nothing more than the com- 
munication of knowledge. But this is only a part, and 
a small part of education, which, in fact, means the 
formation of character. A youth may have his head 
stuffed full of latin, greek, mathematics, and natural 
philosophy ; a girl may draw, and dance, and play, and 
speak French exquisitely, and yet be miserably edu- 
cated after all. Integrity, good sense, generosity, and 
a capacity for reflection, are worth all the acquire- 



92 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ments which even a university can bestow. Not, 
however, that these are incompatible with each other ; 
by no means: and the perfection of education is the 
union of both. 

3. A due regard to the health of children should be 
maintained. 

Physical education is of no small importance. 
Knowledge gained at the expense of health, is pur- 
chased at a dreadful expense. And there are other 
ways of injuring the health of children, besides a too 
close application of learning, which does indeed, but 
rarely occur. Fond and foolish mothers should be 
warned against pampering their appetites with sweets, 
corrupting their blood with grossness, or impairing 
the tone of their stomachs with fermented liquors. 
Infanticide is practised, even in this christian land, by 
many who never dream that they are child murderers : 
they do not kill their babes by strangling or poisoning 
them ; no, but by pampering or stuffing them to death. 
And where they go not to this extreme, they breed up 
a circle of gluttons, or drunkards. Nothing can be 
more disgusting, than to see children invited to eat 
all the delicacies of the dinner, and to drink after it 
the health of the company, and with what their young 
palates ought to be strangers to. And lamentably in- 
judicious is it, to make the gratification of the appe- 
tite a reward for good conduct, and to have them 
ushered into the parlor before they retire to rest, to 
receive the luscious sweet, which is the bribe for their 
going quietly to bed. The mischief goes beyond the 
corruption of their health, for it brings them up to be 
governed by appetite, rather than by reason, which is, 
in fact, the secret cause of all the intemperance and 
profligacy of the world. Settle your plans on this 
subject, and suffer neither a favorite servant, nor a 
kind aunt, nor a doating grandpapa, to come between 
you and the welfare of your children. 

4. Bring up your children ivith low notions of the 
importance of riches, and worldly show, and of the 
power which these things have either to give respecta- 
bility to the character, or to procure happiness. 



A IfELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 93 



Do not let them hear you magnify the value of 
wealth by your words, nor see you do it by your ac- 
tions. Avoid an obsequious attention to the rich and 
great ; point not to them as the individuals most to be 
admired and envied. Discover no undue solicitude 
about grandeur of abode, or furniture. From the time 
that they are capable of receiving an idea, or an im- 
pression, teach them it is character that constitues 
true respectability : that a good man is reputable in 
any circumstances, a bad man in none. Remind them 
of the danger of riches, and that they are satan's baits 
to tempt men to love the world, and lose their souls. 
Not that you should produce a cynical disposition to- 
wards either riches or the rich ; much less repress in- 
dustry, and foster indolence : no ; but encourage them 
to consider and to seek wealth, rather as a means of 
usefulness, than a source of personal gratification. 

5. Inculcate industrious habits. 

Caution them against sauntering and slothfulness. 
From the dawn of reason, endeavor to convince them, 
not merely by argument, but by a reference to their 
own experience, that employment is pleasure, and 
idleness misery. Impress them with the value of 
time ; that it is the stuff of which life is made, and 
that we lose as much of life, as we do of time. And 
connected with this, enforce habits of order and punc- 
tuality. The parent that neglects to do this, is guilty 
of enormous unkindness towards his children; who, 
if they grow up without these, incommode themselves, 
and are a source of prodigious inconvenience to their 
friends. 

6. Economy is no less necessary. Industry and 
economy are virtues of civilized life. Savages never 
possess them, but spend their time in idleness, and 
squander what comes in their way in wastefulness. 
It is reason overcoming the vis inertise which is na- 
tural to man, that produces industry and economy ; 
and when we consider how important they are to the 
well being, not only of individuals, but of society, our 
efforts should be employed to foster them in the minds 
of our children. But in inculcating economy, we 



94 



THE FAMILY MONITOR *. OR 



must be careful not to drive the mind into covetous- 
ness ; hence it is of consequence, that with all our 
endeavors to cherish frugality, we should be no less 
assiduous to encourage generosity ; and to impress 
them with the idea, that the end of saving is not to 
hoard, but to distribute to the wants of others. 

7. Provide for your children suitable employment. 
Happily the pride and indolence of feudal times are 
gone by, and it is our felicity to live in a country 
where trade and industry are accounted honorable, 
and where the aristocracy softens down into the de- 
mocracy, by almost insensible degrees; where a poor, 
proud gentleman, that scorns the vulgarity of trade, 
begins to bethought a very despicable character; and 
the diligent, honest, and successful tradesman, re- 
garded as an honorable member of the community. 
" The good, sound common sense of mankind will 
never annex character to a useless life. He who 
merely hangs as a burden on the shoulders of his 
fellow men, who adds nothing to the common stock 
of comfort, and merely spends his time in devouring 
it, will be invariably, as well as justly, accounted a 
public nuisance." Let parents, therefore, take care to 
bring up their children to some suitable business ; in 
the selection of which, due regard should be had to 
their own circumstances, for it is great folly, and un- 
kindness also, to select for a child a business, so much 
above his father's station and property as to leave no 
rational hope that he can ever enter upon it with a 
prospect of success. In the advance of society we 
see innumerable instances of foolish pride of this kind ; 
and indeed it is a pretty general thing for parents to 
be ambitious to obtain for their children a higher 
grade in society than their own. Many, who have 
really acquired wealth in a reputable, though perhaps 
not the most genteel trade, (for trades have their 
aristocratic distinctions,) seem anxious that their sons 
should be a step higher than themselves, and instead 
of sending them to business, look out for a profession, 
and there is a wondrous rage for professions in the 
present day ; or if they are retail tradesmen, must 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 95 

make their sons wholesale ones ; or if they are manu- 
facturers, must start them as merchants ; and if they 
are merchants, must elevate them into gentlemen, 
What abject folly is it for a man to turn away the at- 
tention of his children from any good and honorable 
business, which he has followed with success, merely 
because it is not genteel. I believe that great harm 
has been done by an injudicious system of scholastic 
instruction,which has become too exclusively classical. 
Literature, when kept within due bounds, and properly 
united with mercantile branches, does not in itself 
unfit a youth for business, but it is considered as the 
acquirements of those who are intended to be profes- 
sional men, or gentlemen ; and when almost exclu- 
sively pursued to a late period in boyhood, it turns off 
the attention from business, and partially unfits for it. 
A very undue importance has been attached, in our 
schools, to polite literature ; to the neglect of science 
and commercial knowledge. Let every christian 
tradesman, who has a business worth following, keep 
as many of his sons as he can at home with him, and 
educate them himself for trade in his own ware- 
house. Due attention must of course always be paid 
in the selection of a business, to the physical strength, 
to the mental capacity, and to the pravailing taste of 
a child. 

7. Generosity should be most assiduously incul- 
cated. 

All children, and consequently all mankind, are 
more or less selfish by nature. This should be early 
watched and checked by a judicious parent, and an 
opposite disposition inculcated. Even infants may 
be made to feel the pleasure of sharing their posses- 
sions with others. Let them be taught that enjoyment 
arises not from individual gratification, but from a 
communion in pleasure. As children advance in 
years and reason, they should hear much of the hap- 
piness arising from gratifying others ; of the luxury 
of benevolence, and of the meanness of greediness. 
We should descant on the beauty of generous actions, 
and of beneficent examples. Anecdotes of remarka- 



96 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ble generosity should be read to them, and especially 
should we dwell upon the wondrous love of God, and 
the remarkable compassion of Jesus Christ. We 
should send them on errands of mercy to the poor and 
needy, that being spectators both of their misery, and 
of their tears of gratitude for relief, they might acquire 
a disposition to do good. We should especially en- 
courage them to make sacrifices, and to practise self- 
denial to do good. To give them extra money, in 
order that they may relieve the poor, or support reli- 
gious institutions, is doing them very little good ; for 
this is only being generous at other people's expense : 
but they should be induced to save their own pocket 
money, and distribute their regular allowance, and 
thus forego the gratification of their own palate, for 
the purpose of relieving the wants of others. But 
they should never be compelled to give, never have 
their money stopped for this purpose ; never be fined 
for misconduct, and have their fines appropriated to 
charity ; for all this is calculated to disgust them with 
benevolence. 

Great care should be taken, at the same time, not to 
induce a habit of indiscriminate distribution, which 
would render them the dupes of hypocrisy, the sub- 
jects of imposition, and the victims of extortion. We 
should teach them the difference between real benev- 
olence, and that easy good nature, which allows itself 
to be wheedled out of every thing ; between the 
generosity of a correct judgement, and that of a weak 
and credulous mind; between principle and mere 
feeling. 

8. Prudence is of vast consequence in the affairs of 
life. This is, next to piety, the most valuable quality 
of character. Nothing can be a substitute for it ; and 
it does more for the comfort of its possessor, more for 
the happiness of society, than any other attribute of 
mind that can be mentioned. Half the miseries of 
some persons' lives, who are good people too, arise 
from a rash, thoughtless, indiscreet mind. They 
never think before they speak or act : they have no 
power, or exercise none, of forethought, deliberation. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



97 



or calculation. Such persons are firebrands without 
intending it, and commit immense mischief, without, 
perhaps, a particle of malice. How important, then, 
that children should be early taught the nature and 
value of discretion. Many parents most egregiously 
err on this subject: some are anxious only to commu- 
nicate knowledge ; forgetting that ideas are worth 
nothing, but as they are discreetly employed to produce 
happiness. Knowledge has only the materials of com- 
fort ; it is wisdom that must put them together into 
form and consistency. Others almost despise pru- 
dence ; it is not a classical, a scientific, a poetic qual- 
ity. It cramps genius, extinguishes taste, prevents 
the lofty, though somewhat erratic flights of an ardent 
mind; it is cold and calculating; it has nothing sub- 
lime or romantic about it; it never soars into the 
clouds, or plunges into the depths, but holds on its 
dull course, on the low level of ordinary concerns. 
And therefore, just on this very account, it is the very 
thing that is to be coveted. Foolish, foolish crea- 
tures ! And so you would have your children ge- 
niuses, that disdain the restraints of wisdom; and 
resemble mere fire works, that burn and blaze out 
only to please others by their brilliancy and splen- 
dor, without doing good to any one ! O be not so 
cruel to yourselves, to your children, to society. 
Teach them to cultivate a deliberative, a reflecting, a 
calculating judgement; to weigh their words, and 
measure their actions ; enforce upon them a habit of 
looking onward to the tendency and results of con- 
duct ; the calm and regular government of the soul, 
which leads its possessor to observe true measures, 
and a suitable decorum in words, and thoughts, and 
actions. Give them all the learning you can procure 
for them ; I quarrel not with this : but in your own es- 
timation, and in all your conduct towards them, exalt 
wisdom far above learning, genius, taste, accomplish- 
ments ; and in this sense of the word, teach them that 
the price of wisdom is above rubies. 

Now I am anxious to impress upon the mind of all 
parents, that the inculcation of these dispositions, 
9 



98 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



forms, in fact, the very essence of education. This 
term, as I have already remarked, and I repeat the 
sentiment again and again, not by accident or over- 
sight, but with the design of more deeply impressing 
it, has been very generally misapplied, because, in 
fact, misunderstood. Education, in modern parlance, 
means nothing more than instruction, or the commu- 
nication of knowledge to the mind ; and a good edu- 
cation means, the opportunity of acquiring all kinds 
of learning, science, and what are called accomplish- 
ments. But properly speaking, education in the true 
and higher import of the term, means, the implanting 
of right dispositions, the cultivation of the heart, the 
guidance of the temper, the formation of the charac- 
ter. Or allowing, as we must, that education applies 
to the whole soul and character, and includes general 
instruction in knowledge, I should say that its most 
important part is that which relates to the communi- 
cation of active principles, and the formation of moral 
habits. It is training up a child in the way he 
should go. Not merely the training up a child in 
the way he should think, or speculate, or translate, or 
dance, or draw, or argue, but the way in which he 
should go. Every thing may be taught which can 
sharpen the faculties, or store the mind with ideas, or 
cultivate the taste; but we must not stop here, out 
consider that the highest end of education, is the for- 
mation, first of the religious character, and then of the 
useful, amiable, intelligent, and generous member of 
the social community. 

If this be true, and who will venture to deny it, then 
is it perfectly manifest, that the great work of educa- 
tion cannot be, and ought not to be, transferred from 
parents to others. They may purchase that tuition, 
which their own circumstances may disqualify them 
from imparting ; but the education of the character 
belongs to them, and cannot be transferred. Here 
I cannot resist the temptation of introducing a long 
extract from Mr. Anderson's incomparable work. 

" Placed by the all-wise providence of heaven in 
such a peculiar situation, it will be well for you to 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 99 

keep especially in view, what may be denominated, 
the education of circumstances. Let purchased 
tuition be carried up to the very highest perfection, 
and let neither money nor wisdom be spared in reach- 
ing this height; of such vital importance in the train- 
ing of children is that department to which I now 
refer, that it can, and if neglected will, undermine and 
undo the whole, as well as render many efforts in edu- 
cating the disposition altogether abortive. Suffer me 
to explain my meaning. 

"In the laudable anxiety of their hearts, two pa- 
rents, with a family of infants playing around their 
feet, are heard to say, 4 Oh ! what will, what can best 
educate these dear children ?' I reply, 6 Look to your- 
selves and your circumstances.'' Maxims and docu- 
ments are good in themselves, and especially good 
for the regulation of your conduct and your behavior 
towards them: but with regard to your children, you 
have yet often to remark, that many maxims are good, 
precisely till they are tried, or applied, and no longer. 
In the hands of many parents, they will teach the 
children to talk, and very often, little more. I do not 
mean to assert, that sentiments inculcated have no in- 
fluence ; far from it ; they have much ; though not the 
most : but still, after all, it is the sentiments you let 
drop occasionally, it is the conversation they overhear, 
when playing in the corner of the room, which has 
more effect than many things which are addressed to 
them directly in the tone of exhortation. Besides, as 
to maxims, ever remember, that between those which 
you bring forward for their use, and those by which 
you direct your own conduct, children have almost an 
intuitive discernment ; and it is by the latter they will 
be mainly governed, both during childhood and their 
future existence. 

" The question however returns, 4 What will edu- 
cate these children ?' And now I answer, ' Your 
example will educate them — your conversation with 
your friends — the business they see you transact — the 
likings and dislikings you express — these will educate 
them; the society you live in will educate them — 



100 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



your domestics will educate them : and whatever be 
your rank or situation in life, your house, your table,, 
and your daily behavior, these, these will educate 
them. To withdraw them from the unceasing and 
potent influence of these things is impossible, except 
you were to withdraw yourself from them also. Some 
parents talk of beginning the education of their child- 
ren ; the moment they were capable of forming an 
idea, their education was already begun — the educa- 
tion of circumstances — insensible education, which, 
like insensible perspiration, is of more constant and 
powerful effect, and of far more consequence to the 
habit, than that which is direct and apparent. This 
education goes on at every instant of time ; it goes on 
like time — you can neither stop it nor turn its course. 
Whatever these, then, have a tendency to make your 
children, that, in a great degree, you at least should 
be persuaded they will be.' 

" The language, however, occasionally heard from 
some fathers, may here not unseasonably be glanced 
at. They are diffuse in praise of maternal influence ; 
and pleased at the idea of its power and extent, they 
will exclaim, 4 O yes, there can be no doubt of it, that 
every thing depends upon the mother.' This, how- 
ever, will be found to spring from a selfish principle, 
and from anxiety to be relieved from mighty obliga- 
tions, which, after all, cannot be transferred from the 
father's shoulders, to those even of a mother : to say 
nothing of the unkindness involved in laying upon her 
a burden, which nature never intended, and never 
does. Her influence, as an instrument, indeed, a hus- 
band cannot too highly prize ; but let no father ima- 
gine, that he can neutralize the influence of his own 
presence, and his own example at home. He cannot, 
if he would, nor can he escape from obligation. The 
patience and constancy of a mother, are no doubt, 
first mainly tried, but then those of the father. The 
dispositions in each parent are fitted by nature for this 
order in the trial of patience ; but from the destined 
and appropriate share allotted to each, neither of the 
two parties, when in health, can relieve the other. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 101 



" Addressing myself, therefore, to both parents, I 
would say, 6 Contract to its just and proper dimensions, 
the amount of all that purchased education can do for 
you, and expect no more from it than it is truly able 
to perform. It can give instruction. There will al- 
ways be an essential difference between a human be- 
ing cultivated and uncultivated. In the department 
of purchased tuition, you will portion out to the best 
advantage, many of those precious hours of youth 
which never will return ; and such employment will 
lend you powerful aid in forming those personal hab- 
its, which lie within the province of parental educa- 
tion; but rest assured, and lay it down to yourselves 
as a cardinal principle, that the business of educa- 
tion, properly so called, is not transferable. You 
may engage a master or masters, as numerous as you 
please, to instruct your children in many things, use- 
ful and praiseworthy in their own place, but you must 
by the order of nature, educate them yourselves. You 
not only ought to do it, but you will perceive, if I am 
correct in what I have stated, and may still advance, 
you must do it, whether you intend it or not. 1 4 The 
parent,' says Cecil, ' is not to stand reasoning and cal- 
culating. God has said, that his character shall have 
influence : and so this appointment of Providence be- 
comes often the punishment of a wicked or a careless 
man.' As education, in the sense I have explained, 
is a thing necessary for all, — for the poor and for the 
rich, — for the illiterate as well as the learned, Provi- 
dence has not made it dependant on systems, uncer- 
tain, operose, and difficult of application. Every pa- 
rent, therefore, save when separated altogether from 
his family, may be seen daily in the act of educating his 
children ; for from father and mother, and the circum- 
stances in which they move, the children are daily 
advancing in the knowledge of what is good or evil. 
The occupations of the poor man at his labor, and of 
the man of business in his counting-house, cannot in- 
terrupt this education. In both instances, the mother 
is plying at her uninterrupted avocations, and her ex- 
ample is powerfully operating every hour ; while at 
9* 



102 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



certain intervals daily, as well as every morning and 
evening, all things come under the potent sway of 
the father or the master, whether that influence be 
good or bad. Here, then, is one school from which 
there are no truants, and in which there are no holi- 
days. 

" True, indeed, you send your children to another 
school, and this is the very best in the whole neigh- 
borhood, and the character of the master there, is not 
only unexceptionable, but praiseworthy. When your 
children come home too, you put a book of your own 
selection into their hands, or even many such books, 
and they read them with pleasure and personal advan- 
tage. Still, after all this, never for one day forget, 
that the first book they read, nay, that which they con- 
tinue to read, and by far the most influential, is that of 
their parents' example and daily deportment. If this 
should be disregarded by you, or even forgotten, then 
be not at all surprised when you find, another day, to 
your sorrow and vexation, and the interruption of your 
business, if not the loss of all your domestic peace and 
harmony, that your children only * know the right path, 
but still follow the wrong.' " 

Secondly. — But I now go on to illustrate and en- 
force those duties which parents owe to their children, 

IN REFERENCE TO THEIR RELIGIOUS CHARACTER, AND 
THEIR ETERNAL WELFARE. 

Not that religion is to be taught separately from all 
other branches of education, as an abstract thing of 
itself, for it is not an abstract thing of itself, but an 
integral part of the character, the substratum of all 
the qualities that have been already stated. " Bring 
them up in the fear and nurture and admonition of the 
Lord:" this is all the apostle enjoined on the subject 
of education, and it is the substance of all we are to 
teach : whatever is opposed to this must not be taught, 
and all that is taught or enjoined must be inculcated 
with a direct or indirect reference to this. In the se- 
lection of a school even for obtaining the elements of 
general knowledge, in the branches of tuition that he 
permits his children to be taught, a christian parent 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 103 

must have his eye upon religion, and this must be the 
polar star by which he steers. 

Still however, for the sake of making the matter 
more clear and obvious, as the subject of solemn obli- 
gation, I place religious education by itself : and it 
includes — 

1. Instruction. 

As soon as reason dawns, religious instruction 
should commence. The subject matter of instruction 
includes every thing which forms the fundamental 
points of revealed truth. The character of God, the 
spirituality of his law, the fall of man, the evil of sin, 
the person and work of Christ, the need of repentance, 
the justification of the soul by faith, the nature and 
necessity of regeneration, the operating power of love 
to Christ as the spring of obedience, the solemnities 
of judgement, the immortality of the soul, the punish- 
ment of the wicked, and the happiness of the righteous. 
All these should be familiarly taught according as the 
capacity is able to receive them. Our instruction 
should not be confined to mere generalities, but should 
proceed from the beginning, on evangelical principles. 
The basis of our teaching should be the Bible itself. 
Not that I would totally discard all catechisms. I do 
not see why definitions and explanations, — and what 
else are the answers in catechisms, — may not be as 
useful in religion, as in any other subject. Cate- 
chisms are injurious only when they push out the Bi- 
ble, not when they lead to it. Still I admit, that the 
Bible should be the text book. Every child should 
learn a portion of scripture daily, and have it explain- 
ed to him. A great prominency in all our instruction 
should be given to the law of God, as binding the con- 
science, and the consequent exceeding sinfulness of 
every human being ; together with the wonderful 
grace of the Lord Jesus Christ as the sinner's only 
Saviour. Much use should be made of the historical 
parts of scripture, as illustrating by its facts the cha- 
racter of God, the evil of sin, the consequences of 
disobedience. Abstract principles alone will not do. 
Children like facts, and must fie taught through the 



104 



THE FAMILY MONITOR *. OR 



medium of their imagination. Instruction must be 
conveyed in a pleasing form. In order to this, there 
must be no wearying them by long lectures ; no dis- 
gusting them by long tasks. I reprobate the practice, 
as a most injurious one, of setting a long lesson of 
catechism or scripture to a reluctant child, and then 
punishing him for not learning it. If we wish to dis- 
gust their minds with the ways of godliness, this is the 
way to do it. Many an injudicious parent, in the very 
act of teaching piety towards God, calls into existence 
and activity, the very tempers which it is the design 
of religion to suppress. An angry and scolding father, 
with a catechism in one hand, and a rod in the other, 
railing at a stubborn child for not learning his lesson, 
is not a scene very calculated to invest religion with 
an air of loveliness and a power of attraction for young 
minds : the only association which, in such a circum- 
stance, a child can be expected to form with learning 
to be pious, is that of a dark room or cane ; pain of 
body and insufferable disgust of mind. I would say 
to many a parent, " do give over the business of teach- 
ing religion till you can command your temper, and 
attract the child to the subject as that which is agree- 
able." JYever set religious tasks to your children, as 
penalties for bad conduct. To be made to learn cate- 
chism or scripture, in solitary confinement, and upon 
an empty stomach, and thus to connect imprisonment 
and fasting with the penance, is a sure way to finish 
the aversion, which the rod has commenced. Instead 
of compelling a child to learn religion, because he is 
naughty, which is reversing the order of things ; he 
ought not to be permitted to touch so holy a thing in 
so evil a temper. 

Instruction, to be valuable, must always be deliver- 
ed with great seriousness. The light and trifling way 
in which it is sometimes delivered, destroys all its ef- 
fect, and reduces it to the level of a mere science. It 
ought not to be exclusively confined to the Sabbath, 
but be the business of every day ; yet it should be 
especially attended to on the day of rest, when the 
family should be interrogated, as to what they under- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS, 



105 



stand and remember of the sermons they have heard 
in the house of Goo; Children cannot too early be 
made to comprehend the purpose for which they go up 
to public worship, and that they have a personal inter- 
est in all the sacred services of our religious assem- 
blies. No parent who has a numerous family, and 
who resides in a large town, where much time must 
necessarily be occupied in going to, and returning 
from his place of worship, should attend the house of 
God more than twice on the sabbath : the other part 
of the day should be occupied in the midst of his fa- 
mily. This is far too generally neglected in this day 
of over-much preaching. 

Instruction should be adapted to the capacity of the 
children, and keep pace, in depth and variety, with 
the strengthening of their faculties. Provide for them 
suitable books ; and, as they advance in age, enter 
with them more into the depths of theological truth ; 
unfold to them the beauty, the grandeur and sublimity 
of revelation; instruct them in the evidences of the 
Bible ; the proofs of its fundamental doctrines. I am 
not very fond of boys and girls writing religious 
themes, or conducting any researches of a religious 
nature, as a mere exercise of ingenuity, except their 
minds are already well disposed towards religion, as a 
matter of personal experience, 

2. Persuasion, admonition, and warning, are a 
very important part of religious education. 

The apostles, " knowing the terrors of the Lord," 
persuaded men ; they besought them to be reconciled 
to God ; and warned them of the consequences of un- 
belief. Parents must do the same with their children, 
and not satisfy themselves with merely communicat- 
ing ideas. They should, in the most earnest, anxious, 
affectionate manner, represent to them their spiritual 
condition, warn them of the consequences of neglect- 
ing the great salvation, and entreat them to believe in 
the Lord Jesus Christ, and fear God. They should 
address them collectively and individually, on the 
subject of their soul's concerns ; they should manifest 
such a deep solicitude for their spiritual welfare, as 



106 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



would constrain their children ^ feel, that the most 
anxious desire of their parents' near t, in reference to 
them, was for their salvation. This should not how- 
ever be done merely when their children have offend- 
ed them, nor should they, on every slight occasion of 
misconduct, have a ready recourse to the terrors of 
the Lord. Parental authority must not be supported 
exclusively by the thunders of heaven, or the torments 
of hell. 

These subjects should never be referred to, but in 
seasons of solemn and affectionate admonition. It 
would also be prudent not to be so frequent in the 
business of admonition, warning, and persuasion, as 
to excite nausea and disgust. Many good, but injudi- 
cious people, completely overdo the matter, and defeat 
their own purpose ; they worry their children on the 
subject of religion, and thus increase the aversion that 
is already felt. Nothing in the way of bitter reproach, 
or of railing accusation, for the want of piety, should 
ever be uttered ; nor should anger ever be manifest- 
ed. In the case of elder branches of the family, a 
word or two occasionally spoken, and always in great 
mildness and tenderness, is all that is desirable. In- 
cessant remonstrance, is in such instances, likely to 
be heard with indifference, if not with dislike. Such 
young people should be left pretty much to their own 
judgement and conscience, and to the force of pa- 
rental example. 

3. Discipline is unspeakably important. We have 
considered the father as the prophet of his family, we 
are now to view him as their king ; and his laws are 
as important as his instructions. By discipline then, 
I mean, the maintenance of parental authority, and 
the exercise of it, in the way of restraining and pun- 
ishing offences. Parents, you are invested by God 
himself with an almost absolute authority; you are 
constituted by him the supreme magistrate of your 
household, and cannot have a right idea of your situa- 
tion, without considering yourself as appointed to rule. 
You must be the sovereign of the house, allowing no 
interference from without, no resistance from within. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 107 



You have no option in the matter, and are not permit- 
ted to abdicate the throne, or cast away your sceptre. 
It was mentioned as a high commendation of Abra- 
ham, that he would command his children after him. 
But although you are to be absolute monarch, uniting 
in yourself the legislative and executive department, 
you are to be no tyrant. Your government must be 
firm, but mild : the love of the parent must not relax 
the reins of the governor, nor the authority of the 
governor diminish aught from the love of the parent. 
You must have a sceptre, and always hold it, but it 
must not be an iron one. You must never suffer the 
yoke to be thrown off from your children, but then it 
must be a yoke which they shall have no inclination 
to throw off, because it is easy, and the burden light. 
Of you in your measure, it should be said, as it is of 
God, 

" Sweet majesty, and awful love, 
Sit smiling on his brow." 

Your authority must be presented to your children 
as soon as reason is awake. The first thing a child 
should be made to understand, is that he is to do, not 
what he likes, but what he is commanded : that he is 
not to govern, but to be governed. The sceptre 
should be seen by him before the rod ; and an early, 
judicious, and steady exhibition of the former, would 
render the latter almost unnecessary. He must be 
made to submit, and that while young, and then sub- 
mission will become a habit : the reins must be felt 
by him early, and he will thus learn to obey them. 
All commands should be reasonable : there should be 
no wanton, capricious use of authority ; we must not 
thwart and cross the wills of our children merely to 
teach submission. They should perceive clearly that 
love is at the bottom of all we do, and that reason 
guides all our conduct. We should calculate before 
hand, whether there is a necessity for the injunction 
we are about to deliver, and a probability of our being 
able to ensure compliance ; for a wise parent will not 
enjoin any thing, if he can help it, that has not these 
circumstances connected with it. Commands should 



108 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



be sacred things, not issued in sport, for the child to 
play with. Nothing but what is wise should be en- 
joined, and every injunction that is issued should be 
obeyed. In many cases, it is beyond our power to 
ensure obedience : and then nothing remains but pun- 
ishment. 

Correction is an essential part of dicipline ; for re- 
wards and punishments are as necessary in the gov- 
ernment of a family, as in that of a state. What saith 
the wisest of men ? " Foolishness is bound up in the 
heart of a child, but the rod of correction will drive it 
far from him. Withhold not correction from the child ; 
for if thou beatest him with a rod, he shall not die. 
Thou shalt beat him with a rod, and shalt deliver his 
soul from hell. The rod and the roproof give wis- 
dom : but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to 
shame." Do not many mothers know this by bitter 
experience ? Even in lesser matters, have they not a 
thousand times blushed at the rudeness, ill manners, 
and impertinence of children "left to themselves:" 
and in greater matters, have they not lived to vent the 
heaviest reproaches upon their most abject folly, in 
spoiling their children by leaving them to their own 
obstinate tempers, self will, and rebellious conduct, 
without ever correcting them : "correct thy son, and 
he shall give thee rest ; yea, he shall give thee the 
delight of thy soul." Inimitably beautiful precept; 
and as true as it is beautiful. " He that spareth the 
rod, hateth his son." How many are there who thus 
hate their children ? a very strong expression, I admit: 
and yet these very persons would be thought the 
fondest of parents. Would you suffer your children's 
bodies to perish, rather than put them to pain in eradi- 
cating a disease, which, if suffered to remain, would be 
fatal ? Would not this be hating them ? And what 
do you call that conduct, which, rather than put them 
to pain by correcting their faults, suffers all kinds of 
moral diseases to increase, and fester, and corrupt the 
soul ? Fond mother, you that will never correct a 
child, hear the charge, and let it thrill through your 
heart, exciting emotions of horror— you are a hater of 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



109 



your child ; your foolish love is infanticide ; your cruel 
embraces are hugging your child to death. In not 
correcting him, you are committing sin of the heaviest 
kind, and your own wickedness in not correcting him, 
will at last correct yourself. 

I would not, however, be thought to enjoin a cruel 
or even a stern and rigid severity. I do not think 
this compatible with the admonition given by the 
Apostle, not to irritate, nor " provoke our children to 
wrath, lest they be discouraged." We must not gov- 
em by punishment : the sceptre must not be converted 
into a whip. The first object of every parent should 
be to render punishment unnecessary. It is better to 
prevent crimes than punish them. This can be done, 
certainly, to a very considerable extent, but it requires 
a very early, very judicious, and very watchful system 
of training. Many have very little, of what may be 
called, the faculty of government ; and late coercion 
and punishment come in to supply the place of early 
guidance. The only time is suffered to go by without 
being improved, in which it is possible, in most cases, 
so to train the disposition, as to do in future without 
much punishment ; for if discipline, wise, steady, firm 
discipline, do not commence as soon as the passions 
begin to develope, it is too late then to be accomplish- 
ed without some degree of severity. 

Mr. Anderson strikingly illustrates this part of the 
subject, by a very familiar allusion : " I recollect hear- 
ing of two coaches which used to drive into New- 
market from London, by a certain hour, at a time of 
strong competition. The horses of the coach which 
generally came in first, had scarcely a wet hair. In 
the other, though last, the horses were jaded and 
heated to excess, and had the appearance of having 
made great efforts. The reader perhaps, understands 
the cause of the difference. The first man did it all 
1 of course, by the reins: the second, unsteady in him- 
;■ self, or unskilful in the reins, had induced bad habits, 
and then employed the whip ; but he could never cope 
with the other. So it will ever hold in all govern- 
: ment. If obedience to the reins is found to be most 
10 



110 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



pleasant in itself, and even the road to enjoyment, then 
obedience will grow into a habit and become, in fact, 
the choice of the party." 

This, then, is the first thing to be attended to, ac- 
quire skill in the management of the reins ; govern 
by guiding, not by forcing. But still, there are many, 
very many cases, in which the reins alone will not 
prove to be enough ; the whip is wanted, and where 
it is wanted, it ought to be supplied. Not that I mean 
to enforce a system of corporeal punishment ; no : this 
may be necessary occasionally, as an experiment in 
difficult cases, but as a system it is bad and unavailing, 
and is usually the resource of passionate, ignorant, or 
indolent parents and masters. We should from the 
dawn of reason, endeavor to make our children feel, 
that our favor is their richest reward for good conduct, 
our displeasure the severest rebuke for misbehavior. 
Happy the parent, who has attained to such skill in 
government, as to guide with a look, to reward with a 
smile, and to punish with a frown. 

Occasions, I admit, sometimes do occur, and not 
unfrequently, in which the interposition of a severer 
chastisement becomes necessary; and these are the 
emergencies which require the full stretch of parental 
wisdom. Take the following rules for your guidance. 
— Never chastise in a state of wrath. Some parents 
can never punish, except when it ought never to be 
done, — when they are angry. This is passion, not 
principle ; and will always appear to the child as if it 
were intended, more to appease and gratify the pa- 
rent's bad temper, than to promote his welfare. No 
parent, in such a state of mind, can be in a condition 
nicely to adjust the kind and degree of punishment to 
the offence ; it is like administering medicine scald- 
ing hot, which rather burns than cures. God waited 
till the cool of the evening, before he came down 
to arraign, try, and punish our first parents after 
their fall. 

Patiently examine the offence before you punish it. 
In every case, let there be the solemnity of judicial 
investigation ; for justice always should proceed with 



I 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. Ill 

a slow and measured step. Accurately discriminate 
between sins of presumption, and sins of ignorance or 
inadvertence. Accidents should be reproved, but not 
punished, unless they involve wilful disobedience. 
Most wisely and equitably apportion the sentence to 
the degree of offence and the disposition of the of- 
fender. Ingenuous confession, and sincere penitence, 
should in most cases arrest the process of judgement, 
and the child be made to punish himself by remorse. 
Satisfy not yourselves till you have produced repent- 
ance, for till you have done this, scarcely any thing 
is done. Hatred of the sin on the part of the offender, 
is a much more effectual preservative from its repeti- 
tion, than fear of punishment. Do not keep instru- 
ments of punishment, such as the rod or the cane, 
constantly in sight, for this is to govern by fear, rather 
than by love. Be very cautious not to threaten what 
you either do not intend, or are not able to inflict ; 
yea, forbear threatening as much as possible. A pa- 
rent's denouncement should not be hastily uttered for 
children to laugh at. In the case of older children, 
the greatest caution is necessary, in expressing a 
parent's displeasure : reasonable expostulation, mild 
rebuke, tender reproof, appeals to their understanding 
and feelings and conscience, are all that can be al- 
lowed in this instance. If beating ever do good, it is 
only in infancy, before the understanding can be made 
sufficiently to argue upon the heinousness of the of- 
fence : afterwards it can only provoke and harden. 
Through the whole course of discipline and govern- 
ment, let parents ever remember, that their children 
are rational creatures, and are to be dealt with as 
such, by having the grounds of obligation kid open to 
them, the criminality of disobedience explained, and 
the evils of insubordination laid before them. To a 
parent storming or fretting over the inefficacy of 
punishment, I would say, "Have you treated that 
child as a brute, or a rational creature ? Have you 
taken pains with him from infancy, to make him un- 
derstand his obligations, and to comprehend the crimi- 
nality of disobedience ; or have you governed him by 



112 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



threatening and beating ?" I again say, that where 
necessary punishment is withheld, it is a hating of 
the child ; but the great object should be to render 
punishment unnecessary. Put the reins of guidance 
upon the disposition while your children are infants, 
and acquire great skill in these : and if you manage 
the reins well, you will have less need of the whip. 

It is of vast consequence, that parents should be 
very careful not to foster, by injudicious treatment, 
those very propensities, which, when more fully de- 
veloped, they will find it necessary to repress by dis- 
cipline. Do not encourage lying and ill nature, by 
smiling at a false or malignant expression, because it 
is cleverly said. Nor nourish pride by excessive flat- 
tery of commendation. Nor vanity, by loading them 
with finery, and both admiring them, and teaching 
them to admire themselves. Nor revenge, by direct- 
ing them to vent their impotent anger upon the per- 
sons or things that have injured them. Nor cruelty, 
by permitting them to torture insects or animals. Nor 
insolence and oppression, by allowing them to be 
rude to servants. Nor envy, by stimulating too pow- 
erfully the principle of emulation. Infinite mischief 
is done by thus thoughtlessly encouraging the growth 
of many of the germs of vice. 

Discipline, to be effectual, should be steady and 
unvarying, not fitful and capricious: it must be a 
system which, like the atmosphere, shall press always 
and every where upon its subjects. Occasional fits 
of severity, however violent, but which are followed 
by long intermissions of relaxing indulgence, can do 
no good, and may do much harm. Each extreme is 
mischievous, and each prepares for the mischief of 
the other. Both parents should join to support do- 
mestic authority ; for a more truly distressing and in- 
jurious spectacle can scarcely be seen in the family 
circle, than a fond and foolish mother, counteracting 
the effects of paternal chastisement, by stealing to the 
little prisoner in his captivity, to comfort him in his 
distress, to wipe away his tears, and to hush his sor- 
rows, by some gratification of his palate. In this way 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



113 



children have been sometimes hardened in their 
crimes, set against their father, and led to ultimate 
and irretrievable ruin. 

Wonder not that I have placed discipline under the 
head of religious education ; for, is it not the object of 
domestic government to bend, as far as means can do 
it, the will of a child into submission to the authority 
of a wise and holy parent ? And what is sin against 
God, but the resistance of a weaker will against that 
which is supreme and divine ? Now surely it may be 
conceived to be in the order of God's appointed means 
of bringing the child into subjection to himself, to 
bring him first into subjection to his parents. Can 
any one be in a state of mind more hardened against 
religion, more opposed to all its just and salutary re- 
straints, than he who rejects the mild yoke of parental 
government, and sets at defiance the authority of a 
father? Obedience to parents is one of the laws of 
heaven, and the first of all its laws, which the mind of 
an infant can be made to understand ; and if parents 
enforce it, as they should do, with a direct reference 
to the appointment of God, they are certainly taking 
a preliminary step, so far as means can be employed, 
for the formation of the religious character. 

4. Example is necessary to give power and influ- 
ence to all other means. 

One of the tritest of all proverbs, is the power of 
example ; but its force is greatest upon the youthful 
mind : " during the minority of reason, imitation is the 
regent of the soul, and they who are least swayed by 
argument, are most governed by example." We all 
learn of this preceptor, before we can reason, yea, be- 
fore we can speak. If then we would have our child- 
ren live in the fear of God, we must ourselves be seen 
by them, steadily walking in the way of his command- 
ments. In alluring them to religion, we must be 
enabled to say, " Follow me." Our religion should 
not only be upon the whole sincere, but it should be 
visible : our light should shine before our family, that 
they, seeing our good works, might glorify God. But 
for our religion to produce any effect, it must be emi- 



114 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



nent: there must be no doubt, no uncertainty about 
the matter ; it must not be a thing of a questionable 
nature. It should be consistent. I remember once 
conversing with a man of great eminence for station, 
talents, and piety, who said to me : " I owe every 
thing, under God, to the eminent and consistent piety 
of my father. When I was a young man, though I 
was not vicious, I was worldly ; and in order the more 
effectually to get rid of all interference with my 
pursuits, from religion, I wished to think it all mere 
profession and hypocrisy. For this purpose, I most 
narrowly watched the conduct of my father ; for such 
was the height on which he stood as a professor of 
religion, that I very naturally concluded, if I could 
convict him of such inconsistency as amounted to a 
proof of hypocrisy, — and a little thing would at that 
time have sufficed for such a purpose, — I should have 
gained my end, and have concluded that all piety was 
but a name and a delusion. But so thoroughly con- 
sistent was he, that I could find nothing in the smallest 
degree at variance with his character as a professor 
of religion. This kept its hold upon me. I said to 
myself, there must be a reality here, and I must try to 
understand and feel it ; for I have seen such meekness 
in a temper naturally irritable, such comfort amidst 
the greatest agonies, and all this supported by such 
uniform devotion, that I must try to catch his spirit." 
This beautiful instance of the influence of parental 
example, is, perhaps, not altogether unique, though in 
all its circumstances, perhaps rarely equalled. 

Children have their eyes always upon their parents, 
and are quick to discern any violations of consistency. 
If, notwithstanding our profession of religion, they see 
us as worldly minded, as grasping and anxious after 
riches, as solicitous to be surrounded by splendid fur- 
niture, luxurious gratifications, and fashionable habits, 
as the people of the world ; — if they see the righteous 
rarely at our table, except when they are great people, 
or popular characters, but observe there the gay, the 
fashionable, the ungodly ; — if they witness us artful, 
implacable or malicious ; — if they know us to be cruel 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 115 

or neglectful to our wives, unkind and oppressive to 
our servants, cold and tyrannical to them; — if they 
witness us inconstant in our attendance upon private, 
family, or public worship — what can they conclude, 
but that our religion is mere profession ? In such a 
case, of how little service is our attempt to impress 
upon their minds those claims, which we ourselves 
practically deny ? It were far better for some parents 
to say nothing to their children about religion, for, till 
they alter their own conduct, their admonitions can 
produce no other effect, than to excite insufferable 
disgust. It is enough to make every parent tremble, 
to think what a parent should be. 

And there should be consistency also, between our 
professions, and our conduct in reference to our fami- 
lies. We avow it to be our supreme and ultimate 
desire, that they should be truly pious; and we tell 
them so. Do we in all things act agreeably to this 
principle ? Do we select schools and situations ; 
books and companions ; pursuits and occupations, in 
reference to this desire ? Do we in our general con- 
versation with them, and before them, support this 
declaration ? Do not our children sometimes reason 
thus ? — " My parents tell me, that their chief anxiety 
is for my salvation, and the formation of my religious 
character ; but how does this comport with their se- 
lecting for me a school where religion is the last thing 
attended to ? With their instructing me in some 
things, which, as religious people, I hear them con- 
demn ? How is it, that all the anxiety of their con- 
duct, whatever their words may say, appears to be, to 
make me a fine lady, that can dance well, and exhibit 
an elegant form, and display polished manners ? I 
am told that religion is the first thing, but I am edu 
cated for the world." Ah, if we act thus, we are not 
training up our children in the way they should go. 
Without example, every thing else that we do, is most 
lamentably deficient : as has been often said, it is only 
pointing them the way to heaven, but leading them in 
the way to hell. 

5. Diligent, constant, and careful inspection, 
is a most important parental duty. 



116 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



There should be in every family, a system of do- 
mestic episcopacy. Parents should be watchful in all 
things. This is the way to preserve the good seed of 
instruction which is sown, and to prevent the enemy 
from sowing tares, which he is ever wakeful to do 
when the parent is asleep. This is a very difficult, 
but a very necessary duty. We must never allow any 
engagements whatever, to take off, long together, our 
eye from our children. As soon as their character 
begins to unfold, we should most carefully watch its 
developement, that we may know what regimen to 
place it under. We should study their propensities, 
capacities and tendencies. We should watch them in 
play, in their intercourse with each other, with serv- 
ants, with their companions, and when they are not 
dreaming that our attention is directed towards them : 
for character is decided by incidents, which a superfi- 
cial mind would deem too minute to be noticed. We 
should see how they behave after punishment and 
reward: in short, their whole character should be 
studied and inspected by us with the most minute and 
anxious care ; just as the different plants in a nursery 
are investigated by a gardener, that he may know the 
peculiar nature which each possesses, and the appro- 
priate treatment which each requires. 

We should also inspect our family, so as to know 
what good or evil is going on among them ; whether 
the good seed is growing, and what tares are spring- 
ing up. Like the farmer going out to inspect his 
fields, ,or the gardener his trees, to ascertain what 
prospect there is of a crop, and what weeds are to be 
eradicated, what vermin to be destroyed, what gaps to 
be stopped to keep out enemies, what excrescences 
to be removed, what assistance to be afforded ; so 
must the parent be and act among his children. One 
is growing up with a propensity to pride, he must be 
taught with great care, the beauty and excellence of 
humility; a second is vain of personal decorations 
and acquirements, she must have such fully exposed, 
and be saved from its injurious influence upon her 
character ; a third is artful, equivocating and deceit- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 117 



ful, he must have the enormity of lying unfolded to 
him, and be encouraged to practice more frankness, 
ingenuousness, and regard to truth ; one is remarka- 
bly curious, and needs to have this inquisitiveness 
checked; another dull, and needs to have it stimu- 
lated ; one is skeptical, and is in danger of infidelity; 
another credulous, and is in peril of imposition. Now 
there must be a constant scrutiny carried on by the 
parent, to ascertain these peculiarities, and manage 
them accordingly. 

Inspection must extend to every thing. To the 
servants that are admitted into the house ; for how 
much injury might be done to the youthful mind, by 
an unprincipled and artful servant. The companions 
of our children should be most narrowly watched : one 
bad associate may ruin them for ever. The very first 
workings of the social impulse, even in a boy or girl 
of five or six years of age, should be noticed; for 
even thus early may evil impressions be produced by 
companionship. At the risk of offending the nearest 
relative, or most endeared friend he has upon earth, a 
christian parent ought not to suffer his children to as- 
sociate with those, who are likely to do them harm. 
On this account, domestic education is decidedly to 
be preferred, where it can be obtained, to schools. A 
system of extensive and dreadful mutual corruption is 
oftentimes going on among young people, before it is 
perceived. 

Parents should most carefully inspect the reading 
of their children, and keep out of their way all corrupt- 
ing books, and indecent pictures. And how deeply 
is it to be deplored, that our newspapers are often- 
times so polluted with filthy details of disgusting oc- 
currences and trials, as to be channels through which 
moral contamination flows into many a family, other- 
wise well guarded. It becomes a serious question, 
whether it is the duty of a christian, who has sons and 
daughters growing up, to allow a newspaper to come 
into his house. Newsrooms, on this account, are to 
be decidedly preferred. 

The recreations of children should be watched, and 



118 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



no games be allowed that are immodest, or likely to 
foster a spirit of gambling. 

For want of this diligent, careful, and universal in- 
spection, the best instructions, the most earnest warn- 
ings, the most fervent prayer, and the most consistent 
example, have been in some cases, unavailing; and 
the children left to themselves, and to the corrupting 
influence of others, have grown up, their parents' 
misery, and their own disgrace. 

6. Prayer must crown all. 

This duty commences with the birth of a child, nay, 
before that event ; for in the very prospect of its birth, 
there should be earnest prayer offered to God by the 
parent, for divine grace to discharge all those obliga- 
tions, which the expected babe will bring upon the 
conscience of the father and mother. And from that 
time forward till the death of either parent or child, 
earnest, secret, believing prayer, should never cease 
to be daily presented for our offspring. Our prayers 
should principally respect the spiritual welfare of our 
children. Daily we should wrestle with God for their 
eternal salvation. How little can ive do at most for 
their welfare, and how ineffectual without God's bles- 
sing, is all we do, or can do. That parent has neg- 
lected a very important branch of his duty, who has 
suffered one single day to pass by, without bearing 
his children upon his heart before God in private 
prayer. Who can subdue their tempers, or change 
their hearts, but God ? And though in a way of sove- 
reignty, he confers his grace upon some who neither 
seek it themselves, nor have it sought for them by 
their friends, yet we are not authorised to expect it 
without prayer. 

It is necessary, also, not only to pray for our child- 
ren, but with them. We should take them apart each 
by himself to commend them to God, and thus make 
them the witnesses of our deep solicitude, and our in- 
tense agony for their eternal welfare. If they have 
been disobedient and wicked, it may be well, when 
they are brought to a right mind, and when we our- 
selves have forgiven them, to conduct them to the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



119 



throne of divine grace, to beg for them the divine 
forgiveness : but this must never be done as a punish- 
ment, for this is the way to make them dread a pa- 
rent's prayers, as a visitation of his displeasure. 

But besides this, there must be family prater. 

The necessity and propriety of this, arise out of 
the constitution of the family ; and were it not en- 
joined in the word of God, either by precept or ex- 
ample, would still be binding upon the conscience of 
every parent, by the relation in which he stands to his 
family, and the extent of their dependance upon God. 
Do we not want family mercies ; and who can give 
them but God ? So obviously obligatory is this duty, 
and so naturally does its performance arise out of all 
our conjoint feelings as parents and as christians, that 
those who neglect it, cannot even pretend to feel the 
right influence of godliness. 

No duty, however, has been more abused than this. 
By some it is only occasionally performed ; it is taken 
up perhaps in times of domestic distress or solicitude ; 
by others it is attended to on a sabbath evening ; and 
by many, very many others it is, though regularly 
observed, nothing but a mere lifeless form, and thus 
felt not only to be insipid but a mere burden. The 
following directions may be of service to guide the 
heads of families in this most interesting branch of 
domestic duty. 

1. It should be offered up morning and evening; 
thus beginning and closing every day. 

2. It should be observed with the greatest regu- 
larity, and an uninterrupted constancy. What a dis- 
grace to a parent is it, for a child or a servant to say, 
" are we to have prayer this evening ?" And yet, are 
there not some families in which the practice is so 
irregular, as to leave the matter doubtful, till the bell 
rings ? 

3. All the members of the family should be present, 
except very young children, who cannot be made to 
sit still, and whose inquietude and restlessness are a 
disturbance to all the rest, and utterly destroy the so- 
lemnity of the service. 



120 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



4. It should be attended to so early in the morning' 
as not to subject the service to the intrusion and in- 
terruption of visitors and secular business ; and so 
early in the evening", as not to be rendered the mere 
form of a drowsy circle who ought at that time to be 
in bed. It is an offence to the Almighty, to conduct 
a family into his awful presence, merely to sleep there. 

5. There should be a fixed hour, and the hour 
should be most sacredly kept, and not be interfered 
with, except at the dictate of necessity. In order to 
this, the heads of families should not sup from home, 
nor yield to the modern practice of late visiting. The 
fashionable hours of ten or eleven o'clock at night, are 
driving out evening prayer, and the eagerness of com- 
mercial pursuits, putting a stop, in many families, to 
the morning sacrifice. 

6. A portion of holy scripture should be read, from 
the Old Testament, one part of the day, and from the 
New Testament, the other. A book should be read 
through in regular course, and not a chapter picked 
out, or stumbled upon by accident. The scriptures 
should be audibly read, and in a reverential manner, 
and with a devotional spirit, for very great evils result 
from reading the scriptures in a careless, slovenly, 
and irreverent manner. It would be well for the pa- 
rent to require the children and servants to bring 
their bibles with them, that the eye may help the ear, 
in fixing the attention of the mind. The domestic 
prophet should also accompany what he reads with 
short explanatory and hortatory remarks of his own, 
or the expository comments of others. 

7. When there are persons in the family that can 
sing, family praise should ascend to heaven. The 
morning or evening hymn of a pious family, is one of 
the most touching sounds in our world. 

" Lord, how delightful 'tis to see, 
A pious household worship thee, 
At once they sing, at once they pray, 
They hear of heav'n, and learn the way." 

8. Then follows the prayer, which should be not so 
long as to weary, nor so short as to seem like a mere 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 121 



form: it should be fervent, for a dull, cold, heartless 
repetition of almost the same things in almost the 
same words, is sure to destroy all the interest of this 
delightful service, and to render it a mere form, which 
wearies and burdens, if it do not also disgust. How 
difficult is it to keep up the life and vigor of this en- 
gagement! And why ? Because we do not keep up 
the life and vigor of our own personal religion. It is 
worth while to remark, that the habit of reverential 
reading the scriptures tends to feed the flame of devo- 
tion, and to kindle the fire of the sacrifice of prayer. 
The prayer of the head of a family, should be in a 
very peculiar degree family prayer. It should respect 
the children, the servants, the circumstances of the 
household. All should feel that the service belongs 
to them, and not merely to the individual who prays, 
or to the church and the world. But fervor, and life, 
and earnestness, as opposed to what is dull and for- 
mal, is of immense consequence. A few petitions 
breathed forth with a fervor that kindles the fire of 
devotion in all around, are far better than half an 
hour's talking about religion to God. 

Oh ! vith what dignity, and grace, and sanctity, and 
authority, does a holy and fervent father rise from his 
knees, and take his seat in the midst of his family, 
while yet the rays of divine glory play upon his coun- 
tenance. " Children," says Dr. Dwight, " naturally 
regard a parent with reverence ; but they cannot fail 
to reverence him more or less, on account of his per- 
sonal character. Wherever they have been accus- 
tomed to behold their parent daily sustaining the office 
of minister or servant of God, they necessarily associ- 
ate with every idea they form of his person and charac- 
ter, this solemn and important apprehension. Every 
image of this venerable relation presented to their 
minds, will include in it, thattof a divinely appointed 
guardian of their spiritual concerns ; a guide to their 
duty, given them from above ; a venerated and belov- 
ed intercessor for their salvation." And the same 
writer, in speaking of family worship, says, " In the 
devotion «of this little assembly, parents pray for their 



122 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



children, and children for their parents ; the husband 
for the wife, and the wife for the husband ; while broth- 
ers and sisters send up their requests to the throne of 
Infinite Mercy, to call down blessings on each other. 
Who that wears the name of a man can be indifferent 
here ? Must not the venerable character of the pa- 
rent, the peculiar tenderness of the conjugal union, the 
affectionate intimacy of the filial and fraternal rela- 
tions ; must not the nearness of relations long existing, 
the interchange of kindness long continued, and the 
oneness of interests long cemented, — all warm the 
heart, heighten the importance of every petition, and 
increase the fervor of every devotional BfTort." 

It may now be proper to inquire, how it comes to 
pass that such a system as this is so often unsuccess- 
ful ? For it may, with very great propriety, because 
with truth, be affirmed, that the families of professors,, 
are not always, as might be expected, the nurseries of 
the church. It is not enough to resolve the matter 
into the sovereignty of divine grace, till we have in- 
quired, whether any thing can be found in the conduct 
of parents, which can be said with truth, to account 
for the painful fact of irreligious children, being found 
in religious families. 

Have parents really adopted and pursued a judicious 
system of religious education ? Can it be said, that 
means, such as I have directed, or any thing at all like 
them, have been regularly pursued ? Has there been 
a deep, a constant solicitude for the eternal welfare 
of their children ? 

In the introduction of my volume, entitled, " The 
Christian Father's Present to his Children," I have 
stated the obstacles which often prevent the success 
of a religious education, and have enumerated the 
following : — 

1. Religious education is oftentimes very ignorant- 
ly, negligently, and capriciously maintained ; where 
it is not altogether omitted. It is not a first object, it 
is attended to with no earnestness, no anxiety, no 
system, no regularity. It does not run through every 
thing, and is opposed by many things at variance with 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



123 



it. The parents' eye and heart are more intently fixed 
upon the worldly prosperity and respectability of the 
children, than on their religious character. 

2. The relaxation of domestic discipline is a powerful 
impediment in the way of success. There is, in some 
households, no family government, no order, no sub- 
ordination. The children are kept under no restraint, 
but are allowed to do what they like ; their faults are 
unnoticed and unpunished, and their tempers allowed 
to grow wild and headstrong, till in fact, the whole 
family become utterly lawless, rebellious against pa- 
rental authority, and unamiable to all around them. 
How many have had to curse the over indulgence of 
fond and foolish parents. How many, as they have 
ruminated amidst the desolations of poverty, or the 
walls of a prison, have exclaimed, " O, my cruelly fond 
parents, had you exercised that authority with which 
God entrusted you, over your children, and had you 
checked my childish corruptions, and punished my 
boyish disobedience ; had you subjected me to the 
salutary restraint of wholesome laws, I had not brought 
you with a broken heart to your grave, nor myself with 
a ruined- character to a jail." 

Over indulgence is awfully common, and continu- 
ally making shocking ravages in human character. It 
is a system of great cruelty to the children, to the pa- 
rents themselves, and to society. This practice pro- 
ceeds from various causes ; in some instances, from a 
perverted and systematic sentimentalism ; in others, 
from absolute indolence, and a regard to present ease, 
which leads the silly mother to adopt any means of 
coaxing, and yielding, and bribing, to keep the young 
rebels quiet for the time ; in others, from a mistake as 
to the time when restraint should begin, or a spirit of 
procrastination, which leads parents to say, " I shall 
take them in hand by and by : there is no time lost ; 
when their reason is a little more matured, I shall lay 
upon them more restraint and in some it is " mere 
animal affection," without the guidance of a particle 
of judgement, a mere instinct, like that which in the 
irrational tribes, leads to a blind and busy affection. 



124 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



It is not uncommon for parents to treat the first acts 
of puerile rebellion, rather as freaks to be smiled at, 
than as faults to be reformed. " O," says the mother, 
" it is only play, he will know better soon. He does 
not mean any harm. I cannot chide him." No ; and 
if the father, wiser than herself, does, she cries, and 
perhaps, in the hearing of the child, reproves her hus- 
band for cruelty. From whatever cause it proceeds, 
it is in the highest degree injurious to the character 
of the children ; let those who are guilty of it read 
the fearful comment on this sin, which is furnished 
for their warning, in the history of Eli and his family. 

3. Undue severity, is perhaps, more injurious than 
over indulgence ; and it is, perhaps, a conviction of 
this, and an observation of the mischievous conse- 
quences of extreme rigor, that has driven many into 
the opposite extreme. I have seen the dreadful ef- 
fects of parental tyranny, and the reign of household 
terror, in the broken spirits, the reckless desperation, 
the hardened contumacy, or the deep and sullen me- 
lancholy of those who have been the subjects of these 
hard measures. It is a truly revolting sight to see a 
father employing the iron rod of the oppressor to beat, 
and bruise, and crush the minds of his own offspring 
into the most abject submission. He may succeed, 
but let him not wonder, if at the same time that he 
has suppressed rebellion, he has extinguished affec- 
tion. I have known parents, who, too late have seen 
their error, and who would give the world, did they 
possess it, if it were possible to do away the ill effects 
which their severity had produced in the character of 
their children : but the mischief was irreparable. No 
subsequent kindness could expand the heart, which 
they had closed for ever against them, or win that 
confidence which they had repulsed from them. A 
close, sullen, melancholy disposition had been nurtur- 
ed: a susceptibility to the emotions of wretchedness 
had been planted in the bosom, which no future ten- 
derness on the part of the parent could remove. He 
saw it, and repented it, but could not alter it. " Ye 
fathers, provoke not then, your children, to anger, lest 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 125 



they should be discouraged" This language is really 
very striking, and well deserves the serious attention 
of every parent. 

4. The inconsistent conduct of parents who are pro- 
fessors of religion, is a great hindrance to the success 
of religious instruction. Many persons have no need to 
wonder that their children are not pious ; it would have 
been a wonder with every body else if they were, for 
they have seen nothing at home, but what was calcu- 
lated to disgust them with religion. They would have 
been far more likely to have thought well of the ways of 
godliness, if their parents had said nothing about them. 

5. The bad conduct of an elder branch of a family, 
often counteracts all the efforts made for the benefit 
of the rest. Let parents see the importance of begin- 
ning upon a good system. Children are creatures of 
imitation, and the models they copy after, are their 
elder brother or sister. A mother should educate the 
character of her first child, with the recollection, that 
he will be a pattern which the rest will, in all proba- 
bility, more or less conform to. I do not think this 
has been sufficiently considered. 

6. Partiality has a very corrupting and fatal influ- 
ence. The history of the patriarch Jacob, first the vic- 
tim, and afterwards the subject of this sin, will remain 
for ever, a warning to all parents, against the dangers 
of domestic favoritism. The balances of government 
must be held in every family, by even handed justice, 
or misery is sure to ensue. Envy and jealousy are 
the natural consequences of partiality. Father and 
mother are sometimes embroiled, the children are set 
against each other, and all conspire against the favorite. 

Behold these obstacles, and avoid them. 

And now, can motives be necessary to admonish 
christian parents to the diligent performance of their 
duty ? If so, take the following : — 

1. Are you zealous for the cause of religion in the 
world, for the prosperity of Zion, for the interest of 
the Redeemer, for the glory of God ? Be diligent and 
anxious to train up your children in the nurture and 
admonition of the Lord. Would you have them the 
11* 



126 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



enemies, or the friends of God and his cause ? Dare 
you pretend to be the disciples of Christ, if this is a 
matter of indifference to you ? If you are neglectful 
in this matter, you may expect to see your offspring 
united with the children of this world, if not with infi- 
dels, scoffers or the profane. But if you are anxious 
and conscientious to train them up for God, that 
daughter over whom you watch with such parental 
care and tenderness, may be joined with the female 
worthies, who by their chaste conversation, and the 
ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, and their zeal for 
the cause of Christ, have done so much to diffuse re- 
ligion in the world. That son whom you now train 
with such holy solicitude, for future usefulness, as a 
disciple of the Saviour, may become eminent in the 
church, as a consistent and intelligent member, or an 
able and faithful minister. " Many a congregation," 
says Baxter, "that is happily fed with the bread of 
life, may thank God for the endeavors of some poor 
man or woman, that trained up a child in the ways of 
God, to become their holy and faithful teacher." The 
church of God looks to the families of the righteous, 
and expects and asks from thence, those supplies 
which are to recruit its members, and to repair the 
ravages of death. 

2. I urge this duty by a due regard to the temporal 
and eternal welfare of your children. You love your 
children, and would deem it a most cruel and insult- 
ing insinuation to have your affection for a moment 
questioned. But do what you will for them ; devote 
as you may the energies of body and mind ; the sleep 
of your nights and the activities of your days to your 
children's comfort : wear out your strength in ceaseless 
labor and solicitude, and yet at the same time neglect 
the religious education of your children, you are guilty 
of a species of most horrid cruelty towards them, the 
bitter consequences of which may begin in this world 
in profligacy and vice, and extend to the other in all 
the bitter pains of eternal death. Unrestrained by 
sentiments of piety, uncontrolled by a conscience, 
which has never been enlightened, what is to prevent 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 127 

them from being plunged into infamy by their un- 
bridled passions ? Have not many young men at the 
hulks, in the land of exile, or at the gallows; and 
many unhappy females when closing in misery, a 
course of infamy, cursed their parents for not giving 
them a religious education? But even though they 
live and die in worldly honor and respectability, what 
will this do for them amidst the sorrows of life, the 
agonies of death, the solemnities of judgement, and 
the torments of perdition. Hear them as they stand 
shuddering and affrighted on the brink of that gulf 
into which they are about to plunge. " Of what avail 
are the riches and honors and pleasures of the world, 
which my parents were so anxious to obtain for me ? 
Why did they not tell me that the salvation of my 
soul was of more importance to me as an immortal 
creature, than the possession of the universe ? Cruel, 
cruel parents ! Fool that I was to be blinded and 
rendered careless by you: but my self-reproaches are 
now unavailing ; I deservedly perish, but my blood be 
upon the head of those that neglected me." Ah cruel 
parents indeed, who neglect the religious education 
of their children : more cruel in some respects than 
Herod; he slew the bodies of children, these murder 
souls ; he murdered the children of others, these mur- 
der their own ; he employed the agency of his serv- 
ants, these do the work of slaughter themselves. 

3. Do you regard your own comfort ? Do you love 
yourselves ? Are you anxious to avoid painful and 
incessant solicitude, bitter reflection, domestic dis- 
quietude, dreadful forboding ? Then bring up your 
children with the most unvarying regard to their reli- 
gious character. Should God crown your efforts with 
success what a harvest of joys will you reap even in 
this world. When you see your children enter the 
paths of wisdom, " Thank God," you exclaim, " my 
highest ambition has at length reached its object. My 
children are decided christians. I am now no longer 
distressingly anxious for their future prospects in this 
life. In one way or other, God will provide for them. 
And as to eternity they are safe." Who can describe 



128 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



the pure, elevated felicity with which such parents 
mark the course of their children, in going from 
strength to strength in their progress to Zion. What 
a season of delight is that, when they publicly as- 
sume the profession of a christian, and connect them- 
selves with the church ! What joy is felt in beholding 
them at their side at the table of the Lord, and holding 
communion with them in the joys of faith and the an- 
ticipations of eternity. And what satisfaction is ex- 
perienced in seeing them enrolling their names as the 
friends of God and man, and giving their support to 
those institutions which are formed to promote the 
highest interests of the human race. As they grow 
in experience, in usefulness, in respectability in the 
church, the parents' joy and gratitude are continually 
increasing, and they feel the honor of having sent 
such members into the fellowship of the faithful. 
Should God in the mysteries of his providence re- 
move them by an early death, you will be cheered 
amidst the agonies of separation, by their dying con- 
solation ; their piety will wipe away your tears, and be 
a balm to the wounds of your mind ; and when they 
have departed, you will solace yourselves with the 
healing thought, that they are gone to that world of 
glory in which you will soon be reunited with them. 
Or should the order of nature be observed, and you 
precede them to the tomb, will not their presence and 
attentions in your dying chamber, be more soothing 
by the consideration, that they are so many saints, as 
well as children, ministering to your comfort ? Will 
not their piety give a sanctity and a sweetness to all 
the offices of their affection ? "I die," will be your 
expression, as like departing Jacob, you address your- 
selves to them, " but God will be with you, and we 
shall meet again where there will be no more death." 

But should you unhappily neglect their religious 
education, and they, through your neglect, should 
grow up without any due sense of the claims of God, 
is there not a danger of their becoming immoral, as 
well as irreligious ? And how could you bear to wit- 
ness, or to hear of their profligacy and vice, if at the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 129 

same time, you were conscious that it was in a meas- 
ure through your neglect? Perhaps they may be 
unkind and disobedient to you; for God may justly 
render that child a scourge to his parent, whose pa- 
rent did not train him up in the ways of religion. O 
what scenes of domestic misery, what heart-rending 
spectacles of confusion and wretchedness, have prof- 
ligate children occasioned in the families to which 
they belong ! How many have thus had their hearts 
suddenly broken, or their grey hairs brought down by 
the slow process of withering sorrow, to the grave : 
and the sting of all this, in some cases, has been the 
consciousness of parental neglect. No sin more 
heavily punishes itself, than this, nor mingles for its 
subject a more bitter cup. But then, the eternal con- 
sequences, oh the eternal consequences of this neg- 
lect. See the heart-stricken parent, wringing his 
hands over the dying youth, who is departing without 
repentance. No, not a syllable escapes his lips that 
sounds like penitence : the father weeps, and prays, 
and entreats, but the son hearkens not, and dies, and 
makes no sign. Now in what a burst of agony does 
he give vent to his feelings over the corpse, from 
which the spirit has departed, but departed not to the 
mansions of the blest. " Oh, my son Absalom, my 
son, my son Absalom, would God I had died for thee, 
O Absalom, my son, my son." 

Or, in the event of your own death, what thorns 
will it plant in your pillow, with what deeper shades 
will it invest the descent to that dark valley, to reflect 
that you had neglected the religious character of your 
children, and the eternal salvation of their immortal 
souls. Then, amidst these fearful scenes, to awake 
to a sense of your duty, when it is too late, except by 
one parting admonition to perform it. Then to see 
those around your bed, with whom you had been en- 
trusted, but whom you had neglected. 

But there are other scenes more dreadful still. The 
faithless parent must meet his neglected children at 
the day of judgement, before the bar of God. Fearful 
will be the interview ; and to us, now, utterly incon- 



130 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



ceivable. No imagination can portray the scene, and 
I attempt it not. And then, eternity, oh ! eternity ! — 
who shall bring out from the secrets of that impene- 
trable state, the condition of children, lost in some 
measure, through the neglect of their parents ; and 
the condition of parents, hearing through everlasting 
ages, the imprecation and reproaches of their own 
offspring, and all these imprecations and reproaches 
echoed back from their own conscience. But the 
picture is too appalling — and if the mere anticipation 
chills with horror, what must be its reality. 

Look for a few moments at a brighter scene, and an- 
ticipate the meeting at the judgement day, of pious 
parents and children reclaimed, converted, saved, by 
the blessing of God upon their affectionate solicitude, 
and judicious and persevering efforts for their eternal 
welfare : but this is as much too bright for the ima- 
gination, as the other is too terrific. It is glory, honor, 
and felicity too great to be imagined. And beyond 
all this, everlasting ages remain, for the child to be 
blessed with salvation, and the parent to be blessed 
with the consciousness of having been the happy in- 
strument of eternal blessedness to his own offspring. 



CHAPTER V. 

THE DUTIES OF CHILDREN TO THEIR PARENTS. 

" Children, obey your parents in the Lord ; for this is right. Honor 
thy father and mother ; which is the first commandment with pro- 
mise ; that it may be well with thee, and that thou mayest live long 
on the earth." ' Ephes. vi. 1, 2, 3. 

" My son, keep thy father's commandment, and forsake not the 
law of thy mother ; bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie 
them about thy neck. When thou goest it shall lead thee ; when thou 
sleepest it shall keep thee ; and when thou awakest it shall talk with 
thee." Proverbs vi. 20 — 22. 

" The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice ; and he that 
begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him. Thy father and thy 
mother shall be glad, and she that bare thee shall rejoice." 

Proverbs xxiii. 24, 25. 

Perhaps there is no duty, the obligations of which 
are more generally acknowledged, than filial piety; 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 131 



none which in the performance yields greater pleas- 
ure, or which, if neglected, brings a more severe or 
righteous retribution. All nations, however sunk in 
barbarism or elevated by science, have admitted the 
strength and justice of parental claims, and the un^ 
happy youth who resists them, stands convicted, con- 
demned, and reprobated before the tribunal of the 
world. On the other hand, an eminently dutiful child 
is an object of delight, admiration, and esteem to all 
who have an opportunity of witnessing his conduct ; 
he goes through society surrounded by a glory purer 
than that of fame, and far more conducive to his own 
comfort: he is a blessing to^is parents, and is blessed 
himself. Children, may all of you be such : and for 
that purpose, I ask your most fixed attention to the 
statement of your duties, as set before you in this 
chapter. The obligations of social life are reciprocal. 
If your parents owe to you all that I have enjoined 
upon them, how much do you owe to your parents ? I 
have been your advocate with them, I now become 
theirs with you. 

Consider well the relation you sustain to your pa- 
rents. There is a natural connexion between you, 
inasmuch as they are the instruments of your very 
existence ; a circumstance which of itself seems to 
invest them, as I have already said, with an almost 
absolute authority over you. The commonness, the 
universality of the tie, takes off the mind from con- 
templating its closeness, its tenderness, its sanctity. 
You are literally parts of themselves, and cannot dwell 
for a moment upon your descent, without being struck, 
one should think, with the amazing and solemn weight 
of obligation that rests upon you towards a father and 
a mother. But consider, there is not only a natural, 
but in reference to duty, an instituted connexion be- 
tween you: Jehovah himself has interposed, and unit- 
ing the language of revelation with the dictates of 
reason, the force of authority, to the impulse of nature, 
has called you to filial piety, not only as a matter of 
feeling, but of principle. Study then the relationship, 
look narrowly and seriously at the connexion subsist- 



132 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



ing between you. Weigh well the import of the word 
parent : think how much is implied in it towards its 
appropriate object, how many offices it contains in 
itself, — guardian, ruler, teacher, guide, benefactor, 
provider ; what then must be the obligations of 

A CHILD ? 

The following is a brief summary of filial duties : — 

1. You ought to love your parents. 

Love is the only state of mind from which all the 
other duties that you owe them can arise. By love, 
we mean complacency : and surely this is due to a 
father and mother. The very relation in which you 
stand to them demands this. If you are destitute of 
this, if you are without any propensity of heart towards 
them, you are in a strange and guilty state of mind. 
Till you are married, they ought, in most cases, to be 
the supreme objects of your earthly affections. It is 
not enough for you to be respectful and obedient, and 
even kind; but, where there exists no reasons for 
alienating your heart, you should be fond of them. It 
is of infinite importance that you should watch over 
the internal state of your mind, and not surfer dislike, 
alienation, or indifference, to extinguish your regards. 
Do not take up a prejudice against them, nor allow an 
unfavorable impression to be made upon your mind. 
Respect and obedience, if they do not spring from 
love, are valueless in their nature, and very precarious 
in their existence. 

If you love them, you will delight to be in their com- 
pany, and take pleasure in being at home with them. 
It is painfii-, tc them to see that you are happier any 
where than at home, and fonder of any other society 
than theirs. No companion should be so valued by 
you as a kind father or mother. 

If you love them, you will strive in all things to 
please them. We are always anxious to please those 
whom we regard, and to avoid whatever would give 
them pain. If we are careless whether we please or 
displease any one, it is obviously impossible that we 
can have any affection for them. The essence of 
piety towards God is a deep solicitude to please him ; 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



133 



and the essence of filial piety, is a solicitude to please 
your parents. Young people, dwell upon this single 
simple thought, a child's pleasure should be to 
please his parents. This is the essence of love, and 
the sum of all your duty. If you would adopt this rule, 
if you would write this upon your heart, if you would 
make this the standard of your conduct, I might lay 
down my pen, for it includes every thing in itself. O 
that you could be brought to reason and to resolve 
thus : — " I am bound by every tie of God and man, of 
reason and revelation, of honor and gratitude, to do all 
I can to make my parents happy, by doing whatever 
will give them pleasure, and by avoiding whatever 
will give them pain. By God's help, I will from this 
hour study and do whatever will promote their com- 
fort. I will make my will to consist in doing theirs, 
and my earthly happiness to arise from making them 
happy. I will sacrifice my own predilections, and be 
satisfied with their choice." Noble resolution, and 
just, and proper! Adopt it, act upon it, and you will 
never repent of it. Do not have any earthly happi- 
ness, that is indulged at the expense of theirs. 

If you love them, you ivill desire their good opinion. 
We naturally value the esteem of those to whom we 
are attached: we wish to be thought highly of by 
them ; and if we are quite careless about their respect 
for us, it is a sure sign we have no regard for them. 
Children should be desirous, and even anxious to stand 
high in the opinion of their parents, and nothing can 
be a more decisive proof of a bad disposition in a son 
or a daughter, than their being quite indifferent what 
their parents think of them. All love must be gone 
in such a case as this, and the youth is in the road to 
rebellion and destruction : commendation has lost its 
value, censure its efficacy, and punishment its power. 

2. Reverence is the next duty. 

" Honor" saith the commandment, " thy father and 
mother." This reverence has respect to your feel- 
ings, your words, and your actions. It consists in 
part, of an inward consciousness of their superiority, 
and an endeavor to cherish a reverential frame of 
12 



134 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



mind towards them, as placed by God over you. 
There must be high thoughts of their superiority, 
both natural and instituted, and a submission of the 
heart to their authority, in a way of sincere and pro- 
found respect. Even your love must be that which 
is exercised and expressed towards a superior. If 
there be no reverence of the heart, it cannot be ex- 
pected in the conduct. In all virtue, whether it be 
that higher kind which has respect to God, or that 
secondary kind, which relates to our fellow creatures, 
we must have a right state of heart ; for without this, 
virtue does not exist. 

Your words should correspond with the reverential 
feelings of the heart. When speaking to them, your 
address, both in language and in tones, should be 
modest, submissive, and respectful : not loud, boiste- 
rous, impertinent, or even familiar : for they are not 
your equals, but your superiors. If at any time you 
differ from them in opinion, your views should be ex- 
pressed, not with the flippancy and pertinaciousness 
of disputants, but with the meek inquisitiveness of 
pupils. Should they reprove, and even more sharply 
than you think is due, you must lay your hand upon 
your mouth, and neither answer them again, nor show 
resentment. Your reverence for them should be so 
great, as to impose a considerable restraint upon your 
speech in their company ; for much is due to the pre- 
sence of a parent. It is exceedingly offensive to hear 
a pert, clamorous, talkative young person, unchecked 
by the countenance of a father or mother, and engag- 
ing much of the conversation of a party to himself. 
Young persons should always be modest and retiring 
in company, but more especially when their parents 
are there. You should also be careful about the man- 
ner of speaking of them to others. You should never 
talk of their faults, for this is like Ham, uncovering 
the nakedness of his father. You must not speak of 
them in a jocose or familiar manner, nor say any thing 
that would lead others to think lightly, or to suppose 
that you thought lightly of them. If they are. attack- 
ed in their reputation, you are with promptitude and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 135 

firmness, though with meekness, to defend them, so 
far as truth will allow, and even if the charge be true, 
to make all the excuses that veracity will permit, and 
to protest against the cruelty of degrading your pa- 
rents in your presence. 

Reverence should extend to all your behavior to- 
wards your parents. In all your conduct towards 
them, give them the greatest honor, let it be observed 
by others that you pay them all possible respect, and 
let it also be seen by themselves, when there is no 
spectator near. Your conduct should always be un- 
der restraint, when they are within sight ; not the re- 
straint of dread, but of esteem. How would you act 
if the king were in the room ? Would you be as free, 
as familiar, as noisy, as when he had retired, or be- 
fore he had entered? I am of opinion, that parents 
let down their dignity, and undermine their authority, 
by allowing the same rude and boisterous behavior 
in their presence, as in their absence. This should 
not be. When reason is expanding in children, they 
should be made to understand and feel the truth of 
what I have already affirmed, that there is-an outward 
respect due to the very presence of a parent. All 
rude and noisy rushing in and out of a father or moth- 
er's company is unmeet. It is the etiquette of our 
court, that no one shall enter the royal presence, when 
the king is upon his throne, without obeisance ; nor in 
retiring, turn his back upon the throne. I do not ask 
for the same obsequiousness in families, but I ask for 
the principle from which it arises, a respectful defe- 
rence for authority. 

3. The next duty is obedience. 

" Children, obey your parents," says the apostle in 
his epistle to the Colossians. This is one of the most 
obvious dictates of nature ; even the irrational crea- 
tures are obedient by instinct, and follow the signs of 
the parent beast, or bird, or reptile. Perhaps there is 
no duty more generally acknowledged than this. Your 
obedience should begin early ; the younger you are, 
the more you need a guide and a ruler. It should be 
universal : " Children, obey your parents," said the 



136 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



apostle, " in all things." The only exception to this, 
is when their commands are, in the letter or spirit of 
them, opposed to the commands of God. In this case, 
as well as in every other, we must obey God, rather 
than man. But even here your refusal to comply with 
the sinful injunction of a parent, must be uttered in a 
meek and respectful manner, so that it shall be mani- 
fest you are actuated by pure, conscientious motives, 
and not by a mere rebellious resistance of parental 
authority. Your obedience should have no other ex- 
ception than that which is made by conscience : in 
your situation, inclination and taste are out of the 
question ; both must be crossed, opposed, and set aside 
when opposed to parental authority. It should be 
prompt As soon as the command is uttered, it should 
be complied with. It is a disgrace to any child that 
it should be necessary for a father or a mother to 
repeat a command. You should even anticipate, if 
possible, their injunctions, and not wait till their will 
is announced in words. A tardy obedience loses all 
its glory. It should be cheerful. A reluctant virtue 
is no virtue at all. Constrained and unwilling obedi- 
ence, is rebellion in principle ; it is vice clothed in 
the garment of holiness. God loveth a cheerful giver, 
and so does man. A child retiring from a parent's 
presence, muttering, sullen and murmuring, is one of 
the ugliest spectacles in creation: of what value is 
any thing he does in such a temper as this ? It should 
be self-denying. You must give up your own wills, 
and sacrifice your own predilections, and perform the 
things that are difficult, as well as those that are easy. 
When a soldier receives a command, although he may 
be at home in comfort, and he is required to go at 
once into the field of danger, he hesitates not, he con- 
siders he has no option. A child has no more room 
for the gratification of self will than the soldier has ; 
he must obey. It should be uniform. Filial obedi- 
ence is generally rendered without much difficulty 
when the parents are present, but not always with the 
same unreserve dness, when they are absent. Young 
people, you should despise the meanness, and abhor 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



137 



the wickedness of consulting the wishes, and obeying* 
the injunctions of your parents, only when they are to 
witness your conduct. Such hypocrisy is detestable. 
Act upon nobler principles. Let it be enough for you 
to know what is the will of a parent, to ensure obedi- 
ence, even though continents laid, and oceans rolled 
between you and your father. Carry his injunction 
with you every where ; let the voice of conscience be 
to you, instead of his voice, and the consciousness that 
God sees you, be enough to insure your immediate 
compliance. How sublimely simple and striking was 
the reply of the child, who, upon being pressed in 
company to take something which his absent parents 
had forbidden him to touch, and who, upon being 
reminded that they were not there to witness him, 
replied, " very true, but God and my conscience are 
here." Be it your determination, to imitate this beau- 
tiful example of filial piety, and obey in all things even 
your absent parents. 

4. Submission to the family discipline and 
rule is no less your duty than obedience to com- 
mands. 

In every well ordered family, there is a rule of gov- 
ernment; there is subordination, system, discipline, 
reward and punishment ; and to these, all the children 
must be in subjection. Submission requires, that if at 
any time you have behaved so as to render parental 
chastisement necessary, you should take it patiently, 
and not be infuriated by passion, or excited to resist- 
ance. Remember that your parents are commanded 
by God to correct your faults, that they are actuated by 
love in performing this self-denying duty, and that it 
costs them more pain to inflict it, than it does you to 
endure it. Ingenuously confess your faults, and sub- 
mit to whatever punishment their authority and wisdom 
might appoint. One of the loveliest sights in the do- 
mestic economy, next to that of a uniformly obedient 
child, is a disobedient one brought to a right sense 
of his misconduct, and quietly submitting to the pen- 
alty he has incurred. It is a proof both of strength 
of mind and of good disposition of heart, to say, " I 



138 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



have done wrong, and it is meet I should bear chas- 
tisement." 

In the case of elder children, such, for instance as 
are fourteen and upwards, all other correction than 
that of rebuke, and the expression by language of pa- 
rental displeasure, is of course out of the question ; 
but where this is necessary, such young persons as 
have merited it, should exercise profound submission. 
It is exceedingly painful when a parent, in addition to 
the extreme pain which it costs him to administer re- 
proof to such children, has to endure the anguish pro- 
duced by their utter indifference, smiling contempt, 
sullen murmuring, or insolent replies. This conduct 
is the more guilty, because the authors of it are arriv- 
ed at an age when they may be supposed to have ad- 
vanced so far in the growth of their understanding, as 
to perceive how deeply laid are the foundations of the 
parental authority in nature, reason and revelation, and 
how necessary it is that the reins of parental discipline 
should not be relaxed. If then, you have committed 
one error in deserving reproof, do not commit another 
in resenting it. Keep all still within ; let not your 
passions rebel against your judgement, but suppress 
in a moment the rising tumult of the soul. The con- 
duct of some children after reproof, is a deeper wound 
on the heart of a parent, than that which preceded 
and deserved reproof. On the other hand, I know 
not a greater mark of nobleness of mind, nor any thing 
which tends to raise a young person higher in the 
esteem of a parent, or to endear him more to a father's 
heart, than a humble submission to reproof; and an 
ingenuous confession of his fault. A friend of mine 
had a son, long since gone to join the immortals, who, 
having one day displeased his father before his young- 
er brothers and sisters, not only meekly submitted to 
paternal rebuke, but when the family were assembled 
at the dinner table, rose before- them all, and after 
having confessed his fault and craved his father's 
forgiveness, admonished the junior branches of the 
family, to take warning by his example, and be cau- 
tious never to distress their parents, whom they were 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 139 

under such obligations to love and respect. Nothing 
could be more lovely or more impressive, than this 
noble act. He rose, by his apology, to a higher place 
in the regard and esteem of his parents and the family, 
than he occupied even before his fault. Sullenness, 
impertinence, and obstinate resistance are meanness, 
cowardice, littleness, compared with such an action as 
this, which combines an heroic magnanimity with the 
profoundest humility. 

Subjection requires also, a due observance of the 
rules laid down for the maintenance of family order. 
In every well ordered family, things are not left to 
chance, but regulated by fixed laws ; there is a time 
for every thing and every thing in its time ; a place 
for every thing and every thing in its place. Meals, 
prayer, going to bed, and rising in the morning, are 
all in their appointed season. To these rules it is the 
obvious duty of every branch of the family to submit. 
The sons and daughters may be growing up or arrived 
at full age ; this matters not, they must submit to the 
law of the house, and their age is an additional reason 
for their submission, as it supposes a maturity of 
judgement, which enables them to perceive more 
clearly the grounds of all moral obligation. They 
may think the rules too strict ; but if the parent has 
enacted them, they should be in subjection, and that, 
as long as they continue members of the little com- 
, munity, though it be almost to old age. It is for the 
parents to decide also, what visitors shall be brought 
to the house ; and it is in the highest degree unbe- 
coming for a child to introduce, or even wish or at- 
tempt to introduce, any companion contrary to the 
known will of a parent. The same remark will apply 
to recreations ; parents must determine this point ; and 
no child that has the proper feelings of a child, would 
desire to set up any amusements that the taste, and 
especially that the conscience of a father or mother 
forbids. Instances have occurred of young people 
inviting such friends, and joining with them in such 
diversions, in the absence of their parents, as they 
know to be decidedly contrary to the law of the house. 



140 THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



This is such an act of base and wicked rebellion 
against parental authority, and such an unprincipled 
disregard to parental comfort, as language is too 
weak to characterise. Even the books which are 
brought into the house must be in accordance with 
the domestic rule. If the parent forbid the introduc- 
tion of novels, romances, or any other books, a child 
in most cases should forego his own predilections, and 
yield to an authority which he cannot resist without 
opposing the institute of nature and religion. 

5. It is the duty of children to consult their pa- 
rents. 

They are the guides of your youth ; your natural 
counsellors ; the family oracle, which you are ever to 
consult, and the responses of which are to be received 
with pious reverence. Even if you have just reason 
to suspect the solidity and penetration of their judge- 
ment, it is due to the relation in which you stand to 
them, to undertake nothing without laying the matter 
before them, and obtaining their opinion. How much 
more ready should you be to do this, where you have 
every reason to confide in their wisdom. You are 
young and inexperienced ; the path of life is, in a 
considerable degree untrodden by you, and contin- 
gencies are perpetually arising, which you have yet 
acquired no experience to understand, and to turn to 
account. They have travelled the road, and know its 
turnings, its dangers, and its difficulties. Go to your 
parents, then, with every affair ; consult them on the 
subject of companions, books, recreations. Let a fa- 
ther's and a mother's ear be the receptacle of all your 
cares. Have no secrets which you conceal from them. 
Especially consult with them on the subjects of trade 
and marriage. On the former, you perhaps need their 
pecuniary assistance, and how can you expect this if 
you take not their advice, as to the best way of em- 
ploying their property. As to marriage, I need not 
repeat at any length what I have already said on this 
subject. The scripture has furnished us with many 
fine instances of the deference paid, in patriarchal 
times, by children to their parents. Isaac and Jacob 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 141 



both appear to have left the selection of their wives 
to their parents. Ruth, though a daughter-in-law, 
was willing to be guided entirely by Naomi. Ishmael 
asked his mother's advice ; and Sampson moved for 
his parents' consent. The simplicity of that age has 
departed, and in the advance of society, more of the 
power of selection now vests in the children ; but it 
should not be exercised independently of parental ad- 
vice. An old divine said thus to his sons : — " When 
you are youths, choose your callings, . when men, 
choose your wives, only take me along with you; 
it may be, old men see farther than you." Another 
ancient writer has this remark ; — " It may be consid- 
ered, that parents, who brought forth and bred up 
their children, should by no means be bereft of them 
without their consent ; and since they are so much 
their goods and possessions, it were a kind of purloin- 
ing to give themselves away without their parents' 
leave. And on this subject, a heathen may teach 
many who profess to be christians ; for Cyrus, on be- 
ing invited to form a connexion with a particular indi- 
vidual, replied, " I like the lady, her dowry, and family, 
but I must have these agree with my parents' will, and 
then I will marry her." 

6. Imitate the good example of your parents. 

I say their good example, for if they unhappily set 
you a bad one, it is at the peril of your soul that you 
follow it. It was a noble answer which Frederick IV., 
Elector Palatine of the Rhine, returned to the prince, 
who advised him to follow the example of his father 
Lewis : — " In the business of religion we must follow 
the example of parents and ancestors, only so far as 
they are agreeable to the will of God." Marcus 
Aurelius Antoninus, when he came to the throne of 
Imperial Rome, publicly expressed his determination 
not to follow the usual conduct of the Caesars, but to 
act as a disciple of the pious Antonine, and to act, and 
speak, and think, as his foster father did. Survey the 
conduct of your parents ; let their failings be thrown 
back in shadow, their excellences brought out in full 
relief. Where they are truly pious, be followers of 



142 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



their religious character. You bear the likeness of 
their bodies, receive also the impress of their minds. 
Seek to catch the family feature of their piety. A 
wicked child of godly parents, is the most awful cha- 
racter upon earth. With what horror do I look upon 
such an one ! That he should swear, who was taught 
to pray ! That he should violate the Sabbath, who 
was led up, from his infantine days, to the house of 
God ! That he should despise religion, who has ever 
seen its beautiful form, in the example of a godly fa- 
ther, and a pious mother ! That he should be a friend 
of profane and unclean persons, who from a child has 
been the companion of saints ! Shocking spectacle ! 
But even where there maybe no actual irreligion, 
there is oftentimes a want of true religion : and this 
also, is distressing. What an aggravation is it to the 
sin of being without piety, to have lived all the earlier 
part of life, with an example of true godliness before 
our eyes ! This is a dreadful and actual resistance 
of the most alluring means which heaven ever em- 
ploys for the conversion of a sinner. It is a resolute 
determination to neglect and forget religion, in spite 
of an interesting and powerful memorial of it con- 
stantly before our eyes. What a meeting will such 
children have with their parents at the last day ! 

7. The last duty I shall mention, is kindness. 

This should extend through the whole of your de- 
portment, but there are several cases in which it will 
have a more enlarged opportunity for displaying its 
beauty, and exerting its energy. 

When parents are greatly inferior in talents and 
acquirements, it is a fine occasion for the exercise of 
filial piety. We know instances in which the father 
and mother are lamentably deficient, not only in in- 
formation, but in judgement: their weakness is mani- 
fest to all, and cannot be concealed from their family ; 
by whom, indeed, the sad effects of their imbecility, 
are daily felt and deplored. Here then is an opportu- 
nity for a display of noble and exalted kindness, on 
the part of children. Young people, if you are placed 
in such circumstances, endeavor constantly to remem- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 143 



ber, that notwithstanding all their weakness, they are 
your parents still, and hold a parent's claim. Never, 
never, taunt them with their defects, for this is cruelty 
in the extreme ; but on the contrary, strive to the ut- 
termost to prevent them from suffering any painful 
consciousness of their inferiority. Do not laugh at 
their mistakes, nor ever suffer yourselves so to expose 
or to correct them, as to wound their feelings. If 
they are obstinate, yield to them ; if irritable, bear 
with them : and when they shew their incapacity for 
governing with wisdom, instead of snatching the scep- 
tre from their hand, insensibly assist them to wield it 
with greater propriety. It is a beautiful sight, to be- 
hold a fine, intelligent, strong minded son or daughter, 
straining every nerve, and employing every faculty, to 
endure and conceal the faults of such a parent, and 
to throw an air of respectability over one, that has no 
respectability of his own. 

" There is often, especially in the middle classes of 
life, as great a difference of mental culture in the pa- 
rents and the child, as if they had lived at the distance 
of many centuries. The wealth that has been acquir- 
ed by patient industry, or some fortunate adventure, 
may be employed in diffusing all the refinements of 
science and literature to the children of those to whom 
the very words, science and literature, are words of 
which they would scarcely be able, even with the help 
of a dictionary, to understand the meaning. In a rank 
of life still lower, there are not wanting many merito- 
rious individuals, who, uninstructed themselves, labor 
indefatigably to obtain the means of liberal instruction 
for one, whose wisdom in after years, where he is to 
astonish the village, may gratify at once their ambi- 
tion and love. It would indeed, be painful to think, 
that any one, whose superiority of knowledge has 
cost his parents so much fatigue, and so many priva- 
tions of comforts, which, but for the expense of the 
means of his acquired superiority, they might have 
enjoyed, should turn against them, in his own mind, 
the acquirements which were to them of so costly a 
purchase, despising them for the very ignorance which 



144 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



gave greater merit to their sacrifice, and proud of a 
wisdom far less noble, when it can thus feel contempt, 
than the humble ignorance which it despises." 

Kindness will show itself in generous attention to 
poor parents. In the revolutions of this world, and 
by the vicissitudes of human affairs, many children 
have left their parents behind them in the humble vale 
of poverty : and some have lost their filial piety in the 
ascent. Few more shocking scenes can be presented 
to a feeling mind, than a rich son or daughter asham- 
ed of, and unkind to, his poor father or mother. Such 
wretches deserve the fate of the proud monarch of 
Babylon, and would have no more than their desert if 
they were driven from the company of men to herd 
with beasts, to which they are more allied in disposi- 
tion than to human beings. How beautiful a scene, 
the very opposite of that which I have just considered, 
was exhibited in the palace of Pharaoh, when Joseph, 
then the prime minister of the state, led in a poor old 
shepherd to the presence of the king, and before all 
the lords of the Egyptian court, introduced the de- 
crepid and care worn pilgrim as his father. Who, 
after looking at this, will ever be ashamed of a parent 
because he is clad in the garb of poverty. What a 
halo of glory did that one act draw round the honored 
brow of Joseph : the lustre of the golden chain that 
hung from his neck was dim compared with the bright- 
ness of this action, and the chariot in which he rode 
with almost imperial pomp before the people, raised 
him not to so high an eminence, as that which he 
occupied, when he stood before the monarch with 
the patriarch of Canaan leaning on his arm. Never 
be ashamed of your parents then, because of their 
poverty. 

Let your kindness operate in the way of affording 
them all things necessary for their comfort The au- 
thor of the iEneid has denominated his hero the pious 
iEneas, because of the heroic manner in which he 
bore his decrepid father from the flames of Troy. 
Two inhabitants of Sicily obtained a celebrity in an- 
cient story for their kindness to their aged parents in 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 145 



carrying them upon their shoulders from an irruption 
of Mount Etna. 

We have another instance of modern times. Mr. 
Robert Tillotson went up to London on a visit to his 
son, then Dean of Canterbury, and being in the dress 
of a plain countryman was insulted by one of the 
Dean's servants for inquiring if John Tillotson was at 
home. His person however, being described to the 
Dean, he immediately exclaimed, "It is my worthy fa- 
ther ;" and running down to the door to receive him, 
he fell down upon his knees, in the presence of his 
servants, to ask his father's blessing. 

And how has the poet, the historian and the painter, 
loved to exhibit that beautiful picture of filial piety, 
first given by Pliny, of a daughter, who, when her 
mother was condemned to be starved to death, obtain- 
ed leave from the keeper to visit the prison daily, and 
there nourished her parent from her own breast. A 
similar occurrence took place afterwards, in which a 
daughter nourished her father in the same manner ; 
the action was considered so striking, that it obtained 
the honorable appellation of The Roman charity. The 
senate decreed that the father should be restored to 
his child, and that on the spot where the prison stood, 
a temple should be erected to Filial Piety. 

There are however few instances of more touching 
kindness to parents, than that mentioned by Mr. Bruce 
in his Juvenile Anecdotes. 

" An officer, having remained some time at Kings- 
ton, in Surrey, for the purpose of raising recruits, re- 
ceived orders to join his regiment. On the evening 
before his departure, a Young Man of the most en- 
gaging aspect made his appearance, and desired to be 
enlisted into his company. His air at once indicated 
a well cultivated mind, and commanded respect. 

" He betrayed, however, evident marks of perturba- 
tion, and was greatly embarrassed ; the officer asked 
the cause of it: 4 1 tremble,' said he, 'lest you should 
deny my request.' Whilst he was speaking, the tears 
rolled down his cheeks. 4 No,' answered the officer, 
6 1 accept your offer most heartily ; but why should you 



146 THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



imagine a refusal ?' 4 Because the bounty which I 
expect may perhaps be too high.' 6 How much then 
do you demand ?' said the officer. 4 It is no unwor- 
thy motive, but an urgent claim that compels me to 
ask ten guineas ; and I shall be the most miserable of 
mankind if you refuse me.' 4 Ten guineas !' said the 
officer, 'that indeed is very high; but I am pleased 
with you : I trust to your honor for the discharge of 
your duty, and will strike the bargain at once. Here 
are ten guineas; to-morrow we depart.' 

" The young man, overwhelmed with joy, begged 
permission to return home, to perform a sacred duty 2 
and promised to be back within an hour. The officer, 
impressed by the honesty of his countenance, yielded 
to his desire ; but observing something mysterious in 
his manner, he was induced, by curiosity, to follow 
him at some distance. He saw him hastening towards 
the town prison, where he knocked and was admitted. 
The officer quickened his pace : and when he came 
to the door of the prison, he overheard the young man 
say to the gaoler : 4 Here is the money for which my 
father is imprisoned ; I put it into your hands, and I 
request you will conduct me to him immediately that 
I may release him from his misery.' The gaoler did 
as he requested. 

44 The officer delayed a few minutes, that the young 
man might have an opportunity of being alone with 
his father ; he then followed him. What a scene ! 
he saw the son in the arms of a venerable and aged 
father, who, without uttering a word, pressed him to 
his heart, and bedewed him with tears. A few min- 
utes passed before he observed the officer, who, deeply 
affected, approached them, and said to the old man,— 
4 Compose yourself ; I will not deprive you of so wor- 
thy a son. Permit me to restore him to you, that I 
may not regret the money which he has employed in 
so virtuous a manner.' 

44 The father and son fell upon their knees at his 
feet. The young man refused, at first, to accept of 
his proffered freedom ; but the worthy officer insisted 
that he should remain with his father. He accom- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 147 

panied them both from the prison, and took his leave 
with the pleasing reflection of having contributed to 
the happiness of a worthy son and an unfortunate 
father." 

What mind is not enamored, what heart is not af- 
fected, by such touching instances of filial kindness ? 
And what child is not ready to exclaim, " O my father, 
my mother, I will share with you my last crust, and 
feel at once, both honored and happy, to return upon 
you in your old age, the kindness you bestowed upon 
me in my youth, my childhood and infancy." 

Kindness will manifest itself by affectionate atten- 
tion and tender sympathy, in their sickness. I do not 
know where in all our world, to find a lovelier, holier, 
sweeter scene, than that of a pious and affectionate 
daughter, devoting her time, and strength, and invent- 
ive assiduities to the comfort of a mother or a father y 
confined for years to the room and the bed of sickness. 
Such children I have known, and ineffably admired ; 
who at an age when there is usually a taste and capa- 
city for the pleasures of society, have abstracted them- 
selves from all company, to be the constant, and almost 
sole companion of that dear sufferer, to alleviate whose 
sorrows, was their only happiness. Scarcely have they 
permitted themselves to walk abroad and enjoy the 
scenes of nature, even to recruit their wasting strength 
and prepare for fresh activities in the sick chamber, 
lest in their absence a pang should be felt which none 
could so well mitigate as they, or a want endured 
which they could best supply. I knew one such, who, 
had a sick father lived much longer, would have pre- 
ceded him to the grave, and died a martyr to filial 
piety. Nothing could ever tempt her away from his 
side by day, and not often did a night pass without 
her stealing quietly to his chamber door, at which, 
unconscious of the frost which was assailing her deli- 
cate frame, she stood listening to ascertain if all was 
still, not daring to enter, lest she should disturb that 
slumber which perhaps he was enjoying. I remember 
in another case, visiting a cottage, in which a sick 
man lay dying, who had been long ill ; his wife was 



148 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ministering to his comfort, and in one corner of the 
room, there was a girl of twelve years of age busily- 
employed at her needle. On my asking how they 
were supported in their affliction, the mother replied, 
" principally, sir, by that child's work ; she is up every 
morning at four o'clock, and is diligently employed till 
late at night ; she cheerfully bears all this labor, and 
gives its produce to sustain us." Young people, read 
and ponder these interesting details, and imitate these 
beautiful examples. Put forth all your tenderness, 
shrink from no self-denial, endure, not only without 
murmuring, but with cheerfulness, any sacrifices to 
comfort a sick parent. Aspire to the character of 
being a ministering angel to a father or mother. Let 
them see that you account it no hardship, but a felicity 
to wait upon them. It is in your power to alleviate or 
aggravate to an inconceivable degree their sufferings, 
according as you are kind or unkind. Covet the tes- 
timony which many a one has received, when the suf- 
ferer has said with tears in her eyes, " that dear child 
is my companion, my friend, my nurse, and all my 
earthly delight." O what is the concord of sweet 
sounds at the concert, what the gay and glittering at- 
tractions of the ball room, what the dazzling scenes of 
the theatre, or to come to more lawful enjoyments, 
what the exhilaration of the public meeting, compared 
with the consciousness of having smoothed the bed 
of sickness, and alleviated the sufferings of disease, 
for an afflicted parent. If the conscience of any that 
shall read these pages shall reproach them for neg- 
lect ; if they know that they have heard their parents 
mildly reprove them for their want of sympathy, let 
them consider what must be the anguish of those pa- 
rents' hearts, who have to say in the bitterness of their 
soul, to their own children, " Is it nothing to you, all 
ye that pass by, come see if there was ever sorrow 
like unto my sorrow," and who, disappointed in the 
hope of tenderness from their own offspring, turn for 
help to their neighbors ; and taking up the piteous 
complaint of Job, say, "Pity me, pity me, O my 
friends, for the hand of God hath touched me." Un- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 149 



feeling youth, your neglect will one day find you out, 
and at some future time may be, perhaps, returned 
upon you, by the cruel conduct of your own children. 

Kindness will often be put to a severe test, by the 
bad temper or the stern and tyrannical government of 
parents. It is difficult, I know, to be kind to those 
who are unkind to us: but it is our duty in all cases, 
much more to a parent. Nothing must allow you to 
be otherwise than the dutiful, affectionate child. No 
ebullitions of passion, no manifestation of unreasonable 
discontent, no caprice, no unmerited reproach on their 
part, should throw you off your guard. It may be 
sometimes necessary to remonstrate, but never can be 
proper to return railing for railing. Kindness may do 
more, in such circumstances, to soften and remove the 
evil, than angry resistance ; — " A soft answer turneth 
away wrath." 

"Lovely as virtue is," says Dr, Brown T "in all its 
forms, there is no form in which it is more lovely, than 
in this tender ministry of offices of kindness ; where 
the kindness, perhaps, is scarcely felt, or considered 
less as kindness, than as the duty which might have 
been fairly demanded, and which there is no merit, 
therefore, in having paid. Though we have often the 
gratification of seeing, in the progress of life, many 
beautiful examples of age, that is not more venerable 
for its past virtues, than amiable, with a lasting and 
still increasing gentleness, which softens the venera- 
tion indeed, but augments it even while it softens it, it 
is not always that the last years of life present to us 
this delightful aspect; and when the temper is, in 
these last years, unfortunately clouded, — when there 
is no smile of kindness in the faded eye, that grows 
bright again for moments, only when there is fretful- 
ness in the heart, — when the voice that is feeble, only 
in the utterance of grateful regard, is still sometimes 
loud with tones of a very different expression, — the 
kindness, which, in its unremitting attention, never 
shows by a word or look, the sadness that is felt on 
these undeserved reproaches, and that regards them 
only as proofs of a weakness that requires still more 
13* 



150 THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



to be comforted, is a kindness, which virtue alone can 
inspire and animate, but which, in the bosom that is 
capable of it, virtue must already have well rewarded. 
How delightful is the spectacle, when amid all the 
temptations of youth and beauty, we witness some 
gentle heart, that gives to the couch of the feeble, 
and perhaps, of the thankless and repining, those 
hours, which others find too short for the successive 
gaieties with which an evening can be filled, and that 
prefers to the smile of universal admiration, the single 
smile of enjoyment, which, after many vain efforts, 
has at last been kindled on one solitary cheek !" 

Another circumstance remains to be mentioned, 
which will render it extremely difficult, sometimes, to 
be at once obedient to God, and to your parent ; diffi- 
cult to manifest all the kindness which they may ex- 
pect, and at the same time, to regard the dictates of 
conscience ; I mean, where the children are pious, 
and the parents are still in an unconverted state. This 
is no uncommon case, and always a trying one wher- 
ever it occurs. Those who are placed in such a situ- 
ation, need much wisdom and much grace to conduct 
themselves with propriety, so as to give no unneces- 
sary pain to their parents, and yet at the same time, 
to maintain their consistency as christians. To young 
persons in such circumstances, I say, let there be deep 
and unaffected humility, no spiritual pride, no apparent 
consciousness of moral superiority, no saying, " stand 
by, lam holier than thou;" nothing approaching in 
the most distant manner to contempt of your parents, 
on account of their state. When it is necessary, as it 
sometimes may be, to oppose their wishes, and refuse 
their requests, because they interfere with your duty 
to God, let your dissent not assume the shape of dis- 
obedience to them, let it be expressed in a mild and 
respectful manner, and be made obviously to appear 
to be the result of conscientious motives, and not of 
caprice, or any want of right feeling towards them. 
In all other things, in which religion is not concerned, 
let there be additional effort and ingenuity to please 
them, so that they may have nothing against you, but 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



151 



as touching the law of your God. It may be sometimes 
necessary for you to express the solicitude which you 
ought always to feel for their spiritual welfare ; you 
must then be careful to avoid the appearance of dic- 
tation, lecturing, and reproach, and address your- 
selves to them in a humble and prudent manner. You 
should put suitable books in their way, and if they are 
not in the habit of hearing the gospel preached, you 
may invite them to hear the joyful sound. With all 
this, you must take especial pains, that your own reli- 
gion may be consistent and practical ; visible in all 
your conduct, and more particularly conspicuous, in 
the kind, and tender, and dutiful manner, in which 
you discharge your obligations to them. 

Such is a compendium of filial duties. Let children 
read them, study them, sincerely desire to perform 
them, and pray to x\lmighty God for the grace that is 
in Christ Jesus, to assist them in discharging their 
obligations. 

Many and cogent motives may be brought forward 
to enforce the performance of these duties. 

Observe the manner in which they are enjoined in 
scripture. Perhaps there are few branches of moral 
obligation, more frequently alluded to, or more va- 
riously enjoined, than that of filial piety. The lives 
of the patriarchs from the beginning of the world, 
are so drawn up, as to exhibit and recommend this 
virtue. It is commanded in one of the precepts of 
the moral law. By the Mosaic law, stubborn disobe- 
dience to parental authority, was punished with death. 
The book of Proverbs contains almost innumerable 
apothegms on this subject. The prophets very fre- 
quently allude to it ; and Jeremiah, in the history of 
the Rechabites, has preserved a very extraordinary 
instance of hereditary filial obedience, perpetuated 
through a period, which in the time of that prophet, 
had lasted three centuries, and which was reward- 
ed by the following testimony and promise of the 
Lord :— " Thus sath Jehovah of Hosts, the God of Is- 
rael ; because ye have obeyed the commandment of 
Jonadab, your father, and kept all his precepts, and 



152 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



done according to all that he hath commanded you ; 
therefore, thus saith Jehovah of Hosts, the God of 
Israel; Jonadab, the son of Rechab, shall not want 
a man to stand before me for ever." If we come 
forward to the New Testament, we find it again 
and again brought into view. We see it embodied 
and enforced in the example of Christ; of whom it 
is said, Jesus went down and was subject unto his 
parents. Yes, in the matchless constellation of per- 
fect moral excellencies that formed his character, and 
are presented for our admiration and imitation, one 
bright and beautious star is filial piety. Fix, young 
people, your eye upon that star, so mildly beaming, 
and so radiantly shining, as an example for you. That 
wonderful personage, God manifest in the flesh, 
was subject, we have reason to believe, to his parents, 
till at the age of thirty, he entered upon his public 
ministry ; and those parents, be it remembered, were a 
poor but pious couple, who earned their daily bread by 
the sweat of their brow. With them he dwelt in their 
humble abode, and labored, in all probability, for their 
support. And even amidst the agonies of the cross, 
neither his own personal sufferings, nor the sublime 
and glorious scenes connected with the redemption 
of a world, abstracted his thoughts and solicitude from 
the mother of his human nature ; and even then did 
filial piety shine forth, a bright speck still visible upon 
the orb of glory, which was rising upon the world. 
The apostles enforced it by various commendations. 
" Children, obey your parents," says Paul in one place, 
"for it is right;" a thing not obligatory merely be- 
cause it is commanded, but commanded because it is 
right ; not a mere positive institute, but wholly moral ; 
a duty enjoined not only by revelation, but by reason; 
one of the first lessons taught by nature to a rational 
creature. So right and proper is it, that all nations, 
ancient and modern, civilized and savage, admit its 
obligations. In another place, it is declared to be 
" well pleasing unto the Lord." It is that in which 
he delights, because it is the very disposition towards 
himself which he requires. And then, in his cata- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 153 

logues of dark deeds, and horrid dispositions, and 
atrocious characters, the apostle places disobedience 
to parents. The loud, strong voice of revelation is 
lifted to proclaim over the surface of the globe, 
" Children obey your parents, and honor your father 
and mother; for this is well pleasing to the Lord;" 
while the voice of nature echoes back the command, 
" Children obey your parents, for this is right" 

A child of any degree of generosity will be influ- 
enced to obey his parents, by a consideration of their 
comfort 

The earthly happiness of a father and a mother, 
depends far more upon the conduct of their children, 
than upon any thing else. Their trade may prosper, 
their wealth accumulate ; they may dwell amidst every 
kind of luxury and splendor, in the most beautiful spot 
which creation can present, yet an undutiful child 
may, by his disobedience and unkindness, throw a 
dark and chilling shadow over all, and envelope every 
thing in gloom. On the other hand, affectionate and 
obedient children supply the lack of riches, soften 
the weight of care, sweeten the cup of affliction, and 
shed a pleasing light over what would be otherwise a 
dark and dreary scene of human wo. Children have 
their parents' happiness in their keeping. They stand 
at the fountains of our earthly destiny, and send into 
our dwelling the waters of bitterness or of sweetness, 
as their conduct towards us shall be dutiful or unkind. 
They cannot know, till experience shall teach them, 
the trembling and exquisite sensitiveness of our hearts, 
and how slight a puncture draws the life's blood of our 
peace. So true is it, as was said by the wise man, that 
" a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother," aye, and 
of his father too ; he is a spot on their character ; a 
blast upon their hopes ; a nuisance to their family ; 
and a thorn in their hearts. 

Nearly connected with this, as another motive, is 
gratitude. No child can know, till he becomes a pa- 
rent himself, what he owes to his parents ; and not 
then till he has added all the cares, and toils, and 
anxieties which are excited by the child, the boy, the 



154 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



youth, the man, in addition to those which are awak- 
ened by the infant of days. Parental solicitude is 
of course produced by the first sight of the child ; but 
the infancy of the babe, is but the infancy of our soli- 
citude, which grows with his growth, and strengthens 
with his strength. Children are ever contracting 
obligations from the first moment of their existence. 
What owes not the babe to his mother, for that 
watchfulness, and labor, and anxiety, which scarcely 
rest by day or sleep by night. Other animals, though 
nourished by their parents, are taught many things by 
instinct ; but man, the most helpless of all creatures, 
must learn every thing from his parents, in the first 
stage of his existence. Let any one calculate, if he 
can, the hours of labor, sleeplessness, and anxiety ; 
the tears, the tremblings, the alarms which one weakly 
infant costs a mother, before he leaves her arms, and 
stands erect upon his feet in his own strength. My 
young friend, had your mother remitted her care for 
one single hour, or ceased but for a short season, her 
vigilant inspection, you might have been consumed in 
your cradle, or have been now a cripple or an ideot. 
How many months rolled by, before you could wash 
away a speck of defilement from your frame, help 
yourself to medicine, or to food, express in articulate 
language a single want, put on a garment, or defend 
yourself against an enemy so feeble as a wasp. What 
then are your obligations to the woman who did all 
this for you, and delighted to do it ? I cannot follow 
you through the successive stages of your existence, 
at each of which you were accumulating fresh obliga- 
tions to both father and mother for education, with all 
its advantages ; for instruction in trade, and that ca- 
pacity you now possess for attaining to respectability 
in life ; but above all for that ceaseless, and manifest, 
and earnest solicitude for your eternal happiness, by 
which you have had the road to glory, honor, and im- 
mortality opened to your view, and have been ad- 
monished to walk in it ! O, sum up, if you can, your 
obligations to your parents ; but you cannot. And 
can you resist this motive to obedience ? What, has 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 155 



gratitude perished in your soul, till its very root has 
died in the soil of your depraved nature ? Yes ; it 
must be so, if you are unkind to your parents : you 
stand proved before the universe, to have nothing of 
a child, but the name and the mere fleshly relation, 
which you possess in common with the tiger, or the 
serpent, or the toad, but you nave not the feelings of 
a child ; you are a kind of monstrous production, out 
of the course of nature, and like all such productions, 
fill the mind with loathing and horror. Few there 
are, I hope, that will read these pages, to whom such 
an expostulation is applicable ; on the contrary, many, 
I believe, will experience as they proceed, the gene- 
rous emotions of gratitude swelling higher and higher 
in their bosom, till, with a burst of virtuous feeling, 
they exclaim, "Accept, my parents, of the surrender, 
which a sense of my obligation to you compels me to 
make, of my whole future life, to the promotion of 
your comfort." 

Interest pleads with children for their dutiful be- 
havior to their parents. 

An undutiful child cannot be a happy one. Peace 
must leave the breast with filial piety, whenever it 
departs ; and uneasiness and misery, and occasional 
shame and remorse, enter to dwell in the wretched 
bosom ; while the affectionate and dutiful child has a 
perpetual feast within. And mark the language of 
the apostle. " Honor thy father and mother ; which 
is the first commandment tvith promise ; that it may 
he well with thee, and that thou mayest live long on the 
earth." This is an allusion, it is true, to the temporal 
promises of the Sinai Covenant, and perhaps to the law 
which doomed the disobedient son to be judicially cut 
off from the people. But still, as repeated by a New 
Testament writer, it must, to a certain extent, be in 
force still. Dr. Dwight has the following remarks on 
this passage which deserve consideration. " In con- 
versing with the plain people of this country, distin- 
guished for their good sense, and careful observation 
of facts, I have found them, to a great extent, firmly 
persuaded of the verification of this promise in our 



156 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



own times ; and ready to produce a variety of proofs 
from cases, in which they have seen the blessing re- 
alized. Their opinion is mine, and with their experi- 
ence my own has coincided. 

" Indeed no small measure of prosperity seems or- 
dinarily interwoven with a course of filial piety. The 
comfort which it ensures to parents, the harmony 
which it produces in the family, the peace which it 
yields in the conscience, are all essential ingredients 
of happiness. To these it adds the approbation of 
every beholder, the possession of a fair and lasting 
reputation, the confidence and good will of every 
worthy man, and of consequence an opportunity of 
easily gaining those useful employments which good 
men have to give. Beyond this it naturally associ- 
ates itself with temperance, moderation, and sobriety, 
which furnish a solid foundation for health and long 
life. In my own apprehension, however, these are 
not all its blessings. I do not say that miracles are 
wrought for its reward. Neither will I say that purer 
gales breathe to preserve its health ; nor that softer 
suns arise, or more timely rains descend to mature its 
harvests ; nor that more propitious winds blow, to 
waft its ships home in safety. But I will say, that on 
the tide of Providence, multiplied blessings are borne 
into its possession, at seasons when they are unex- 
pected, in ways unforeseen, and by means unprovided 
by its own forecast, which are often of high impor- 
tance ; which, altogether, constitute a rich proportion 
of prosperity ; and which, usually, are not found by 
persons of the contrary character. At the same time, 
those who act well as children, almost of course, act 
well as men and women ; and thus have taken, without 
design, the scion of happiness from the parental stock, 
and grafted it upon other stems, which bear fruit 
abundantly to themselves. Here, in the language of 
Dr. Watts, 

' It revives, and bears, 

A train of blessings for their heirs.' " 

If motives so forcible and tender as these, have no 
effect, nothing is left me to do, but to remind the 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



157 



children of disobedience, of that day of judgement, 
which God hath appointed to judge the world in 
righteousness, by Jesus Christ, and to give to every 
one according to the things done in the body, whether 
they are good or bad. " In that most awful season, 
when the wicked shall see the judge sit above them, 
■angry and severe, inexorable and terrible ; under them 
an intolerable hell ; within them their consciences 
clamorous and diseased ; without them, all the world on 
fire ; on the right hand, those men glorified, whom 
they persecuted and despised ; on the left hand the 
devils accusing then shall it be found that the 
severest sentence of the Almighty, and the bitterest 
dregs of the vials of his wrath, will be poured out on 
the disobedient and ungodly child of those parents 
who trained him up in the nurture of the Lord. 



CHAPTER VI. 



THE DUTIES OF MASTERS. 



" Ye masters, do the same things unto them, forbearing threatening ; 
knowing that your master also is in heaven ; neither is there respect 
of persons with him." Ephes. vi. 9. 

" Masters give unto your servants, that which is just and equal." 

Col. iv. 1. 

" A party of friends setting out together upon a journey, soon find 
it to be best for all sides, that while they are upon the road, one of 
the company should wait upon the rest, another ride forward to seek 
out lodging and entertainment; a third carry the portmanteau; a 
fourth take charge of the horses ; a fifth bear the purse, conduct and 
direct the route ; not forgetting, however, that as they were equal 
and independent when they set out, so they are all to return to a level 
again at their journey's end. The same regard and respect; the 
same forbearance, lenity, and reserve, in using their service ; the 
same mildness in delivering commands ; the same study to make 
their journey comfortable and pleasant, which he whose lot it was to 
direct the rest, would in common decency think himself bound to 
observe towards them, ought we to shew towards those, who, in the 
casting of the parts of human society, happen to be placed within our 
power, or to depend upon us." Paley. 

" There are duties which we owe to the lowest of those who serve 
us, that are not fulfilled by the most bountiful allotment of wages, and 
lodging, and sustenance. Of these duties, which are not duties ot 

14 



158 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



supererogation, but flow from the very nature of the bond which 
connects the master and the servant by reciprocal benefits, the surest 
rule is to be found in that brief direction which Seneca, in the spirit 
of the noble christian precept of morals, has so happily given us in 
one of his epistles, in which he treats of the cruelty and contumely of 
Roman masters. — ' So live with your inferior, as you would wish your 
superior to live with you.' " Dr. Thomas Brown. 

" It has been justly remarked, that all authority over others, is in 
fact, a talent with which we are entrusted for their benefit, as well 
as our own ; and so the discbarge of our duty to them is only, in other 
words, securing our own interest as well as theirs. This, however, 
is especially manifest in the case of servants, dwelling under our 
roof, as members of the same family. Thereby how much our care 
over the souls of our servants contributes to their knowledge of God 
and themselves, so far have we secured their conscientious regard to 
our interests, and furnished them with principles, which will not only 
augment the stock of domestic happiness, but certainly contribute 
towards the divine favor resting on our dwelling, as well as on all 
we possess. Thus, then, is the fear of God in the master and servant, 
found to be at once the only foundation of relative duty, and the only 
effectual security for the discharge of it." Anderson. 

" The highest panegyric that private virtue can receive, is the 
praise of servants, for they see a man without any restraint or rule of 
conduct, but such as he voluntarily prescribes to himself. And how- 
ever vanity or insolence may look down with contempt on the 
suffrage of men undignified by wealth, and unenlightened by educa- 
tion, it very seldom happens that they commend or blame without 
justice. 

" The danger of betraying our weakness to our servants, and the 
impossibility of concealing it from them, may be justly considered as 
one motive to a regular and irreproachable life. For no condition is 
more hurtful and despicable, than his, who has put himself in the 
power of him, whom, perhaps, he has first corrupted, by making him 
subservient to his vices, and whose fidelity he therefore cannot en- 
force by any precepts of honesty or reason. From that fatal hour 
when he sacrificed his dignity to his passions, he is in perpetual dread 
of insolence or defamation j of a controller at home, or an accuser 
abroad." Johnson. 

Of all the domestic connexions, that between master 
and servant, is perhaps least understood, or at any rate, 
most neglected. In the two preceding cases, nature, 
imperfect and corrupt as she is, has come in with her 
aid : but this is a connexion, affecting very extensively 
the vital interest of the family, but which is left by 
God to conscience and scripture alone. Should these 
two be neglected, what wonder, if the duty on either 
side is not fulfilled. It is not a connexion founded in 
mutual love, like that of man and wife ; nor in consan- 
guinity, like that of parent and child, or brother and 
sister; but in mere convenience. It seems at first 
sight, a destruction of the natural equality of the hu- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 159 

man race, and an invasion by one party, of the rights 
of the other. It did not exist originally, but soon 
grew out of the natural course of things, such as the 
varied degrees of men's acquired property ; the love 
of ease on the one hand, and the urgency of necessity 
on the other. It was wealth or power that made the 
first master, and want or weakness that made the first 
servant; and the very same circumstances which 
originated the relation, preserves it. No one is a 
servant by choice, but of necessity, and becomes a 
master as soon as he can. All this shews that there 
is great propriety and importance in stating with 
clearness, and enjoining with frequency, the duties of 
this connexion; and that there needs great impar- 
tiality in adjusting the claims of both parties so as to 
prevent the master from becoming a tyrant, and the 
servant from becoming a rebel ; in other words to 
guard the master against the disobedience and dis- 
honesty of the servant, and the servant against the 
oppression and cruelty of the master. 

To the right performance of the Duties of Masters 
and Mistresses, the following qualifications are ne- 
cessary. 

1. A correct view of the nature and design of the 
family compact as intended to train up all the mem- 
bers that compose it, to be good members of the civil 
community, and of the church of Christ. They must 
keep in constant recollection, that the domestic con- 
stitution has a reference to religion, to heaven, and to 
eternity ; and that they who are appointed to be the 
head of it, are accountable to God for the manner in 
which they give it this direction. Every household is 
intended to be a seminary for virtue and piety, of 
which the master and mistress are the teachers; the 
servants and children the pupils. 

2. They should be partakers of true religion. 
Hence you see they are directed to consider, that 

they have a master in heaven, and to perform their 
duties with a believing and constant reference to their 
accountability to Christ. Without personal religion, 
they cannot of course seek on behalf of their servants 



160 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



the highest end of the domestic constitution, i. e. their 
spiritual and eternal welfare. Nor can they, without 
religion, be so well prepared to discharge even the 
ordinary duties of their station. True religion will 
not fail, wherever it exists in full vigor and operation, 
to teach a man, in reference to every thing, the best 
rules and ends, and measures of action: and espe- 
cially will the grace of God, in this case, prevent that 
pride, passion, cruelty, and unkindness, which make a 
man a bad master; and at the same time it will im- 
plant those virtues which are the germs of a master's 
greatest excellence. Religion is the strongest basis 
and the firmest support of authority ; it not only ren- 
ders all the commandments which are delivered, holy, 
and just, and good ; not only infuses wisdom and equity 
into all the laws which are enjoined, but invests the 
lawgiver himself with the beauty of goodness, and the 
awful power of sanctity. A peculiar awe and dread 
seem to have been upon the inferior creatures, for 
man in his innocence, as a kind of reverence for the 
divine image which man bore ; and the more holiness 
there is in a man's character now, the more power is 
there in his authority, and the more nearly does he 
come back to his original dominion, at least over the 
rational creation. If we would govern well, and 
easily, and pleasantly, we must inspire reverence 
rather than fear, and nothing does this like religion. 
" Them that honor me, saith God, I will honor :" this 
is never more remarkably exemplified, than in the 
case of eminently holy masters and mistresses. 

3. They should entertain correct notions of the na- 
ture and design of the relation they stand in to their 
servants, who are to be considered as their equals in 
nature, though their inferiors in rank; and not as 
beings of another and inferior race. 

Servants are not mere speaking brutes, but rational 
men and women, who are bone of your bone, and flesh 
of your flesh, and who on the ground of natural equal- 
ity, covenant with you to deliver to you so much ser- 
vice, for so much wages. They are your equals in 
the eye of the laws of the land, and are as much pro- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 161 



tected as you are ; equal in the eye of God, who is no 
respecter of persons ; equal in personal formation, 
having the same corporeal senses, members and 
beauty, and the same mental faculties ; equal in the 
church of God, being redeemed by the same blood 
of atonement, regenerated by the same Holy Spirit, 
and entitled to the same heaven; and on all these 
grounds entitled to the respect that is due to a man 
and a christian ; as such they are to be addressed and 
treated; and not spoken to and oppressed like beasts. 

I now lay down one or two preliminary remarks. 

1. Professing christians should be very careful in 
the selection of their servants. 

It is desirable, where it can be done, to engage such 
servants as are truly and consistently pious. I know 
that this cannot always be accomplished, in reference 
to the household, much less in the manufactory and 
the shop. In a business that depends upon the skill 
of the workmen, a master must have such as will suit 
his purpose, whether they possess moral qualifications 
or not. But when he cannot get good men, he should 
endeavor to reform, to the extent of his ability, such 
as are bad. It must be admitted that there are many, 
both men and women, who, as to their general quali- 
fications, are most excellent servants, who yet do not 
possess true piety : they are industrious, good temper- 
ed, honest, and cleanly, and contribute far more to the 
comfort of the families that employ them, than some 
conceited, cross, and indolent professors of religion. 
Notwithstanding this, it is every way desirable to ob- 
tain, if we can, those to serve us, who, we have every 
reason to believe, serve the Lord Christ. 

Other things being equal, pious servants are much 
to be preferred to those that are without the fear of 
God. They may bring the blessing of God with them 
into your house. You have the benefit of their exam- 
ple and of their prayers : in the time of sickness, you 
have the consolation of their remarks as well as their 
sympathy : and hence they have been, in many cases, 
sources of inconceivable comfort to the households, in 
which they have been placed. If you have a family 3 



162 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



how immensely important is this matter. Think of 
what incalculable mischief one unprincipled servant 
may be the author, in a circle of young children. On 
this account, if a person of decided piety cannot be 
found, at least determine that none but such as are 
strictly moral, shall be inmates in your habitation. 
David determined that no liar should dwell in his 
family. The utmost caution should be exercised, to 
keep from the nursery all improper persons. Nor 
ought any mother to trust her children too much to 
any servants, however excellent ; and on admitting 
them, she should very minutely instruct them in all 
those points of conduct towards their minds, as well 
as to their bodies, which they are to avoid, as well 
as those which they are to observe. I would sooner 
take a toad into my bosom, said an old author, than 
a wicked servant into my family. Well might he 
say this, for the poor reptile is belied in being said 
to be armed with poison, but the wicked servant has 
poison for the mind both of her fellow servants and 
the children. Christian parents are not perhaps suf- 
ficiently cautious on this head. They are not suffi- 
ciently impressed with the importance of the subject, 
till they learn it by the various kinds of mischief that 
have been done. The present age has peculiar ad- 
vantages on this point, inasmuch as by the extension 
of education, many young women, of considerable re- 
spectability, are trained for the important situation of 
nursery governesses. 

2. When you engage a servant, let there be a very 
explicit statement, of what each party expects from 
the other. 

The master or mistress should most fully explain to 
the servant, all that will be demanded in the way of 
service, and all that will be given in the way of wages 
and of privilege, both temporal and spiritual. Nothing 
should be concealed or omitted, to be brought forward 
at some future time : this is in the highest degree dis- 
honorable, and subjects the encroaching party to the 
justest reproach. It would be well for you to inform 
your servants, in a very minute and particular manner^ 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



163 



all the religious habits of your family, and what com- 
pliance with these you will expect from them. 

The duties of Masters and Mistresses may be class- 
ed under three heads. 

First You owe them a duty of justice. 

This demands, that you should give them a fair re- 
muneration for their labor. The amount should not 
only be enough to support them in mere existence, but 
in comfort. It is an utter disgrace to any man, much 
more to a professing christian, to abate and screw 
down those whom he employs, till they cannot earn 
enough for their decent clothing, and the nourishment 
of their strength. Is not this to grind the faces of 
the poor? But, as in trade, there are certain rates of 
wages, from which it may be difficult for a master, how- 
ever pious or humane, to vary, I shall merely remark, 
that such men ought never to be forward in lowering 
the price of labor, beyond what is actually necessary 
to keep possession of the market. As to household 
servants, to whom this chapter more especially ap- 
plies, it is very dishonorable to a mistress to higgle 
about a few shillings, with a poor dependant creature, 
whom she is scarcely willing should earn enough to 
procure herself reputable apparel. I do not wish serv- 
ants to be encouraged in dress, and in expensive hab- 
its : there is too great a propensity to this in many 
young women, which ought to be checked, and if it 
can be done by no other means, by a reduction of 
wages. But enough ought to be afforded in all cases, 
for suitable attire, and for a little surplus fund, which 
they should be encouraged to make against a time of 
destitution and helplessness. If we do not furnish 
them by a sufficiency of wages, with the means of 
honestly supplying their wants, are we not tempting 
them to make up the deficiency by dishonesty ? And 
of course, their wages should be regularly paid. It is 
disreputable to be long in debt to any one, but utterly 
scandalous, when such creditors are unpaid servants, 
who ask, without success, for what has been due to 
them for months. I wonder the pride, if not the prin- 
ciple of some people, does not prevent them from 



164 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



putting on new finery, while the servants in the kitch- 
en are saying, " That bonnet and gown are mine, for 
I am owed the money which payed for them, if indeed 
they he paid for." 

Justice demands that you should pay your servants 
for all the work they do ; and that every thing, which 
in respect of time or labor, is above the stipulated or 
usual quantity of service rendered for a given sum, 
should be most equitably paid for. There are some 
persons who are proverbially mean, for exacting, not 
only what is actually due to them for the wages they 
pay, bat for getting, if possible, a little extra service, 
without paying for it : this remark applies, of course, 
to the case of day work. If a woman be hired to work 
in the parlor, or the kitchen, or a man be engaged for 
the garden, such persons will generally detain them 
if they can, an hour or two beyond the usual time, on 
pretence, perhaps of finishing up the matter, or get- 
ting ready something of importance. This would be 
all very fair, if they paid an extra sum for the extra 
work ; but no ; they want the additional hour or two 
to be thrown in for nothing. But when the case is 
reversed, and the workman or woman is obliged to go 
away an hour or two earlier than the usual time, they 
are then forward enough to make a deduction from 
the amount paid to them. This is not only detestably 
mean but actually dishonest, for it is taking the labor- 
ing person's work without paying for it. Many per- 
sons, and some of them, professors of religion, have 
no conscience in this matter, and get a character for 
extortionate selfishness from all whom they employ. 
In our money transactions with those who serve us, 
we should always lean to the side of generosity, or at 
least, should pay to the uttermost farthing, for all the 
work which is done for us. 

Justice requires, that your domestic servants be well 
provided for in all the necessaries and accommodations 
of life. Their food should be wholesome and suffi- 
cient; their lodging should be such as is convenient 
for them in respect to warmth and protection, and not 
such as a person of even tolerable humanity would 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 165 

scarcely allot to the dogs of his flock. If people can- 
not really afford to give such wages as will procure 
decent attire, nor such food, both as to quantity and 
quality, as is necessary to keep up the strength of a 
servant, they ought not to have one, and should do 
the work themselves. I pity from the very bottom of 
my heart some poor orphans, hired perhaps, if not from 
the workhouse, yet from friends that are glad to get 
them off their hands at any price, who although bur- 
dened with excessive labor, are not allowed meat and 
drink sufficient to support their strength, and nourish 
their stunted frame, and are in a condition, which, 
with the single exception of liberty, is more pitiable 
than that of many African slaves. Medicine and 
surgical assistance, also should be procured for our 
domestic servants at our cost, as long as they are in 
our employ. I do not like the practice of hurrying 
them off, except in the case of contagious diseases, to 
hospitals and dispensaries, and thus calling upon the 
public to provide for the relief of those, whose cases 
belong to us. Much less is it equitable to make them 
pay the expenses of their own affliction. I have 
known servants, who were half beggared by doctors' 
bills, which ought to have been discharged by those, 
in whose service they contracted the ailments which 
reduced them to suffering and poverty. 

Justice also equally demands, in the case of appren- 
tices, that they should he well taught the business which 
they come to you to learn ; especially, where as in many 
cases, a high premium is paid for this very purpose. 
No man can honestly retain such property, or indeed 
such apprentice with whom it is given, if he do not 
even take pains to instruct him. If there be any se- 
cret in the trade, it must be thrown open to him, for 
he comes to you for that very purpose. Nor is it 
enough not to hinder him from acquiring the business, 
but you must take pains to help him. I do think that 
this circumstance is very much forgotten by masters, 
not excepting those that make a profession of religion. 
Apprentices, I know, are taken with the primary view 
to the master's interest; but in return for the help 



166 



THE FAMILY MONITOR*. OR 



which a servant affords towards the accomplishment 
of this object, a master covenants to instruct him in 
the trade, and the man who employs an apprentice in 
any thing else than that which he came to learn, and 
suffers him through his neglect, to remain ignorant 
of the trade, is guilty of a double act of robbery ; he 
robs the parent of the youth, of his property, and at 
the same time, robs the youth himself of all his future 
means and opportunities of success. 

Justice demands, that when they leave your service, 
you should dismiss them, as far as you are able, con- 
sistently with truth, with a good character. Their 
character is their wealth, and if this be gone, their 
means of subsistence have all vanished. Do not dis- 
allow them the right of leaving you when they please, 
nor avenge yourselves upon them by insinuating any 
thing to their disadvantage. On the contrary, do all 
you can to raise their reputation, and say all the good 
you can in their favor. 

" There is a carelessness and facility in 1 giving 
characters,' as it is called," says Paley, "especially 
when given in writing, or according to some estab- 
lished form, which, to speak plainly of it, is a cheat 
upon those who accept them. They are given with 
so little reserve and veracity, " that I should as soon 
depend, (says the author of the Rambler,) upon an ac- 
quital at the Old Bailey by way of recommendation of 
a servant's honesty, as upon one of these ' characters.' 
It is sometimes carelessness ; and sometimes to get 
rid of a bad servant, without the uneasiness of a dis- 
pute ; for which nothing can be pleaded, but the most 
ungenerous of all excuses, that the person whom we 
deceive is a stranger. 

" There is a conduct the reverse of this, but more 
injurious, because the injury falls where there is no 
remedy; I mean the obstructing of a servant's ad- 
vancement, because you are unwilling to spare his 
service. To stand in the way of your servant's inte- 
rest, is a poor return for his fidelity, and affords slender 
encouragement for good behaviour, in this numerous, 
and therefore, important part of the community. It is 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 167 

a piece of injustice, which, if practised towards an 
equal, the law of honor would lay hold of ; as it is, it 
is neither uncommon, nor disreputable. 

It is but common justice, also, to do something for 
the provision of servants who have worn themselves out 
in your service. To leave such to penury and want 
in the wintry season of their old age, is an instance 
of great and disgraceful cruelty. How much have 
they contributed either to your wealth or to your com- 
fort, and perhaps to both. By the Levitical law it was 
provided that the servant who had been six years in 
the employ of a master should be treated with great 
generosity. " He shall not," said the Lord, " be sent 
empty away ; but thou shalt furnish him liberally out 
of thy flock, out of thy floor, and out of thy wine press ; 
and that wherewith the Lord thy God hath blessed 
thee, thou shalt give unto him." (Deut. xv. 13, 14.) 
Now if six years' service, under the law, were consid- 
ered to entitle a servant to such an acknowledgement, 
surely a whole life's labor under the gospel dispensa- 
tion, entitles them in their old age to no less. I ask 
this, not on the ground of kindness, but of justice ; 
for it partakes of oppression and extortion, to give 
them no more for their time and strength than they 
need for the passing moment, and then to cast them 
upon the parish, when we can no longer render them 
subservient to our interests. 

Secondly. Kindness comprehends another exten- 
sive class of duties owed by masters and mistresses 
to their servants. 

You must be careful not to overwork them. 

A merciful man will not overload his beast. We 
have been often shocked to see in our streets, or on 
the public road, how cruelly some weak, half starved 
animals have been used, in being compelled to drag 
along burthens much beyond their strength : but are 
there not scenes of equal cruelty, to be witnessed in 
some houses, where is to be found a poor, young, 
friendless girl, whose pallid looks and delicate frame 
indicate to every one, but her hard hearted mistress, 
that she is incompetent to the tasks, which, without 



168 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



cessation, she is mercilessly compelled to sustain ? Her 
toil commences, perhaps, at five or six o'clock in the 
morning, and continues without intermission till eleven 
at night. Of work, she has too much for the robust 
and well nourished frame, especially for her weak and 
ill fed constitution. Some unfeeling creatures seem 
to think, that the payment of five or six pounds a year, 
gives them a right to exhaust all the energies of the 
poor helpless creatures who are unfortunate enough 
to be employed by them. And even where unkind- 
ness is not carried to this extent, I am persuaded, that 
servants are in very many cases, quite overworked ; 
they are so urged by incessant demands for their labor, 
that from the beginning to the end of the week, they 
have scarcely a moment to keep their own clothing in 
proper repair, much less to attend to the concerns of 
their souls ; their employers seem to think, that every 
moment they sit down, is so much time stolen from 
them. Are there any 'professing christians, who act 
thus ! Yes ; and in so far they are a disgrace to the 
christian name. 

Your method of addressing them, while it accords 
with your station, and partakes of the dignity of supe- 
riority, should be as remote from bitterness and con- 
temptuous pride, as it is from familiarity. Do not 
speak to them as if they were a race of inferior crea- 
tures, whom it almost demeaned you to notice. There 
are some masters and mistresses, who, though they do 
not swear, or storm, or call reproachful names, yet 
have a method of addressing their servants, which 
they would scarcely use to a brute animal. I have 
myself heard tones, and seen looks, which the authors 
of them would not, and did not give to their dogs. 
Servants are not stocks and stones, but men and wo- 
men; and how galling to their feelings, how insulting 
to their rank as rational creatures, must it be to be 
addressed as a reptile race, who were scarcely entitled 
to the most common civilities. And as pride is im- 
proper, so is passion. Masters are commanded to 
"forbear threatening." This is particularly specified, 
because there is a great proneness to this in many, if 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 169 

not in most persons. When an inferior displeases us, 
the temptation to undue sallies of wrath, gusts of pas- 
sion, and threatening words is peculiarly strong. The 
individual is so much below us, and in our power, that 
let us say what we will, we have nothing to fear in 
return. But how mean, and cowardly, and execrable 
is it, to say nothing of the wickedness of such conduct, 
for any one to hector, and bully, and threaten a poor, 
defenceless creature, because we have no need to 
apprehend any thing in the way of revenge. We 
must, as christians, not only be meek, and gentle, and 
patient, but be gentle towards all, to those who are 
below us, as well as' to those who are above us. Oc- 
casions, will of course, often present themselves, when 
it will be necessary to find fault, and to express dis- 
pleasure ; but this should never be done in a passion. 
A Fury never can be respectable : we never go into 
a rage without disgracing ourselves in the eyes of 
our servants : at such times we may be terrible, but 
we cannot be reputable. Abusive epithets and ill 
names lower our dignity, and undermine our authority. 
Mild firmness, rational expostulation, and meek re- 
proof, will do far more both in the way of punishing 
faults, and of reforming them, than petulance and pas- 
sion. Speak kindly to them, then, at all times. Let 
your words, and even your tones, partake of a digni- 
fied courtesy, blending and softening authority with 
good will. At the same time, avoid all familiarity, 
and do not encourage an obtrusive and encroaching 
boldness. You must keep them in their place, and in 
order to this, you must keep yours. Do nothing to 
remove the line of demarcation between you, nor en- 
courage them to step over it. You must not joke with 
them, nor make yourselves merry with them ; you 
must not enter into gossip with them about the float- 
ing occurrences of the neighborhood, nor encourage 
them to bring you tales, nor employ them as your 
purveyors of scandal. Some persons, who would not 
run the risk of being thought busy bodies themselves, 
scruple not to encourage their servants to bring them 
all the news of the town. All this is mischievous in 
15 



170 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



the highest degree, and tends to degrade those who 
are foolish enough to indulge in it, in the eyes of those 
who should be taught to respect them. 

You should manifest an unvarying regard for their 
comfort. Take a deep interest in their welfare, and 
make it clear to them that you wish to see them hap- 
py. Watch over their health, tenderly inquire into 
the cause of their ailments, and by mitigating their 
labor, and procuring them medical assistance, do all 
you can for their recovery. Advise them for their 
good, and refuse not your counsel whenever it can be 
of service to them. Convince them by the whole of 
your conduct, that you are their real friends, and truly 
anxious to make them happy and respectable. 

Bear with patience those lesser infirmities which may 
comport with substantial excellencies. Do not be strict 
to mark, at least with severity, their more trivial 
faults. Some mistresses render their servants mis- 
erable by incessant complaint : they are such slaves 
to excessive neatness, that they are always in bondage 
themselves, and make every body miserable around 
them. No one can please them ; a speck of dust, or 
a drop of rain blown in through the window upon the 
furniture, is sure to bring a cross look or word upon 
the poor, wretched house-maid, who was no more to 
blame than her mistress. 

Kindness to servants, would lead us to administer 
commendation as often as possible, and censure with 
as much lenity, as a due regard to justice will allow. 

" There is a certain moral pleasure which we par- 
ticularly owe them. They may do well, and in doing 
well, they have the same title to our praise, which our 
best actions have to the glory with which we expect 
the world to be ready to reward us. If we withhold 
the approbation which is due, we take from them one 
powerful incentive to continuance of that species of 
conduct which rendered them worthy of approbation ; 
and at the same time, we take from them one of the 
most delightful feelings of which he who has sold his 
freedom is still capable — the feeling that he has done 
something, which was not actually sold with the very 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



171 



labor of his hands — that in the additional duties per- 
formed by him, he has been free still, and that our 
praise is something, which, as it was not an actual 
condition, like the livery and the daily bread, is an 
offering to his own gratuitous virtue. The duty of 
approbation, then, when approbation is due, is another 
of the duties which the master owes to the servant; 
and a duty which, though he may legally withhold it, 
he is not entitled morally to withhold. 

" But servants share not our love of praise only, but 
passions of a less commendable kind. They are as- 
sailed by temptations, like those which assail us ; and 
they sometimes fall, as we too fall. They neglect to 
do what we have desired ; and they often do what is 
positively injurious to us. In such cases, they might 
deserve all our severity of punishment, if we were not 
men, and they were not men. Our reproof they un- 
questionably deserve, not merely because they have 
failed in their part of our mutual contract, but also, 
because our reproof may, even to them be attended 
with moral advantage. Yet though our reproof of 
any gross inattention is not excusable only, but, if we 
consider all its consequences, an act of humanity, it 
is not to be the reproof of one who seems almost 
pleased with the offence itself, in the eagerness 
which is shown to reprehend it. In censuring, we 
are silently to have in mind the human weaknesses 
of our own moral nature ; and to remember, that if 
even we, with better light, and nobler recreations, 
err, the ignorant, who by their very ignorance, are 
incapable of seeing many of the consequences of 
actions, and who have few recreations, but those 
which seduce them from what is good, may still more 
naturally be imagined to err. In condemning them, 
therefore, we condemn ourselves ; or we declare that 
we are frail creatures, of whom less knowledge and 
less virtue are to be expected than from them. There 
are beings with gentle voices, and still gentler eyes, 
and with smiles that seem never to be willed, and 
scarcely even to fade and brighten again, but to be 
almost the native character of the countenance, like 



172 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



the very lustre that is ever blooming on the lip and 
on the cheek ; — there are beings who seem to exist 
thus only in a perpetual moral atmosphere of radiance 
and serenity, that on the sight of a single particle of 
dust on a book, or a table, or a chair, as if in that par- 
ticle, a whole mountain of misery were before them, 
can assume in an instant, all the frowns and thunders 
of all the furies ; whose delicate frame is too weak to 
bear the violent opening of a door, but not too weak, 
after the door is opened, to shake the very floor with 
the violence of their own wrath on the unfortunate 
opener of it."* 

Kindness should lead us to allow our servants all 
possible indulgencies and recreations that are not in- 
compatible with religion. 

They are capable of gratification like ourselves, and 
have the same desire of it ; while at the same time, 
are denied by their very circumstances, access to 
many of those sources of delight which are continu- 
ally open to us. Those who seem to grudge domestic 
servants an occasional remission of their labor, that 
they may have communion with others at the feast of 
innocent enjoyment, convert their service into slavery, 
and render the oppression additionally bitter by the 
circumstance, that it is exercised in the land of free- 
men. I have often been delighted to see the cheerful 
faces of female servants at those meetings which are 
convened for promoting the various objects connected 
with the cause of religion and humanity, and who 
seemed to drink in the streams of eloquence and 
piety, with as eager a thirst, and as exquisite an en- 
joyment, as their more enlightened and better educat- 
ed masters and mistresses. And I have known those, 
who, when going to some neighboring town or village, 
to attend, perhaps, a religious service of a public na- 
ture, have placed a female servant on the box seat of 
the carriage that conveyed them, that she might share 
the pleasures of the day. It is our duty, of course, to 
keep them from all polluting and vitiating amusements, 
but it is not less a duty of benevolence, to give them 



* Dr. Brown's Lectures. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 173 



as often as is convenient to us, and consistent with 
their interests, an opportunity of enjoying the liberty 
and sunshine of innocent and holy pleasure. 

It is no credit, hut very much otherwise, to any family^ 
to be always changing their servants. Some persons 
have as many as there are months in the year. Their 
place has acquired so bad a reputation, that no good 
servant will offer herself for it. It is astonishing how 
extensively the character of every household is known 
amongst persons of this description. Those who keep 
register offices, can tell, perhaps, the repute in which 
most of the families in a town are held, for oftentimes 
upon mentioning a house to one who has applied for a 
place of service, they receive some such reply as this : 
— " I will not offer myself there, for I shall not be kept 
above a month or two if I go." This is not to the 
honor of any one, much less to the professor of reli- 
gion: for, as those who leave the place, are naturally 
enough anxious to justify themselves to their friends, 
they scruple not to tell all the faults of the mistress, 
and oftentimes, of course, with great exaggeration, 
and thus the credit of religion suffers. Besides, what 
a risk is it, where there are children, to be always re- 
ceiving fresh servants into the family ; and what an 
interruption also to domestic comfort. Avoid then, 
unnecessary changes, and every thing that leads to 
them, whether it be bad temper, inflicting excessive 
labor, or striving after unattainable perfection. 

A kind master or mistress will prevent their servants 
from being insulted or oppressed by the child- 
ren. It is really affecting to see what cruel scorn 
and impertinence are, in some families, allowed to be 
practised towards respectable men and women, by 
those little tyrant masters and misses, whose weak 
parents never allow them to be opposed in any thing. 
They may utter the grossest falsehoods, indulge in 
the most wanton and distressing vexation, vent the 
most scurrilous abuse, and utter the foulest epithets 
against the servants, and their pitiless and unjust 
mother or father, with the full knowledge of the fact, 
allow this cruel insolence to continue. Children 
15* 



174 



THE FAMILY MONITOR '. OR 



ought not to be permitted in any kind or degree, to be 
guilty of such impropriety as this. They should be 
kept from being familiar but equally so from being 
impertinent I would never allow a servant to strike 
children, nor to be struck or in any way oppressed by 
them. 

Peculiar attention, partaking at once of respect and 
kindness should be shown to those who have served us 
long and faithfully. " Reckon," says Mr. Jane- 
way, " that one has been a faithful servant to you 
seven years, deserves to be esteemed next to a child 
ever after." Tried fidelity should be marked with pe- 
culiar approbation. At the end of each seven years 
of faithful service you should present them with some 
substantial present, as a token of your respect and 
gratitude, and the present should increase in value at 
the close of each septennial period. Where there is 
wealth to be disposed of by will, I think that aged and 
valuable servants should be remembered. Think how 
much you owe to their faithfulness, how long your 
property has been in their power, which they have 
neither embezzled nor wasted, how constantly you 
have been served by them, how much they have con- 
tributed to your domestic comfort, perhaps, to your 
success. You owe them not only wages but esteem. 

Thirdly. But there are duties of a still higher and 
more sacred character, owed by you to your servants, 
I mean those of religion. 

They have souls, as well as you ; like you, are im- 
mortal creatures ; like you, are sinners ; and like you, 
the objects of redeeming mercy. The very circum- 
stance of their being brought within the comprehen- 
sion of your domestic circle, has made them a part of 
that little community, the spiritual welfare of which, 
you are to promote and to watch, with all possible so- 
licitude. They are members of the domestic consti- 
tution, as well as hired servants. We surely cannot 
suppose, that the fine and extensive power, which is 
lodged by the family compact in the master's hand, 
was vested there for so trivial a purpose as the mere 
payment of those wages and the affording of that 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 175 

sustenance, which are necessary for supplying the 
servant's bodily wants. It is also to be recollected, 
that moral ditties are required from servants, and ought 
therefore to he taught. With what propriety can we 
look for truth, honesty, temperance, chastity, if we 
have never inculcated these virtues ? How can we 
expect they will be faithful in serving us, if we have 
never taught them to serve God in sincerity and truth ? 

L Our first care must be not to oppose their reli- 
gion or to hinder their salvation. We may do this by 
the influence of a bad example. In what a heathenish 
state do some families live ! Heathenish ! No : for 
pagans have their household deities, and make some 
show of religion, though it be a false one, in their 
houses : but great multitudes in this christian land, 
live as if there were no God, and are, to all intents and 
purposes, practical atheists. There is no family prayer, 
no reading of the Scriptures, no observance of the 
Sabbath, no regular attendance upon public worship. 
The holy day of rest is to them, as other days ; they 
keep the same company, and seek the same recrea- 
tions then as at any time besides. Religion is rarely 
introduced, but to be an object of contempt, and a 
source of ridicule. The servants in such families hear 
swearing, perhaps, but no prayer ; see drunkenness, 
but no worship ; witness card playing, dancing, and 
conviviality, but no acknowledgement of God. How 
can such masters expect good servants. If they ha- 
bitually break God*s commands, how can they expect 
their servants to keep theirs ? Unreasonable men, 
can you look for sobriety in them, if you set them the 
example of intoxication ? For chastity, if you teach 
them lewdness ? For truth, if you teach them false- 
hood ? For religion, if you teach them irreligion ? O 
that you would consider that your wickedness ensures 
not only your own damnation, but hazards that of all 
the persons under your charge. Is it liat enough to 
have your own sins laid to your charge, but that you 
must be answerable for your servant's sins also ? Is 
one curse too light, but you must seek to multiply it ? 
Are the flames of hell so cool and tolerable, that you 



176 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



are busy in adding fuel to that terrible fire, to make it 
burn seven times hotter ? Yours will not be the privi- 
lege of perishing alone, but will be the fate of the 
pilot who sinks others with himself. 

Some carry the matter so far, as to hinder the salva- 
tion, of others, not only by example, but by direct 
temptation. How many masters have by their atro- 
cious and murderous arts, corrupted the virtue, blasted 
the reputation, and ruined the souls of those females, 
whom, having received into their house, they were 
bound, by every principle of honor, as well as of reli- 
gion, to protect. Such wretches deserve the gallows 
far more than many who suffer there. How many 
poor unhappy women have been sent by such vile 
transgressors, into the career of prostitution, to an 
early grave, and to that place of punishment, where 
they will meet their seducer to be his tormentor, 
through eternity. Neither a word, nor a look, should 
ever be given to a servant, which has the remotest 
tendency to injure her modesty. 

Nor ought you to tempt them to sin, by employing 
them to practice dishonesty and falsehood in the way 
of trade. Do not engage them in acts of fraud upon 
the revenue ; nor make them the spectators of your 
own evasion of the laws which regulate the taxes ; for 
all such conduct as this, is laying a snare in their way, 
and tempting them to sin. And by what sophistry 
can any one attempt to justify that wicked practice of 
commanding their servants to say to visitors, that they 
are not at home, while they are in the house at the 
very time ? This is teaching falsehood by system, 
and ought we to wonder if our servants should lie to 
us, when we have thus taught them to lie for us ? 
People that make any profession of religion, cannot, 
of course, adopt this iniquitous custom, for it disgraces 
the most general acknowledgement of piety ; but it is 
to be feared that some, who pass for real christians, 
and wish to be thought such, are guilty of many things 
which are quite unworthy of their character, in refe- 
rence to their servants, either by making them the wit- 
nesses or instruments of many evasions, artifices, and 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 177 

dishonorable acts ; and by which they really tempt 
them to go much farther astray on their own account. 
We can easily conceive, with what insufferable loath- 
ing and disgust some such servants must come to the 
domestic altar, at the time of the morning or evening 
sacrifice. It is a most shocking instance of hypocrisy 
when a master says to his servants, " After you have 
done so and so" — alluding to some act of imposition 
upon others — " come to prayer." " Come to prayer," 
one might imagine they reply, " thou hypocrite, what 
to sanctify the dishonesty thou hast just commanded 
us to perform ?" Many who have witnessed these 
things, or any thing like them, have taken an invete- 
rate prejudice against religion, by concluding that all 
its professors are alike, and that all are hypocrites 
together. 

We hinder their salvation, when we keep them away 
from the means of grace. Their work should not be 
so oppressive, even on week days, as to allow them no 
time for reading the Scriptures and prayer; but to 
compel them to spend even their Sabbaths in such a 
manner as to deprive them of an opportunity to hear 
the word of God explained and enforced by the faith- 
ful preaching of the gospel, is to place a most power- 
ful hindrance in the way of their salvation. How 
exceedingly cruel and disgraceful is it to keep them 
from public worship to dress a warm dinner. Without 
affirming that the christian Sabbath is to be observed 
with the same ceremonial strictness as the Jewish 
Sabbath was, we do contend that no unnecessary 
work should be done on that day in our dwellings. 
I suppose no one will contend that a warm dinner is 
necessary. Is it not a crime, then, against the spirit- 
ual welfare of our servants, as well as against God, 
to occupy their Sabbath in preparing for our luxurious 
gratification ? Even as it respects their bodies, it is 
an act of great oppression, for they must need rest 
from their labor, far more than we do : and as it re- 
spects their souls, it takes away both the opportunity 
and the inclination to attend to these : it occupies 
their time in the morning, and unfits them for atten- 



178 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



tion in the afternoon. All who thus employ their 
domestics on the Sabbath, may be truly said to feast 
upon their servants' birth right, and to gratify their 
palate at the expense of their fellow creatures' spirit- 
ual and eternal welfare. How long and how loudly 
shall the voice of indignant and faithful reprobation 
be raised in vain against this sinful practice ? I put 
it to any professing christian's conscience, how he can 
any longer determine thus to hinder the salvation of 
those who are under his care ? Will he not make 
even this small sacrifice for the spiritual welfare of 
the members of his domestic constitution ? Is this 
his professed zeal for God, and compassion for souls ? 
But, perhaps, he will reply, somebody must be at home 
to guard the house. Be it so. But need they be slav- 
ishly occupied in the drudgery of cookery ? If they 
must be deprived of the public means of grace, is it 
necessary that they should be deprived of those that 
are private also? But they will not improve their 
time at home. How do you know? Have you tried 
them? Have you, before you left home, furnished 
them with a suitable portion of reading ? 

In some families, the servants are kept away from 
the house of God far more than they need to be, for 
other purposes besides cooking. If there are two 
children, one must be detained from public worship 
for each, and perhaps a third to guard the house. But 
is this necessary ? I would have all proper care tak- 
en, both of the children, and of the property ; but then 
I would not have more servants than are absolutely ' 
requisite, kept away from the house of God. The 
Sabbath is of more importance to them than it is even 
to us. Their incessant occupation through the week, 
renders it more necessary for them to have a day of 
rest and of leisure to attend to their soul's concerns, 
than it is for us. Nor do I think it enough to grant 
them merely the afternoon of the Lord's day : for that 
is the very part of the Sabbath, which we find to be 
the least edifying to ourselves, and if this be the case 
with us, how much more so must it be with them ? If, 
then, we keep away our servants from suitable public 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 179 

means of grace, we are placing a hindrance in the 
way of their salvation ; for we know that " faith Com- 
eth by hearing, and hearing by the word of God 
and that God hath ordained the preaching of the gos- 
pel for the salvation of men's souls. 

It appears to me, that we tempt our servants to sin 
also, by improper negligence and carelessness about 
many of the more covetable parts of our property. 
Some persons are too much away from home, and 
leave their servants too much to themselves: and 
when they are idle abroad, is it any wonder that their 
domestics should be dishonest at home ? If they will 
gossip away their time by hours, and days, and weeks 
together, can it be wondered at, that their property 
should be wasted by those who are only hired to watch 
it? If you are so much from home, is it not a temp- 
tation to them to invite company ? Is this habit of 
neglecting them the way to make them faithful ? 
Will they not learn idleness from you, and do you not 
know that idleness is a parent of sin ? Or if you tempt 
them not to sin by being too much from home, do you 
not do it by giving them too little employment !> If you 
overwork them, you oppress their bodies ; if you un- 
derwork them, you endanger their souls. It is said 
of the wise and virtuous woman, that she would suffer 
none of her household to eat the bread of idleness. 
You must account, not only for your own time, but for 
theirs also. When your servants are idle, said an old 
author, the devil is at work ; and our idle days are his 
busy ones ; if you find them nothing to do, he will. 
Many have been ruined for both worlds, by having 
nothing to do — but mischief. Do not tempt them to 
sin, by never calling them to account for what is en- 
trusted to their care ; especially in pecuniary matters. 
They may be honest; then keep them so, and put no 
temptation in their way to be otherwise, by not exam- 
ining their accounts. Never let them feel that they 
are irresponsible. If you keep not your eye upon 
them you may find a thief, where you expected to 
find an honest man. It is your prayer for yourself) 
" lead me not into temptation act upon this same 



180 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



principle towards them. Honesty itself should always 
be required to account for the uttermost farthing, and 
will wish to do it. Do not leave your property too 
much exposed. Some go to one extreme, and lock up 
every thing, others go to the opposite extreme, and 
lock up nothing ; and here, as in many other cases, 
extremes meet ; for one tempts to dishonesty by trust- 
ing too little, the other by trusting too much. Money, 
drinkables, and the lighter articles of female dress and 
decoration, should not be left too carelessly about. 
Nor should one party in married life, ever make a 
confederacy with servants to deceive the other. 
Wives should never engage their maids in a scheme 
of falsehood, imposition, or concealment of any kind 
against their husbands, though it be but in trifling- 
matters, for this is teaching them intrigue and dupli- 
city, which may not only be injurious to their own 
character, but seriously detrimental in the end to the 
interests of the family. If a servant be employed by 
the wife, to assist her to conceal any part of the hus- 
band's property, or appropriate it in any way unknown 
to him, she is in that act tempted by her mistress, so 
far as the influence of example goes, to take the same 
liberty on her own account; for she who is employed 
to purloin for another, will soon feel no scruples to 
steal for herself. 

2. It is our duty, not only not to hinder the salvation 
of our servants, but to do every thing in our power to 
promote it. 

Seriously consider your obligation in this particular, 
and that as God sent them under your roof, that you 
might care for their souls, so he will require 
their souls at your hands. Yes, at the day of 
judgement he will say to you, " Give an account of 
those immortal beings which were placed under your 
instruction, inspection, and anxiety." Cherish, then, 
I entreat you, a deep solicitude for their spiritual wel- 
fare, and feel desirous to become the instruments of 
their salvation. In order to this, take care to set 
them a good example, and let them see in you, not 
only nothing that is contrary to religion, but every 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



181 



thing that can recommend it, that so an attractive 
influence may ever be exerted by your character on 
theirs. Many have learnt more of religion by what 
they have seen in their masters and mistresses, than 
by all they have heard from their ministers. They 
will never forget their example. Call them regularly 
to family prayer, and make them the peculiar subjects 
of your earnest supplications, that they may hear your 
entreaties with God on their account, and be the wit- 
nesses of your solicitude for their welfare. See to it 
that they have bibles, and take care that they are 
able to read, for if this be not the case, it is your 
bounden duty to teach them. Furnish them with a 
few well selected books, and thus provide for them a 
kitchen library. Give them opportunities to attend 
public worship, and to keep holy the Sabbath day. 
Keep them not too late at work on Saturday evening, 
lest their worldly business trench upon the Sabbath, 
or unfit them, by excessive fatigue, for its hollowed 
occupations. Instruct them in the principles of true 
religion, that they may have their judgements rightly 
informed, and that they may not perish for lack of 
knowledge. It is a great disgrace to a christian master 
or mistress, if any servants leave their house, without 
knowing, at least in theory, the way of salvation. In 
addition to this, you should talk to them in the most 
affectionate manner on their soul's concerns, warning 
them to flee from the wrath to come, and directing 
them to the Lamb of God who taketh away the sin of 
the world. Give them no rest till you have prevailed 
upon them to seek in good earnest, the one thing 
needful. Observe what company they keep, and 
caution them against such as would lead them astray. 
Acquaint yourselves with the books they read, and 
examine what they understand and remember of the 
sermons they hear. Do all you can to convince them 
of the reasonableness, profit, and sweetness of true 
religion, and of the folly, and danger, and misery of 
living without it. If you see no fruit of your exer- 
tions at first, do not be weary of well doing, but per- 
severe in your anxious and judicious efforts, Should 
16 



182 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



you notice any solicitude about their souls, nourish to 
the uttermost their impressions, by giving suitable 
advice and proper books. Encourage them, when 
you are convinced of their true conversion, to connect 
themselves with the church of Christ, and thus to 
make a public profession of religion. O, if you should 
be the instrument of saving the souls of your servants, 
what an honor and a happiness will be conferred upon 
you ! How many have been so honored ; and in what 
bonds have their servants been held to them for ever 
after in this life. 

To influence you to the performance of these du- 
ties, I may call upon you, to remember that your Mas- 
ter also is in heaven, and to consider what a master he 
is to you. Meditate upon his attributes, and upon the 
manner in which they are manifested in all his con- 
duct towards you. How righteous, how faithful, how 
holy, how true, how merciful is he in his dealings to- 
wards his servants. And it is your duty to be like 
him. When in danger of acting improperly, either 
by want of equity or kindness, O think of God ; medi- 
tate on his matchless grace, and surely such a reflec- 
tion will be an immediate check to every kind, and 
every degree of impropriety. To him also you are 
accountable, and accountable, as for your conduct in 
general, so also for your behavior to your servants. 
Prepare to meet Him in that awful day, and to meet 
them also at his bar ! ! 

Consider how much your servants need this kind in- 
terposition for their welfare. They are often young, 
inexperienced, and ignorant; rash, and imprudent; 
and they are also an unprotected and dependant race. 
I know not a class of persons whose situation is more 
calculated to awaken our tenderest sympathies, than 
domestic female servants. Many of them are orphans, 
and have no friend in the world beyond their employ- 
ers ; and no home but what they find in their master's 
house. When they leave one place of service, they 
often know not where to find their next home, and are 
thus repeatedly beginning the world, and setting out 
on the journey of life afresh. How many dangers are 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



183 



they exposed to ! How many snares are laid for their 
feet! Masters and mistresses, be kind to them, they 
have found a refuge in your house, and let them find 
friends in you. Pity their condition, and labor to the 
uttermost for their welfare. You may be the means 
of blessing them for both worlds, and become their 
spiritual fathers and mothers, as well as their temporal 
masters and mistresses. Their souls may be given to 
your kind solicitude, to be your crown of rejoicing in 
the day of eternity. 

The honor of religion is most deeply involved in 
the way in which you discharge your duties. Bad 
masters and mistresses bring great dishonor upon 
Christianity ; while on the other hand, they who in 
this situation, exhibit whatsoever things are pure, and 
true, and honest, and just, and lovely, and of good re- 
port; who abound in that love which is not easily 
provoked, and thinketh no evil, and is kind ; who have 
the meekness and gentleness of Christ ; and who put 
on bowels of mercy, are bright ornaments of their pro- 
fession, and adorn the doctrine of God their Saviour 
in all things. A good master or mistress is indeed 
a most honorable character; good men esteem it, 
bad men admire it, the world values it, the church 
applauds it, angels delight in it, and God commends 
and rewards it. Eyes too dim to see the beauties of 
holiness in the abstract, discern the excellence of this, 
and tongues that never speak of religion generally, 
but to scoff at it, are eloquent in the praise of this. I 
conjure you, then, by all the regard you bear to the 
honor of religion, strive to excel in this your appro- 
priate duty. 

Interest pleads with you for this. Consider how 
much your own happiness will be promoted, by seeing 
others happy around you. The heart of that man can- 
not be in the state in which it ought to be, who is not 
pleased to see around him in his dwelling, a circle of 
happy minds and smiling countenances. A good mas- 
ter, or a kind mistress, is a kind of central luminary in 
the domestic system, and every child and every servant 
an attendant satellite, revolving in the force of his 



184 



THE FAMILY MONITOR '. OR 



attraction, and reflecting the brightness of his glory. 
Or to change the metaphor, he is a fountain of glad- 
ness, continually sending forth in kindness and kind 
actions, streams of pleasure to all that are in the house. 
And then good masters and mistresses, make good 
servants, or find them. When I hear persons com- 
plain, that they cannot find good servants, I suspect 
the fault is their own, and that they have a bad char- 
acter, for their conduct towards their domestics. If 
they are tormented, have they not been tormentors ? 
If they can get no one to serve them willingly, and 
honestly, have they been generous and kind ? If 
they find none but such as are wicked, have they 
tried to make them holy ? If they complain of their 
lying, their lewdness, their theft, have they not been 
so selfish as to seek to produce right dispositions to- 
wards themselves, without endeavoring to found these 
dispositions on a right state of mind towards God ? 
Try, then, to conduct yourselves rightly to those, 
whom you have so much interest in making what 
they should be. Body, soul, estate, wife, children, 
character, comfort, all are more or less concerned in 
this matter. Your servants may rob or enrich you ; 
may defend your reputation or blast it ; may corrupt 
your children, or improve them ; may tempt you to 
sin, or warn you against it; may injure your health, 
or protect it ; may bless you by their prayers, or curse 
you by their vices ; may render your dwelling contin- 
ually pleasant, or perpetually miserable : your own 
interest, therefore, unites with God's commands, to 
make it your wisdom and your duty, to train your 
servants as well as your children in the fear of the 
Lord. 

" What have you to say against what I have been 
persuading you to ? Will you not now, without delay, 
bewail your former neglect, and in good earnest set 
to your work, like persons that in some measure, 
know the power of divine precepts, the worth of 
souls, and the greatness of the charge that lieth upon 
you? O that there were in you such a heart. O 
that all masters of families were resolved for that 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



185 



which humanity, reason, interest, reputation, and their 
comfort call for, as well as the law of God, and men 
oblige them to. What blessed families then should 
we have ! What noble corporations ! What glorious 
cities! Might not holiness to the Lord, be writ- 
ten upon every door ? O, when shall it once be." 



CHAPTER VII. 



THE DUTIES OF SERVANTS. 

*' Servants, be obedient unto them that are your masters, according 
to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as 
unto Christ : not with eye service, as men pleasers ; but as the serv- 
ants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart ; with good will, 
doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men : knowing, that what- 
soever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the 
Lord, whether he be bond or free." Ephes. vi. 5 — 8. 

" Honor and shame from no condition rise, 
Act well your part — there all the honor lies." 

God is the creator of all things, and the disposer of 
all events : he is, therefore, the author of all those 
varieties which are to be found in nature, and of all 
those differences which exist in society. He that 
formed the sun to illuminate, and to rule, formed also 
the planets to be enlightened and to be governed ; 
and he that raiseth the king to the throne, ordaineth 
the lot of the servant in the house, and of the laborer 
in the field. There is no such thing as chance ; no, 
not in the material universe, where each bird that 
flies, each insect that crawls, each flower that blooms, 
amidst the desert, which man's eye never explores, is 
the separate production of divine power and skill, no 
less than the Alpine height which lifts its snow crown- 
ed summit to the skies, and receives the admiring con- 
templation of millions. Nor is there any such thing 
as chance in society ; the rank and station of the poor 
little servant girl in the humblest dwelling of the most 



186 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



obscure village, are as certainly determined by God, 
as the elevation of the conqueror and ruler of nations. 
" The lot is cast into the lap, but the disposal thereof 
is from the Lord." " The rich and the poor meet to- 
gether, but the Lord is the disposer of them all i. e* 
not simply their creator, as men, but the disposer of 
their circumstances as rich and poor. This is com- 
forting, this is reconciling. It prevents the poor from 
being degraded in their own eyes, or in the eyes of 
others. They are not like the dust, or the chips, or the 
dried and withered leaves in autumn, which, amidst the 
more stately objects of nature or art, are blown about 
by the gusts which sweep along the surface ; but they 
are in the place which God intended for them ; and 
God hath made every thing beautiful in its place and 
season. Who could have mended what he hath done ? 
What cause have we to sit down contented and thank- 
ful in the place which he hath ordained for us ! What 
obligation was he under to give us existence ? And 
what did he owe to us that he should have made us 
rational creatures, and not formed us a beast, or a 
reptile ? " Shall the thing formed, say to him that 
formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?" 

As God disposeth every thing, so it is the highest 
excellence of a creature, to discharge the duties of 
his station, and to shine in the orbit, and move with 
regularity through the course allotted to him. A 
good servant is more honorable than a bad master ; 
and a valuable subject than a worthless prince. He 
that is not relatively good, is not really so ; while he 
that acts his part well, is more truly dignified, though 
his rank be low, than he that stands on a pinnacle, but 
fails in the duty of his elevated station. What is true 
honor ? Not riches, not rank, not beauty, not learn- 
ing, not courage. No. But virtue ; whether it be 
clad in the garb of poverty, or the robe of affluence ; 
whether it hold the plough, or grasp the sceptre ; 
whether it be seated at the table, or stand behind the 
chair. Virtue is honor; let all servants write this 
sentiment on the heart, and ever act under its influ- 
ence, as the living principle of all their conduct 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 187 



In stating, after these preliminary remarks, the du- 
ties of servants, I would remind them, 

First. That there are some which they oive to them- 
selves, the performance of which will constitute the 
best and surest foundation of those which they owe to 
others. 

1. Religion takes the lead of all. 

Religion is as much your business, as it is ours. 
You are immortal creatures, you are sinners, you are 
the objects of God's mercy in Christ Jesus, and invited 
to seek pardon, peace, and eternal life, as well as we 
your employers. You have souls that must surfer 
eternal torments in hell, or enjoy everlasting happi- 
ness in heaven. You must be convinced of sin, re- 
pent, confess to God, cry for mercy, commit your 
souls into the hands of Christ by faith, be born again 
of the Holy Ghost, lead a sober, righteous, and godly 
life, or you must depart accursed into everlasting fire, 
prepared for the devil and his angels. God is as wil- 
ling to have mercy upon you ; Jesus Christ is as ready 
to receive you, as he is us. Your soul is as precious 
in the eye of heaven as ours. God is no respecter of 
persons, and is not to be considered as less friendly 
to your best interests, because he has placed you in 
service. Your situation is no excuse, therefore, for 
your neglecting the claims of religion. You are not 
to imagine that attention to your souls' concerns is 
not required from you ; for it is required : and I repeat 
it, unless you repent, and are born again, and believe 
in Christ, you will perish eternally. Your soul is 
your first concern, and must not be neglected for any 
thing. Think not that it is impossible for a person in 
your situation to attend to religion ; for it is possible. 
Great multitudes of servants, both male and female, 
are truly pious. I have twenty or thirty in the church 
under my care, who are among its most consistent 
members. I charge you all to live in the fear of God. 
Remember your Creator. Set the Lord always before 
you. Consider, that he is ever about your path, and 
that you act, speak, and think in his presence. He is 
now the holy and ever present witness, and will here- 
after be the inflexible judge of your actions. 



188 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



In order to cultivate religion, go not into wicked 
families, where the Sabbath is profaned, the claims of 
piety are despised and rejected, and you can have no 
opportunity of going to public worship. Do not dwell 
in a place where your Sabbath is taken away from 
you ; let no amount of wages tempt you to go or to 
remain in such a situation. Always stipulate for the 
privilege of going at least one part of the Lord's day, 
to the house of God. Insist upon it as your right, 
and suffer nothing to deprive you of it. Endeavor 
to find a little time for reading the Bible, and for 
prayer. Never go out of your room in the morning, 
nor lie down on your pillow at night, without reading 
a portion, even though it be a short one, of God's 
holy word, and earnestly praying for his mercy. Let 
religion be the basis of all your conduct, the very 
frame-work of your character, leading you to practise 
" whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are 
honest, whatsoever things are just, and pure, and 
lovely, and of good report." Do not, then, as you 
would escape the torments of hell, do not, as you 
would be brought at last to the felicities of heaven, 
do not neglect your souls. " Godliness is profit- 
able for all things, having the promise of the life that 
now is, as well as of that which is to come." Your 
situation is a very dangerous one ; you are in a very 
unprotected state ; and you need the fear of God to 
enable you to depart from evil. Men, and women too, 
of bad principles, are lying in wait for you, spreading 
snares for your feet, and seeking your ruin. Religion 
will guard you, and guide you, and comfort you : it 
will keep you in safety, and raise you to respectability. 
" Exalt her, and she shall promote thee, she shall lead 
thee to honor when thou dost embrace her." 

2 A regard to truth, is another very important 
duty, and which you will be sure to perform if you fear 
God. This duty you owe to your employers also ; but 
while the inconvenience of the neglect of it will be 
felt by them, the more dreadful consequence of that 
neglect will be yours. 

Lying is a most hateful and wicked practice. And 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 189 

it is said, that " all liars shall have their portion in the 
lake that burnetii with fire." Strive to avoid every 
thing in your conduct, that needs a sin to cover it: 
but If you have at any time done any thing wrong, do 
not make one sin two, by telling a falsehood to con- 
ceal the matter. Let no temptation induce you to 
violate a truth ; rather endure the passion, or the bit- 
terest wrath of the severest master or mistress, than 
strive to avert it by a falsehood. Lying is bad policy, 
as well as great wickedness ; for, when once detected 
in this vice, you will ever afterwards be suspected, 
even when you tell the truth. A servant, whose 
word can be implicitly relied upon, will always be 
esteemed. Such a virtue will be made to extend a 
friendly covering over many little faults. Never 
allow yourselves to be tempted by your master or 
mistress to commit a breach of truth. Inform them 
at once, that they must tell their own falsehoods, for 
that you cannot do it for them. A clerk once waited 
upon me, to ask me what he was to do in a situation, 
where he was obliged weekly to make a false written 
return in his own name, to defraud a public company, 
for the benefit of his employer. " Do," said I, with 
surprise that the question should have been asked me, 
" instantly refuse ; and rather cast yourself and your 
family the next hour upon Providence, than ever re- 
peat the falsehood." You must not, dare not, lie for 
others any more than for yourselves. If required to 
adopt the modern practice, of saying, your mistress is 
not at home, when she is at the same time in the 
house ; you dare not comply, for it is a falsehood, 
and as such, is a sin against God. When you are 
put by your employers upon committing any sin, 
whether it be cheating, calumny, lying, or any thing 
else forbidden by the Scriptures, let your reply be, 
" How can I do tnis great wickedness, and sin against 
God?" 

3. Sobriety is a virtue you owe to yourselves, and 
also to your masters ; but, as in the case of lying, the 
injury done by intoxication to yourselves, is far greater 
than that which you inflict upon them. 



190 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Beware of the besotting, impoverishing", damning' 
sin of drunkenness, and of every thing that leads to 
it. Household servants have many opportunities, and 
many temptations to practise this vice, if there be any 
propensity to indulge in it. It is impossible even for 
the most rigid watchfulness always to keep out of 
their reach, the mault liquor, the spirits, and the wine ; 
there are means of gaining access by stealth, to these 
things, on the part of a vicious and ingenious servant, 
which no vigilant mistress can altogether prevent. If 
we cannot trust these things to the guardianship of your 
principles, our locks and keys will often be found an 
insufficient security. Do, do consider, that if the habit 
of drunkenness be once contracted, it is all over ; and 
most probably you are ruined for both worlds. Let 
there be a distinct understanding between you and 
your master or mistress, what beverage you are to be 
allowed, both as to quality and quantity, and most 
sacredly abstain from touching a drop more, or a drop 
of any thing else. Never put the decanters to your 
lips, when the stoppers are all out before you. Stolen 
drams of this kind are double poison, they are venom 
for the body, and damnation for the soul : they lead to 
two crimes at once, drunkenness and dishonesty. Be- 
ware of the temptation which is presented at those 
times, when company is in the house, and when, 
through the supposition, that extra exertion requires 
an additional glass, you may be led to take it, to love 
it, and to acquire the habit of it. I have known excel- 
lent servants, both male and female, ruined forever by 
intoxication. 

As to workmen, the daily servants that occupy the 
manufactories, this vice is the damning sin that is 
speading immorality, desolation, and misery through 
almost the whole laboring population of the commu- 
nity. It is distressing beyond the power of language 
to describe, to think of the effects of this most pre- 
valent, most dreadful infatuation. How many fine 
athletic forms are enervated ; how many wives are 
broken-hearted; how many families are reduced to 
beggary ; how many souls are damned continually, by 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



191 



this crime. Drunken servants are the torment of 
almost all our master manufacturers, the curse upon our 
commerce, and the blight upon our national prosperity. 

4. Chastity is a duty of infinite importance to the 
well being of servants. 

I am now on delicate ground, and I will endeavor 
to step with caution; but no false refinement shall 
hinder me from discharging a duty, which, as a guar- 
dian of the public morals, I owe to a very large, and 
a very much exposed class of my fellow creatures. I 
will not allow a prudish and affected sentimentalism 
to turn away my holy and benevolent concern from 
the interests of female servants, nor prevent me from 
addressing to them the language of warning and ex- 
postulation. When the miseries of prostitution are 
considered, and when the prevalence of this desolat- 
ing crime, and all its attendant evils is at once admit- 
ted and deplored ; when it is well known, that of the 
miserable and loathsome victims of seduction that 
crowd the paths of vice, a very large proportion were 
female servants, betrayed from the ways of virtue, in 
the first instance, by their masters, or their masters' 
sons, or their fellow servants of the opposite sex, 
surely it is the duty of every one who is specially ad- 
dressing young women in service, most solemnly and 
most pointedly to warn them against the wily arts of 
the basilisk seducer, who is fascinating them to their 
ruin. Young women consider the value, even in this 
world, of your character. With an unblemished re- 
putation, you are respectable in servitude : your vir- 
tue is your parents' honest pride, your families' only 
renown, and your own wealth and honor : this will be 
your passport through the world, your letter of recom- 
mendation to good society, and that which will find 
you friends, and make them, and keep them, wherever 
Providence may cast your lot. But if this be lost, 
oh, what a poor, forlorn, withered, wretched creature 
you become ; abandoned by your seducer, ejected 
from your place, disowned by your friends, you have 
the pains, and the cares, and the labors of a mother, 
but united with the infamy of a prostitute ; you have 



192 THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 

to bear the scorn of the world, the look and language 
of shame-stricken, heart-broken parents from without, 
and the ceaseless reproach and remorse of a guilty 
conscience from within ; and all this, perhaps, but as 
preliminary to the misery which the prostitute endures, 
through her loathsome course on earth, and its awful 
termination in hell. Take warning, then, and reject 
with disdain and virtuous indignation, the very first 
encroachments that may be made, by any one, upon 
the most delicate modesty and reserve. Have you 
been unfortunate enough to draw upon yourself the 
attention of a master, or a master's son, consider, it is 
with the eye of lust, not of love, - that he looks upon 
you ; he may flatter your vanity by his admiration of 
your person, but it is the flattery of a murderer ; he 
cannot mean any thing that is honorable ; his passion, 
that he talks of, is a base, ruffian-like, deliberate pur- 
pose to ruin you. Turn from him, flee from him with 
more haste than you would from a serpent or a tiger, 
for more than a serpent or a tiger he is to be shunned 
by you. Make him feel that you are his superior in 
virtue, though his inferior in rank. If, on the other 
hand, you allow him to accomplish his purpose, and 
decoy you to perdition, he will in cold-blooded, re- 
morseless cruelty, abandon you and your child to a 
work-house, to a broken heart, and the bottomless pit. 

Act in the same determined manner towards every 
one else. Preserve not only your virtue itself, but 
your modesty, which is its outwork. Allow neither 
act, nor word, nor look in your presence, which is at 
variance with the most scrupulous purity. Let no 
prospect nor promise of marriage, throw you off your 
guard. The man who acts thus, is to be regarded as 
a traitor deceiving you into iniquity. He that would 
destroy your reputation, will not scruple to falsify his 
own word ; the vows of such a wretch are not to be 
trusted. Be careful to whom you give your company. 
Let not an anxiety to leave service, and be your own 
mistress, drive you to accept the offer of the first indi- 
vidual, suitable or unsuitable, who may present him- 
self to your notice. 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



193 



5. Frugality is an incumbent duty upon persons 
in your situation. 

You are in very dependant circumstances. Your 
support depends upon your own labor, and that upon 
your health. You have no arm but your own to rely 
upon, and should therefore feel the obligation of lay- 
ing up something in the day of prosperity, against the 
night of adversity. We are all enjoined to trust Pro- 
vidence, but not to tempt it. To spend all we get in 
vanity and useless trifles, under the idea that we 
shall be taken care of, in one way or other, is a pre- 
sumption that generally brings its own punishment 
There is in the present day, a most censurable pro- 
pensity in female servants, and workwomen in general, 
to dress quite beyond their station. It is not easy, in 
some cases, to distinguish between the maid and her 
mistress. What abject folly is it, for a young woman 
to spend all her wages in gay apparel. When she is 
in ill health and out of place, will it be any consola- 
tion to look upon finery which she is obliged to pawn, 
one article after another for her support ? The love 
of dress has led in some instances to stealing; in 
others, to prostitution ; in more, to poverty. Character 
is respectability, not dress. Harlots are generally fine 
and gaudy in their attire. Economize your little 
property, then ; lay up in store for the time to come. 
I know several servants who have, one forty, another 
fifty, another one hundred pounds in the bank. Be- 
sides, it is desirable to save from unnecessary expense 
in dress, that you may have a little to give to the cause 
of humanity and religion. The mite of the servant 
may mingle, in this age, with the pound of the master, 
to help in spreading the blessings of Christianity over the 
face of the earth. And it is to be poor indeed, to have 
nothing to give to the cause of humanity or religion. 

Secondly. I now lay before you, the duties you owe 

tO YOUR EMPLOYERS. 

1. Honor them : for they are your superiors in sta- 
tion. Pay them the respect which is due to them, and 
in order to this, cherish for them a proper reverence 
in your heart. " Let as many servants as are under 



194 



THE FAMILY MONITOR \ OR 



the yoke," said the apostle, " count their own masters 
worthy of all honor." Behave towards them with all 
proper humility and submission : not that you are to 
crouch and tremble before them, like slaves at the 
foot of a tyrant. Your address to them must be rev- 
erential, not rude, boisterous, and impertinent. In 
talking of them to others, in their absence, there 
should be no calling them names, no exposure of 
their faults, no ridiculing their infirmities ; on the 
contrary, you should, to the utmost of your power, as 
far as truth will allow, defend them against the at- 
tacks of slander, and the arts of detraction. If, at any 
time, they speak to you with tones of anger, and in 
the language of rebuke, you must remember the 
apostle's injunction, and " not answer again? You 
may mildly and meekly explain, and sometimes ex- 
postulate, but you must not reply in an angr/ and 
impertinent manner. Should they so far forget their 
duty, as to let down their dignity, and be too familiar, 
do not forget your place, but respectfully keep your 
proper distance. Every thing rude in conduct, and 
obtrusive, insolent or familiar in language, must, there- 
fore, be most sedulously avoided, as an essential part 
of servants' conduct towards their employers. 

2. Obedience is founded upon reverence, and is a 
necessary part of it. Observe the directions of the 
apostle Paul. " Servants, obey in all things your 
masters according to the flesh." We are of course 
to except those things which are contrary to the word 
of God ; for if they enjoin any thing that is manifestly 
sinful, you must mildly, but firmly, refuse to comply, 
and be prepared to take all the consequences of your 
disobedience. In all other matters, however self-de- 
nying or difficult, however contrary to your own views 
and wishes, you must submit ; you are not to choose 
your commands, but in all things to obey. You are 
to obey " with fear and trembling" i. e. with reveren- 
tial regard for their authority, a dread of their dis- 
pleasure, and also, which is probably the apostle's 
meaning, with a dread of the anger of God, who, hav- 
ing enjoined obedience, will punish the disobedient, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 195 



You are to obey " in singleness of heart" i. e. with a 
willing and cheerful mind ; and not with a mere com- 
pulsory outside show of submission, and are to be free 
from all selfish personal ends, and obey from the sin- 
gle consideration, that it is right. You are to do this, 
" as unto Christ, as the servants of Christ, doing the 
will of God from the heart, ivith good will, doing ser- 
vice as to the Lord, and not to men" You must con- 
sider, that God commands it, and therefore you are to 
obey them, as obeying God ; they are in God's stead, 
in this particular, to you ; and from a regard to con- 
science, and a respect to the divine authority, you are 
to do what they enjoin. " I do this," you are to say, 
in reference to obedience, " not merely to please my 
master and my mistress, but to please God." This is 
turning all you do into religion. It signifies nothing, 
what is the nature of the thing, whether it be an act 
of the most menial kind, in the kitchen, the parlor, or 
the garden, if it be done with a view to the divine 
command, that very aim elevates the humble service 
into an expression of piety towards God, and a service 
that will be remembered in the day of judgement. 
You are not to obey, " with eye service, as men pleas- 
ers" How many are there, who need a master's eye 
always upon them, to keep them industrious. No 
sooner is his back turned, than they are indolent and 
neglectful. This conduct is as mean as it is wicked : 
it is detestable hypocrisy, flagrant injustice, and man- 
ifest wickedness : for is it nothing that the eye of God is 
upon you ? Is he not there ? Does he not disapprove 
this conduct ? And is it a small matter to make light 
of his presence ? Such servants will shortly find to 
their fearful cost, that the eye of God is far more to 
be dreaded, than the eye of the severest master. 

Let it be your delight to do the will of your employers. 
Strive to please them in all things, and feel anxious to 
draw from them this testimony, — " There is a servant, 
to whom no command, which it is in her power to obey, 
comes unwelcome ; who never need be told a second 
time to do a thing ; who anticipates my orders ; and 
whose very pleasure seems to arise from pleasing me." 



196 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



3. Good temper is of great consequence. 

There are some servants who, let what work will 
come in unexpectedly, and even oppressively, receive 
all with a cheerful acquiescence, and are never put 
out of their way. Their mistresses are never afraid 
of telling them of unlooked for company having arriv- 
ed, and extra exertion being necessary. While there 
are others, who, with many valuable qualities, are 
withal, so peevish, so soon put out of temper, so cross 
at any little unexpected addition being made to their 
work, that their mistresses are in constant bondage. 
I like not to hear it said, " She is a very good servant, 
and has many excellent properties, but her temper is 
so bad, that I am quite afraid to point out to her, in 
ever so gentle a manner, the least imperfection, or to 
put her in the smallest degree out of her way." This 
is a serious blemish upon any excellence, and often 
proves a very great interruption to the comfort of the 
family, but a still greater interruption to the comfort 
of the poor waspish creature herself. Temper is not 
every thing, but it is very important. Study, there- 
fore, to be obliging, and to avoid crossness, sullenness, 
and passion. 

4. Fidelity is a duty of the highest rank. 
What a delightful testimony is that which our Lord 

Jesus Christ is represented as bearing to his people 
at the last day, — " Well done, good and faithful 
servant." Such also is the testimony, which it should 
be in our power to bear to our servants. Fidelity has 
reference — 

To the property of your masters. 

Faithful servants will not actually steal the prop- 
erty of their masters. There are opportunities of this 
every where if you choose to avail yourselves of them. 
Consider the horrible disgrace of being called a thief ; 
and add to this, the danger in the present world, and 
the punishment of such a crime in the next. Write 
the eighth commandment upon your heart, and when 
tempted by a favorable opportunity to embezzle the 
property of your employer, let a voice more awful 
than thunder, repeat in your ears the prohibition, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



197 



" Thou shalt not steal." At that perilous moment in 
your history, let your imagination look up, and behold 
the flaming eye of God, intently gazing upon you. In 
whatever profusion, money, plate, jewelry, lace, may 
be spread out before you, touch not, covet not. De- 
termine, by God's grace, that though you be ever so 
poor, you will at least be honest. Honesty is indeed 
the best policy, to go no higher for a motive of com- 
mendation. A single act of stealing may blast your 
reputation for ever ; even to be suspected, is dreadful : 
but what inestimable value is attached to a servant of 
tried honesty. Be honest even to scrupulosity. Touch 
nothing in the house in the way of eatables or drink- 
ables, which you do not consider as belonging to you. 
If you want to taste the luxuries of the larder, ask for 
them ; but do not appropriate to yourself what you 
think would be denied. I have read of a servant who 
went into the pantry, only to make free with sweet- 
meats, but seeing some articles of plate lying about, 
he took these, and went on from one degree of theft 
to another, till he died at the gallows. He was under 
the influence of a thievish disposition when he saw 
the plate, for he was going to take what he had no 
right to, and he was in a favorable state of mind to be 
tempted by satan to a greater crime. Servants should 
not allow themselves to appropriate any refuse articles 
of dress, nor give away the broken victuals, or other 
articles of the kitchen, without permission. Habits 
begin in acts ; little sins lead on to greater ones. She 
that commences by taking a sweetmeat, knowing that 
she is not allowed it, has violated so far, her integrity, 
has done something to benumb her conscience, and 
has taken the first step towards confirmed dishonesty. 
Sin is deceitful ; and the way of a sinner is like the 
course of a ball, down hill. Servants beware of the 
first act of sin. But fidelity, in reference to property, 
requires not only that you should not embezzle your 
master's property, but that you should not waste 
it. They that carelessly waste, are almost as guilty 
as they that wilfully steal. You cannot be an honest 
servant, unless you are as careful of your employer's 



198 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



property, as if it were your own. Furniture, goods, 
provisions, must all be thus preserved. You are not 
to say, " My master is rich, he can spare it, and we 
need not be so niggardly." His wealth is nothing to 
you : if he chooses to waste it, he has a legal right 
to do so, but you have none. 

Nor is this all, for fidelity requires, that servants 
should do all they can to make their employer's affairs 
prosper. They should grieve over their master's losses, 
rejoice in his success, and so identify their feelings 
with his interests, as to seem as if their fortune were 
bound up with his. We have a fine instance of this, 
in the case of Joseph while he was in the house of 
Potiphar. 

Fidelity would also lead them to give their employ- 
ers information and warning when their affairs are 
going wrong, either through their own neglect or 
ignorance, or through the injurious conduct of others. 
They cannot be honest, if they witness in silence any 
fraud practised upon them, either by their fellow 
servants, or by friends or strangers. Such conniv- 
ance is a participation of the crime, although it should 
not be rewarded by any participation of the profits. 
A proper feeling of concern for your master's welfare, 
would certainly lead you, if he were flagrantly neg- 
lectful of his affars, to suggest to him in a respect- 
ful manner, your apprehension of the consequences. 
What man, except a fool or a madman, would be 
offended by such an appeal as the following, made to 
him by a servant : — " Pardon me, Sir, if I take the 
liberty of expressing my fears on the subject of your 
business, which I am induced to do, by a sense of my 
own duty, and a true regard to your welfare. Your 
business is certainly declining, and I fear, through 
your being so frequently absent from it. Customers 
are offended by not meeting with the principal in the 
shop, and by finding the stock so low and ill assorted. 
I am so concerned for your family, and so distressed 
at the idea of your doing otherwise than well, that at 
the risk of incurring your displeasure, which I en- 
treat you not to indulge against me, for this self-de- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 199 

nying act of faithful service, I have determined to lay 
the matter before you, and to beg of you to give up 
your company, to look into your accounts, and to at- 
tend more closely to your business." A servant that 
would do this, and in this manner, is fidelity embodied, 
and is a treasure beyond all price. 

But faithfulness has a reference also to a master's 
time, for in many instances, time is property, and 
servants may as effectually rob their masters by idle- 
ness, as by stealing. This is always the case where 
they are hired by the day ; and indeed, where, as in 
many branches of manufacture, they are paid by the 
piece, if by their idleness, they prevent their employ- 
ers from executing orders, and realizing profits, they 
can scarcely be called faithful. When you hire your- 
selves, there should be an explicit understanding, as 
I have already said, how much time you are to render 
for the stipulated wages, and when this is known, all 
that by indolence you keep back, is just so much of 
your employer's property stolen from him. 

Faithfulness has regard to the reputation of your 
master or mistress. You have their character in your 
hands, and by calumny and falsehood, may, if such a 
malicious disposition were in your heart, do them con- 
siderable harm, either by stating what is absolutely 
false, misrepresenting what is true, magnifying what 
is little, or exaggerating what is insignificant. Re- 
member, it is the utmost excess of base conduct, and 
the wickedest kind of dishonesty, to attempt to rob 
them of their good name. 

Then there are also secrets which it would be a very 
unfaithful act in you to disclose. Workmen, clerks, 
and apprentices, are guilty of great impropriety, if 
they communicate the private arts of their master's 
business, or lay open his connexions to any one. Such 
an act, is by common opinion, an instance of criminal 
treachery. Female servants ought not to tell to oth- 
ers, what they see and hear in the families where 
they are placed. It is to be apprehended, that much 
of the gossip, and many of the reports, which circulate 
so much slander and detraction through society, are to 



200 



THE FAMILY MONITOR \ OR 



be traced up to this source. You are not forbidden to 
form friendships with your fellow servants in other fa- 
milies, but to meet merely for the purpose of exchang- 
ing intelligence from the respective households in 
which you live, is highly censurable. You should 
maintain the strictest silence on these affairs, and not 
allow the most busy and inquisitive curiosity of others, 
to draw any thing from you. Nor are you to tell these 
matters, as is often done, to one particular friend ; 
for she may tell them to one more, till at length the 
affairs of the family are matter of public notoriety. 
Your admission into a family is attended with an im- 
plied condition, that you are to keep all its secrets. 

5. Diligence is another duty, but is so necessarily 
connected with honesty, and indeed, so essentially a 
part of it, that much need not be said, in addition, to 
illustrate and enforce it. The slothful servant is a 
wicked one, for in some instances, more mischief may 
be done by a day's idleness, than others may be able 
to undo by a year's exertion. The habits of a slug- 
gard are very unfriendly to your own reputation, and 
to the comfort of the family by whom you are employ- 
ed. Early rising is absolutely indispensable, if in 
addition to the duties of your station, you would at- 
tend to the salvation of your soul. And will you not 
sacrifice half an hour's sleep, for the purpose of seek- 
ing glory, honor, immortality, and eternal life ? Dili- 
gence is opposed to sauntering, inactive, and gossiping 
habits ; to a slow, reluctant, grudging way of doing 
your work. A disposition to stint your labor, to do as 
little as you possibly can, and to do that little, in a 
careless, unneat, half-finished manner, is a great blem- 
ish in your character, and will be sure to militate 
against your interest. 

6. Gratitude for kindnesses shown you, is very in- 
cumbent. 

You ought to be thankful for having your faults 
pointed out, and not resentful, as too many are, to- 
wards those who are kind enough to shew them what 
is wrong. If you have received kind attentions in 
sickness, and have discovered a constant solicitude 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 201 



on the part of your employers to soften as much as 
possible your labor, and to render you comfortable 
in your situation, you should convince them that 
their attentions are not thrown away upon one, who 
is insensible to their kindness. Especially if they 
have taken pains to promote your interest, by warn- 
ing you against bad company, or by endeavoring to 
correct your bad practices, you should be grateful for 
their pains, and endeavor to comply with their advice. 

7. In all such cases as those mentioned, where your 
masters and mistresses are your friends, and confer 
obligations by their kindness, you should be truly and 
cordially attached to them. 

Where there is really nothing to produce attach- 
ment, you cannot be expected to feel any. You can- 
not be required to feel gratitude, where you have 
received no favors ; nor to cherish affection, where 
you have met with no indulgence. But all masters 
and mistresses are not tyrants, as some of you know 
by experience ; for you have found in them, some- 
thing, at least, of the kindness of a second father or 
mother. Here there are certainly strong claims upon 
your affection, as they have cared for you with the 
kindness of parents, you should serve them with the 
deep interest and devoted attachment of children. 
We have a right to expect, in such instances, that as 
we have studied your comfort, you would study oars ; 
that when sickness invades our frame or our family, 
you will minister at the sick bed by night or by day, 
not grudging your ease or your sleep, so that you 
might do us good; that when losses diminish our 
property and our comforts, you will most tenderly 
sympathize with us, mingling your tears with ours, 
and be willing to share with us the reduction of our 
usual plenty and gratification ; that, in short, in all our 
afflictions, you will be afflicted with us, and be the 
sharers of all our joys. We did not, and we could not 
bargain with you for such a duty as this ; affection can- 
not be made an article of a money contract ; it must 
be given, or it is worth nothing, and indeed, bought 
and sold it cannot be. Instances of a generous af- 



202 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



fection of this kind, we have perhaps all known ; in- 
stances of servants so attached to their masters and 
mistresses, as to follow them, and remain in their 
service through all the vicissitudes of fortune ; as to 
descend with them from the lofty eminence, and lux- 
urious gratifications of prosperity, down into the lowly, 
and desolate, and barren vale of poverty, there to suf- 
fer want with them ; as to leave their native land, and 
cross the seas, and dwell in a foreign country with 
them ; as even to find in their love to their master 
and mistress, a principle and a feeling, that reconciled 
them to all the sufferings they endured on their ac- 
count. I know a servant, who, when her master failed 
in business, brought down her little hoard of savings, 
amounting to nearly thirty pounds, and entreated him, 
with tears, to accept and apply it for the comfort and 
relief of his family. " Sir," said a lady to a minister 
who called upon her in sickness, " that girl," alluding 
to her servant, " who has just ]eft the room, is a great- 
er comfort to me, than I can express. She watches 
me with the affection of a daughter and the care of a 
nurse. When my complaints make me peevish, she 
contrives something to soothe me. I often observe 
her taking pains to discover what would add to my 
comfort, and often am presented with the thing I wish 
for, before I express it in words. I live without sus- 
picion, for I perceive her to be conscientious, even to 
scrupulosity ; my chief complaint is, that she takes too 
much care of me, that I cannot make her take suffi- 
cient care of herself." 

Servants, look at this character, admire it, imitate it. 

Thirdly. There are duties ivhich servants in the 
same family owe to each other. 

There ought to be no tyranny nor oppression exer- 
cised by one over the other. This is often the case in 
those families which employ a numerous retinue of 
domestics, and which admit the distinction of superior 
and inferior servants. There is sometimes in such 
households, a system of great cruelty carried on, alto- 
gether unknown to the master. Some poor creatures 
are degraded into the condition of a slave to the other 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



203 



servants, and drag on a miserable existence, under the 
heavy yoke which has been imposed upon them, by 
an unfeeling minion, who stands before the master's 
eye, and has always his ear at command. 

Strive to agree with each other, for families are of- 
ten disturbed by the quarrels of the servants, and the 
uproar in the kitchen, is distinctly heard by the guests 
in the parlor. You should bear with one another's 
infirmities, and never take delight in thwarting each 
other. Instead of finding pleasure in converting the 
infirmities, of any one into a means of annoying, and 
a source of vexation to her, carefully avoid whatever, 
by appealing to these imperfections, or bringing them 
into notice, would render the subject of them, irrita- 
ble or sullen. Never tease one another, which is too 
often done, especially where an individual is known 
to be petulant. The worst consequences have some- 
times arisen from this practice. A few days ago, I 
saw an individual put to the bar of his country, upon 
an indictment for manslaughter, under the following 
circumstances. — His fellow servants, aware of his pet- 
ulant disposition, provoked him by some petty vexa- 
tions, till, in his rage, he hurled a hammer at them, 
which struck one of them in the head, and inflicted a 
wound of which he died. 

Never bear tales to your employers, for the purpose 
of exciting a prejudice against each other, and in- 
gratiating yourselves into their favor. A supplanter 
is a most hateful character, at once despicable and 
despised. 

At the same time, you are not to connive at sin ; if 
your fellow servants do any thing wrong, either in the 
way of drunkenness, lewdness, or dishonesty, you owe 
it to your master, to make him acquainted with the 
fact. You are dishonest if you conceal the dishonesty 
of others, and you are a partaker of those vices, which 
you allow to be perpetrated under your notice, with- 
out making it known. 

Servants that make a profession of religion, have 
great need to conduct themselves with singular pro- 
priety. Towards their masters and mistresses there 



204 



THE FAMILY MONITOR ! OR 



should be the deepest humility, and the very reverse 
of every thing that bears even a distant resemblance 
of spiritual pride. There must be no consciousness 
of superiority, no air of importance, no affected sanc- 
tity : but a meek, modest, unobtrusive exhibition of 
the influence of religion, in making them strictly con- 
scientious and exemplary, in the discharge of all the 
duties of their station. Their piety should be seen, 
not only in a constant anxiety to attend to the public 
means of grace, and in a regular performance of the 
private duties of religion, but also in making them 
more respectful and obedient ; more meek and sub- 
missive ; more honest and diligent, than all the rest. 
That servant does not adorn the doctrine of God her 
Saviour in all things, who does not shine in her sphere 
as a servant. There are occasions when you may 
seek to do good to those who employ you, if they are 
yet living without the possession of piety. Instances 
have occurred, in which such as you have been the 
instruments of converting their employers: and a 
visible, but unostentatious exhibition of eminent and 
consistent piety, supported by as eminent a discharge 
of the duties of your station, followed by a modest 
and judicious introduction of the subject when a 
suitable occasion presents itself, may, by the grace 
of God, be blessed for the salvation of your master 
and mistress. 

If, on the other hand, your profession of religion be 
not supported by consistency ; if it render you proud, 
conceited, and consequential ; if it be accompanied 
by an unsubdued temper, or by habits of inattention 
to the duties of your place ; if it makes you trouble- 
some about your religious privileges, so that in a time 
of emergency or sickness, you will not give up a sin- 
gle sermon without murmuring and sullenness, you 
do not glorify God, but dishonor him ; you excite a 
prejudice against religion, rather than produce a pre- 
possession in its favor. 

Towards your fellow servants you should be meek, 
obliging, and generous ; assuming nothing on the 
ground of your piety, never disgusting them by any 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 205 



apparent consciousness of superior sanctity, but at the 
same time, never scrupling to let them know and see 
that you fear God. Timidly to conceal your regards 
to the claims of religion, or vauntingly to acknowl- 
edge them, would equally excite a prejudice ; but to 
yield to them with a firmness, that ridicule and oppo- 
sition cannot bend, a consistency that scrutiny cannot 
impeach, and a humility that the reproached con- 
science of those who are offended, cannot misrep- 
resent, will be sure to raise admiration, and, by the 
blessing of God, may produce imitation. 

Are any of your fellow servants living in the neg- • 
lect of religion, it is your duty, in a solemn and affec- 
tionate manner to warn them. " I knew a religious 
servant," says Mr. Jane way, " that after other endeav- 
ors for the conversion of one of his fellows, had proved 
ineffectual, spent some time at midnight to pray for 
him, and being very importunate, his voice was heard in 
the next chamber, where the object of his pious soli- 
citude lay, who, on hearing the voice of entreaty, rose 
from bed to listen, and was so struck with the affec- 
tionate concern that was breathed out for him, that he 
was converted by the prayer." 

Let me now, in conclusion, exhort you to attend to 
the duties which have been set before you. It may 
be felt as a motive to this, to consider that though you 
are servants, you are not slaves, as was the case with 
those who are addressed by the apostles, in their in- 
spired writings. Yes, they were slaves, and yet are 
they admonished to give honor and service to those, 
who held them by a tie which they could not break. 
You are free, and your labor is voluntary ; you sell 
it for a stipulated price, and are not degraded by your 
situation : nothing can degrade you, but bad conduct. 
Your interest lies in the faithful discharge of your 
duties. This will secure to you peace and serenity 
of mind, the respect and attachment of your employ- 
ers, the esteem of the public, the testimony of con- 
science, and the approbation of God. You will thus 
help to diffuse happiness through the families in which 
you reside ; for a good servant is one of those springs 



206 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. 



of domestic comfort, and daily refreshes, by its pure 
and pleasant stream, the members of the little com- 
munity in the house, who, in return, will do what they 
can to promote your present comfort, and provide for 
your future support, when the days of sickness, and the 
years of old age shall come upon you. And remem- 
ber that God is every where, and his eye is always 
upon you. " He compasseth your path, and knoweth 
your down sitting and up rising, and there is not a 
word upon your tongue, but he knoweth it altogether." 
You may have an absent master, but you cannot have 
an absent God. And he cites your conscience to his 
side, to take a correct copy, and lodge it in your bo- 
som, of the record of your actions, words, and feelings, 
which he writes down in the book of his remembrance. 
Time is short, life is uncertain, death is at hand, and 
the judgement approaching, when it will be of no 
consequence who was master, and who was servant, 
but only who was holy and faithful. God is now your 
witness, and will be hereafter your judge. Have the 
promises and the threatenings of the great master, 
little efficacy ? Are heaven, glory, and eternal hap- 
piness worth nothing ? If so, what think you of con- 
demnation, wrath, and everlasting misery ? If the 
former signify little, do the latter signify no more ? 
Then I must confess, I know not what further to sav, 
for I have exhausted the differences of time, and the 
varieties of eternity ; I have spread out the miseries 
which sin brings, and the pleasure which holiness pro- 
duces upon earth ; and have added to this the consid- 
eration of the eternal torment which iniquity draws 
upon itself in hell, and the everlasting felicity which 
religion conducts the soul to enjoy in heaven: — what 
more can I add — but simply to say, choose ye, wheth- 
er to you it shall be said in the last day by the Lord 
Jesus Christ, " Thou wicked and slothful serv- 
ant, DEPART ACCURSED FROM ME INTO EVERLASTING 
FIRE, PREPARED FOR THE DEVIL AND HIS ANGELS ;" 

or "Well done, thou good and faithful servant, 

ENTER THOU INTO THE JOY OF THY LORD." 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 207 



CHAPTER VIII. 

ON THE FRATERNAL DUTIES. 

" Next in order to the relationship of the parent and the child may 
be considered the relation which the child bears to those who are 
united with him by the same tie to the same parental bosom. If 
friendship be delightful, if it be above all delightful to enjoy the con- 
tinued friendship of those who are endeared to us by the intimacy 
of many years, who can discourse with us of the frolics of the school, 
of the adventures and studies of the college, of the years when we 
first ranked ourselves with men in the free society of the world, how 
delightful must be the friendship of those who, accompanying us 
through all this long period, with a closer union than any casual 
friend, can go still farther back, from the school to the very nursery, 
which witnessed our common pastimes ; who have had an interest 
in every event that has related to us, and every person that excited 
our love or our hatred ; who have honored with us those to whom 
we have paid every filial honor in life, and wept with us over those 
whose death has been to us the most lasting sorrow of our heart ! 
Such, in its wide, unbroken sympathy, is the friendship of brothers, 
considered even as friendship only ; and how many circumstances 
of additional interest does this union receive, from the common 
relationship to those who have original claims to our still higher 
regard, and to whom we offer an acceptable service, in extending 
our affection to those whom they love ! In treating of the circum- 
stances that tend peculiarly to strengthen this tie, Cicero extends 
his view even to the common sepulchre that is at last to enclose us. 
It is, indeed, a powerful image, a symbol, and almost a lesson of 
unanimity. Every dissention of man with man excites in us a feel- 
ing of painful incongruity. But we feel a peculiar incongruity in the 
discord of those whom one roof has continued to shelter through life, 
and whose dust is afterwards to mingle under a single stone." — Dr. 
Thomas Brown. 

To secure the comfort and well being of a state, it 
is not only necessary for the sovereign to be wise and 
patriotic, and the laws justly and impartially adminis- 
tered, but the people must be well affected both to- 
wards the government, and towards each other ; there 
must be a tie which binds them to each other, as well 
as to the state ; there must be the fellowship of good 
neighborhood. So, also, the happiness and welfare 
of a family depend not exclusively on the conduct of 
the parents to the children, nor on the conduct of the 
children to the parents, but also on the conduct of the 
children to each other. No family can be happy 
where a right feeling is wanting on the part of broth- 



208 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



ers and sisters. Nothing can be a substitute for this 
defect ; and it is of great importance that all young 
people should have this set in a proper light before 
them. Many households are a constant scene of con- 
fusion, a perpetual field of strife, and an affecting 
spectacle of misery, through the quarrels and ill will 
of those, who, as flesh of each other's flesh, and blood 
of each other's blood, ought to have towards each 
other no feeling but that of love, and to use no words 
but those of kindness. 

I will divide the fraternal duties into three kinds. 

Those that are appropriate to the season of child- 
hood — of youth — of manhood. 

The general principles which are to regulate the 
discharge of these duties, and on which, indeed, they 
rest, are the same in reference to all seasons of life. 
Love, for instance, is equally necessary, whether broth- 
ers and sisters are sporting together in the nursery, 
dwelling together as young men and women beneath 
the parental roof, or descending the hill of life at the 
head of separate establishments and families of their 
own. Over and above the feelings of friendship, or 
of moral esteem, there must be those of complacency 
in them, as related to us by the ties of consanguinity; 
a consciousness, that, by the dispensations of provi- 
dence in uniting them to us by a bond of nature, and 
which nothing but death can dissolve, they have ac- 
quired a claim upon our efforts to make them happy, 
which is stronger than that of any strangers, except 
it be in those cases, where our brothers and sisters 
have, by their unkind and cruel conduct, thrown off 
every thing but their name, and the stranger has as- 
sumed towards us the heart of a brother. And even 
in this case, we must still consider that they are our 
brothers, mourn their alienation with grief, view their 
aberrations with pity, watch them in ther wanderings 
with an anxious interest, and keep the way open for 
their return to our fellowship. Children of the same 
parent, who are wanting in love, are wanting in the 
first virtue of a brother and a sister as such. It is 
true, they may find companions more to their taste, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 209 



considered as mere subjects of intellectual or general 
companionship, persons of more agreeable manners, of 
more pleasing tempers, of more cultivated minds ; but 
these are not brothers, nor must the perception, which 
in some cases it is impossible to avoid, of their great 
superiority in many respects, destroy that natural im- 
pulse, which the heart ought ever to feel and to obey, 
towards a brother or a sister. This love must of 
course be increased or diminished in its exercise by 
circumstances, such as good or bad conduct, kindness 
or unkindness ; but nothing must destroy the principle. 
The scripture, which is so replete with admonitions 
on almost every other subject, has said little on this ; 
it has left nature spontaneously to send forth its fra- 
ternal energies ; and, though containing many exhor- 
tations to the children of God to abound in brotherly 
love, has said little on this topic to the children of 
men ; a reserve which seems rather to imply that the 
duty is so obvious and so easy as not to need an in- 
junction, than that the discharge of it is not obligatory 
or not important. A child, a youth, or a man, who 
feels no goings forth of his heart, no peculiar interest, 
no appropriate and restrictive emotions towards a 
brother or a sister, is wanting in one of those social 
virtues, which it was certainly the intention of Provi- 
dence should arise out of the relative ties. 

But I will now go on to state how the various fra- 
ternal duties should be discharged in childhood. 

Brothers and sisters should make it a study to pro- 
mote each other's happiness. They should take pleas- 
ure in pleasing each other, instead of each being 
selfishly taken up in promoting his own separate en- 
joyment. They should never envy each other's grati- 
fication ; if one has a more valuable plaything than 
the other, the rest should rather rejoice than be sorry. 
Envy in children is likely to grow into a most baleful 
and malignant disposition. They should never take 
each other's possessions away, and be always willing 
to lend what cannot be divided, and to share what 
does admit of being divided. Each must do all he can 
to promote the happiness of the whole. They should 



210 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. OR 



ever be indifferent to each other's sorrows, much less 
laugh at, and sport with each other's tears and griefs. 
It is a lovely sight to see one child weeping because 
another is in distress. A boy that sees his brother or 
sister weep, and can be unconcerned or merry at the 
sight, would, when he becomes a man, in all proba- 
bility, see them starve without helping them. Child- 
ren should never accuse each other to their parents, 
nor like to see each other punished. An informer 
is a hateful and detestable character ; but an infor- 
mer against his brother or sister is the most detesta- 
ble of all spies. If, however, one should see another 
doing that which is wrong, and which is known to 
be contrary to the will of their parents, he should 
first in a kind and gentle manner point out the wrong, 
and give an intimation that if it be not discontinued, 
he shall be obliged to mention it ; and if the warning 
be not taken, it is then manifestly his duty to ac- 
quaint their parents with the fact. They must not 
tease or torment one another. How much domestic 
uneasiness sometimes arises from this source ! One 
of the children, perhaps, has an infirmity or weakness 
of temper, or awkwarkness of manner, or personal de- 
formity, and the rest, instead of pitying it, tease and 
torment the unhappy individual, till all get quarrelling 
and crying together. Is this promoting their mutual 
comfort ? If there be any one of the family that is in 
bad health, or weakly, all the rest, instead of neglect- 
ing that one, ought to strive to the uttermost to amuse 
him. How pleasing a sight it is, to see a child giving 
up his play time to read to, or converse with, a sick 
brother or sister ! while nothing is more disgusting 
than that selfishness which will not spare a single hour 
for the amusement of the poor sufferer upon the bed, 
or the little prisoner in the nursery. As to fighting, 
quarrelling, or calling ill names, this is so utterly dis- 
graceful, that it is a deep shame upon those children 
who live in such practises. Dr. Watts has very beau- 
tifully said :— 

"Whatever brawls disturb the street, 
There should be peace at home ; 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS- 211 



Where sisters dwell and brothers meet, 
Quarrels should never come. 

" Birds in their little nests agree j 

And 'tis a shameful sight, 
When children of one family 

Fall out, and chide, and right. 

" Hard names, at first, and threat'ning words, 

That are but noisy breath, 
May grow to clubs and naked swords, 

To murder and to death." 

Children that are removed from home to school 
should be both watchful over and kind to each other. 
They should manifest a peculiar and kind interest in 
each other's comfort, and not neglect one another. It 
is pleasant to see two brothers or two sisters, always 
anxious to have each other as playmates, or as mem- 
bers of the little circles with which they associate, 
defending one another from oppression or unkindness, 
and striving to make their absence from home as com- 
fortable as they can by their mutual kindness. 

I go on now to show in what way brothers and sis- 
ters should behave towards each other during the 

SEASON OF YOUTH. 

I now suppose them to have arrived at the age of 
fourteen, and state their obligations between that pe- 
riod and the time when they settle in life. There 
should of course be a tender attachment, which becomes 
stronger, and more visible, as they acquire a greater 
power of reason to understand their relationship, and 
the design of Providence in forming this relation. 
Instead of this, however, we sometimes see brothers 
and sisters become more and more indifferent to each 
other, as they recede farther from the period of in- 
fancy. They should now reason upon the closeness of 
their relationship, and let the understanding give an 
additional impulse to their hearts. They should be 
fond of each other's society, and put forth all their 
ingenuity to please one another. It would have a de- 
lightful influence upon their mutual attachment, if their 
little separate proportion of pocket money were some- 
times employed in making each other presents. How 
happy a state of feeling would be produced, if a sis- 



212 



THE FAMILY MONITOR t OR 



ter, after having incidentally expressed a wish for 
some little article, were to be surprised soon after by 
rinding that a brother had, unknown to her, purchased 
the elegant or useful trifle, and placed it upon her 
toilet or work table ! Sisters should put forth all their 
assiduity to provide for brothers whatever the needle 
can do for their personal accommodation, and feel a 
hallowed delight in giving their labor to increase the 
comforts and conveniences of those whom it should 
be their study to please. A family of grown up child- 
ren should be the constant scene of uninterrupted 
harmony, where love, guided by ingenuity, puts forth 
all its power to please, by those mutual good offices, 
and minor acts of beneficence, of which every day 
furnishes the opportunity, and which, while they cost 
little in the way either of money or labor, contribute 
so much to the happiness of the household. One of 
the most delightful sights in our world, where there is 
so much moral deformity to disgust, and so much un- 
kindness to distress, is a domestic circle, where the 
parents are surrounded by their children, of which, 
the daughters are being employed in elegant or useful 
work, and the elder brother reading some instructive 
and improving volume, for the benefit or entertainment 
of the whole. This is the scene which more than jus- 
tifies the beautiful apostrophe of the sweetest and 
most tender of all poets : — 

tc Domestic happiness, thou only bliss 
Of Paradise that hast survived the fall ! 
Though few now taste thee unimpaired and pure, 
Or, tasting, long enjoy thee ; too infirm 
Or too incautious to preserve thy sweets 
Unmixt with drops of bitter, which neglect 
Or temper sheds into thy crystal cup. 
Thou art the nurse of virtue — in thine arms 
She dwells, appearing, as in truth she is, 
Heaven-born, and destined to the skies again. 
Thou art not known where pleasure is adored, 
That reeling goddess with the zoneless waist, 
And wandering eyes, still leaning on the arm 
Of novelty, her fickle, frail support ; 
For thou art meek and constant, hating change, 
And finding, in the calm of truth-tried love, 
Joys that her stormy raptures never yield. 
Forsaking thee, what shipwreck have we made 
Of honor, dignity, and fair renown I" 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 213 

Scenes are to be found, (but, alas, how rarely!) which 
give meaning and force to these lovely strains. 
Young people, seek your happiness in each other's 
society. What can the brother find in the circle of 
dissipation, or amongst the votaries of intemperance, 
to compare with this? What can the sister find 
amidst the concert of sweet sounds, that has music for 
the soul, compared with this domestic harmony ? or 
in the glitter and fashionable confusion, and mazy 
dance of the ball-room, compared with these pure, 
calm, sequestered joys, which are to be found at the 
fire-side of a happy family ? What can the theatre 
yield that is comparable with this ? 

" Oh evenings worthy of the gods ! exclaimed 
The Sabine band ; Oh evenings, I reply, 
More to be prized and coveted than yours, 
As more illumined, and with nobler truths, 
That I, and mine, and those we love enjoy. 
Cards were surperfluous here, with all the tricks 
That idleness has ever yet contrived 
To fill the void of an unfurnished brain, 
To palliate dullness, and give time a shove." 

I would advise all young people to read " The 
Task," and especially the fourth book ; and to read it 
till they grow in love with those pure and hallowed 
home-born pleasures, which are at once the most at- 
tainable and the most satisfying of any to be found in 
our curse-stricken world. 

It is of great importance to the pleasant intercourse 
of brothers and sisters, that each should pay particular 
attention to the cultivation of the temper. I have 
known all the comfort of a family destroyed by the 
influence of one passionate or sullen disposition. 
Where such a disposition unhappily exists, the sub- 
ject of it should take pains to improve it, and the 
other branches of the family, instead of teasing, or 
irritating, or provoking it, should exercise all possible 
forbearance, and, with ingenious kindness, help their 
unfortunate relative in the difficult business of self- 
control. 

As woman seems formed by nature to execute the 
offices of a nurse, sisters should be peculiarly kind and 
tender to sick brothers ; for there are few things which 



214 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



tend more to conciliate affection, than sympathy with 
us in our sufferings, and all those gentle and willing 
efforts, which, if they cannot mitigate our pains, have 
such a power to soothe our minds and divert our at- 
tention from the sense of suffering. 

Mutual respect should be shown by brothers and 
sisters ; all course, vulgar, degrading terms and modes 
of address should be avoided, and nothing but what 
is courteous either done or said. The intercourse of 
such relatives should be marked, not, indeed, by the 
stiffness of ceremony, nor the coldness of formality, 
nor the cautious timidity of suspicion, but by the po- 
liteness of good manners, blended with all the tender- 
ness of love. It is peculiarly requisite also, that while 
this is maintained at home, there should not be dis- 
respectful neglect in company. It is painful for a 
sister to find herself more neglected than the veriest 
stranger, and thus exposed to others as one in whom 
her brother feels no interest. 

Brothers ought not, even in lesser matters, to be 
tyrants over their sisters, and expect from them the ob- 
sequiousness of slaves. The poor girls are sometimes 
sadly treated, and rendered miserable by the caprice 
and freaks, and iron yoke of some insolent and lordly 
boy. Where the parents are living, they ought not 
to suffer such oppression. Of such a despot let all 
young women beware, for he that is a tyrant to his 
sister is sure to be a tyrant also to a wife. 

It is of great consequence, that brothers and sisters 
should maintain epistolary correspondence when ab- 
sent from each other. It must be a very strong regard 
which separation, especially when it is for a long time, 
does not diminish. Flames burn brightest in the vi- 
cinity of each other. An affectionate letter, received 
from an absent friend, tends to fan the dying spark 
of affection. They who can be long separated with- 
out such a bond as this, are already in a state of in- 
difference to each other, and are in rapid progress to 
still wider alienation. 

Brothers and sisters should be very careful not to 
become estranged from each other after the death of 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



215 



their parents ; of which there is always some danger. 
While one parent remains, though the other be gone 
to the sepulchre, there is a common centre of family 
affection still left, by drawing near to which, the 
members are kept near to each other; but when this 
survivor has also departed, the point of union is gone, 
and the household is likely, without great watchful- 
ness, to be divided and distracted. How often does 
this happen by the division of the family property.* 
The grave has scarcely closed over the parental re- 
mains, before strife, confusion, and every evil work 
begin in reference to the patrimonial possessions. To 
guard against this, the father should ever have his 
will made, a will made upon the obvious principles of 
wisdom and equity. Any attempt, on the part of one 
child, to turn a parent's mind from the line of strict 
impartiality and equity towards the others ; any ad- 
vantage taken of opportunities of more frequent access 
to the parental ear and prejudices, to gain more than 
a just share of his property, is an act so base, so foul, 
and wicked, as to deserve the most severe, and impas- 
sioned, and indignant reprehension. Even in this 
case, however, the injured branches of the family 
should not so far resent the matter, as to withdraw 
from all intercourse with the supplanter : remonstrate 
they may, and abate something of their esteem and 
regard they must, but still they are required by scrip- 
ture to forgive him, and not to cherish hatred, or to 
manifest revenge. Unless in cases of unusual and 
extraordinary rapacity, the fraternal intercourse ought 
not to be stopped by unfair advantages of this kind. 

There are instances, however, in which an unequal 
division of property is not an unjust one, and ought 
not to be felt as such, by the party which receives the 
lesser share. If one child has become possessed of 
wealth from another source, I do not think that he 
ought to consider himself unfairly dealt with, if he do 
not receive so large a portion of the family property, 
as his brothers and sisters do. Or if there be one 
branch of the family prevented, by the visitations of 
* This, perhaps, rather belongs to the third division of the subject, 



216 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Providence, from all active labor, the rest ought not 
to think it unfair, if a parent make a larger provision 
for this deformed or helpless child, than for the other 
branches. The alienation of brothers and sisters on 
account of pecuniary matters, is usually a matter of 
deep disgrace to them all ; not only to the spoiler, 
but also to the rest. 

But in what terms shall I depict the atrocious 
wickedness of a villanous brother, who, after the 
death of their parents, would employ his influence to 
wheedle and swindle an unmarried sister out of her 
property, and reduce her to poverty and dependance, 
to indulge his own rapacity, or to avert calamity from 
himself? Such wretches have existed, and do exist, 
who, taking advantage of a sister's strong affection, 
combined with her ignorance of money matters, never 
cease, till, by all the arts of subtlety, they have got out 
of her possession the last shilling she has in the world ; 
and then, perhaps, when she has nothing more for 
them to pilfer, abandon the victim of their cruelty, 
with the remors^lessness of a highwayman, to want 
and misery. Let such monsters remember, that there 
is one in heaven whose eye has been upon all their 
wicked arts and cruel robbery, and who, for all these 
things will bring them into judgement. It is an act of 
cruelty in any brother, who, without any dishonest in- 
tention, perhaps, would wish to jeopardize the property 
of a sister, in order, either to increase his own gains, 
or to avert his own dreaded misfortunes. She may be 
very unfitted to struggle with poverty, and altogether 
disqualified for earning support by her own industry, 
and therefore ought not to be exposod to the danger 
of losing her property. Cases do occur sometimes in 
which it may be proper, and even necessary, for the 
property of unmarried sisters to be employed in the 
trade of their brothers ; but as a general rule it is un- 
advisable : and where it does happen, the latter should 
let all their conduct be conducted on the principles of 
the greatest caution, the most rigid integrity, and the 
noblest generosity. 

Brothers ought ever, after the death of their pa- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



217 



rents, to consider themselves as the natural guardians 
of unmarried sisters ; their advisers in difficulty, their 
comforters in distress, their protectors in danger, their 
sincere, tender, liberal, and unchanging friends, amidst 
all the scenes and vicissitudes of life. It is rarely 
advisable that a sister should permanently dwell with 
a married brother ; but then, even the much stronger 
claims of the wife ought not to cancel or throw into 
oblivion those of the sister. 

I will now suppose the case of one or more branches 
of the family, who are brought by divine grace to be 
partakers of true religion, and point out what is their 
duty to the rest, and what the duty of the rest to them. 
In reference to the former, it is manifestly their solemn 
and irrevocable obligation, to seek, by every affection- 
ate, scriptural, and judicious effort, the real conversion 
of those of the family who are yet living without 
heartfelt religion. O, how often has the leaven of 
piety, when, by divine mercy and power, it has been 
laid in the heart of one of the family, spread through 
nearly the whole household ! How often has fraternal 
love, when it has soared to its sublimest height, and, 
with a heaven-kindled ambition, aimed at the loftiest 
object which benevolence can possibly pursue, by 
seeking the salvation of a brother's soul, secured its 
prize, and received its rich reward ! Young people, 
whose hearts are under the influence of piety, but 
whose hearts also bleed for those, who, though they 
are the children of the same earthly parent, are not 
yet the children of your Father in heaven, I call upon 
you by all the love you bear your brothers and sisters ; 
by all the affection you bear for your parents ; by all 
the higher love you bear to God and Christ, to seek 
by every proper means the conversion of those, who, 
though bound to you by the ties of nature, are not 
yet united by the bond of grace. Make it an object 
with you to win their souls. Pray for it constantly. 
Put forth in your own example all the beauties of ho- 
liness. Seek for the most undeviating consistency, 
since a single want of this, would only strengthen the 
prejudice you are anxious to subdue. Let them see 
19 



218 



THE FAMILY MONITOR I OR 



your religion in your conscientiousness, your joy, your 
humility, your meekness, your love. In all the gene- 
ral duties of life, be more than ordinarily exact. Win 
their affections by the kindest and most conciliating 
conduct. Avoid all consciousness of superiority. At- 
tempt not to scold them out of their sins. Avoid the 
language of reproach. Draw them with the cords of 
love, for they are the bands of a man. Now and then 
recommend to their perusal a valuable book. When 
they are absent, write to them on the subject of reli- 
gion. But, at the same time, do not disgust them by 
boring them with religion. Seize favorable oppor- 
tunities, and wisely improve them. Point them to 
eminently happy, consistent, and useful Christians. 
Comply with all their wishes that are lawful, but give 
not up one atom of your consistency. Pliancy on your 
part to meet their tastes and pursuits, if they are con- 
trary to God's word, will only disgust them : mild 
firmness will secure their respect. And crown all 
with earnest prayer for that grace, without which no 
means can be successful. How knowest thou but thou 
shalt gain thy brother ? And, O, what a conquest ! 

And what shall be said to the unconverted party ? 
Shall such means be unsuccessful ? Will you resist 
this holy, benevolent influence ? Will you oppose 
these efforts to draw you to heaven ? Will you leave 
your sister to travel alone to the skies, and determine 
to separate from her for ever, and pursue your course 
to perdition ? Will you seek the dreadful, the fatal 
distinction, of being alone in your family as the ene- 
my of God, the captive of Satan ? Shall a sister's 
solicitude for your salvation, and all the active efforts 
which it puts forth, be only a savor of death unto 
death to you ? Pause and ponder, young man ! Alter 
your purpose ; take her by the hand, and say to her, 
" Your affection has conquered ; I will go with you, for 
I know that God is with you." But, perhaps, instead 
of this, you are a persecutor. What, a persecutor of 
religion, and of a sister, at the same time ! Yes, you 
reject with scorn these efforts for your salvation, and 
treat her with ridicule and unkindness by whom they 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



219 



are made. Is it so ? What, wicked enough for this ! 
What, carry your enmity to piety so far as to embitter 
the life of a sister, for no other reason than because 
she bows her heart to its influence ! Recollect, the 
contest is not between you and her, but between you 
and God. It is not as a sister, but as a Christian, that 
she is the object of your displeasure, and, therefore, 
your ill will is against religion, and if against religion, 
then against God, for religion is the image of God in 
the soul of his rational creatures. Did you ever read 
or her athat fearful denunciation ? If not, read it now, 
— "Wo to him that contendeth with his Maker." 
This wo is uttered against every persecutor of reli- 
gion, and therefore is against you. 

The responsibility of elder brothers and sisters, 
especially that of the first born, is great indeed. 
They are looked up to by the younger branches of the 
family as examples, and their example has great influ- 
ence, in some cases greater than that of the parent : 
it is the example of one more upon a level with them- 
selves, more near to them, more constantly before 
them than that of the parent, and is, on these accounts, 
more influential. It is of immense consequence, 
therefore, to their juniors, how these conduct them- 
selves. If they are bad, they are likely to lead all the 
rest astray ; if good, they may have great power in 
leading them aright. They bring companions, books, 
recreations, before the rest, which are proper or im- 
proper according as their own taste is. It is a most 
distressing spectacle to see an elder brother or sister 
training up younger ones, by his own conduct and 
precept, in the ways of wickedness. Such a youth is 
an awful character: like Satan, he goeth about seeking 
whom, by his temptations, he may destroy ; but worse, 
in some respects more wicked and more cruel than 
his prototype, he marks out his own brother as the 
victim of his cruelty, and the dupe of his wiles. Whole 
families have, in some cases, been schooled in iniquity 
by one unprincipled elder son. What will such a 
brother have to answer for in the day of judgement, 
and what will be his torment in hell, when the souls of 



220 



THE FAMILY MONITOR. OR 



those whom he has ruined shall be near him, and by 
their ceaseless reproaches become his eternal torment- 
ors ! In other cases, what a blessing to a family has 
been a steady, virtuous, and pious elder brother or sis- 
ter ! Many a weak and sickly mother has given daily 
thanks to God for a daughter, who by her attentions 
was a kind of second mother to the younger members 
of the family, whom she did her uttermost to train up 
in her own useful and holy habits* Many a father 
has felt with equal gratitude the blessing of having in 
his first-born son, not only a help to himself in the 
cares of business, but in the work of education; a son 
who lent all the power of an amiable and religious 
example, to form the character of his younger brothers. 
Let such young persons consider their responsibility, 
and at the same time let those who are their juniors 
in the family consider their duty. If they have a good 
example in their elder brothers and sisters, they should 
make it not only the object of attention and admira- 
tion, but also of imitation : but, on the other hand-, if, 
unhappily, the conduct of their seniors be bad, let them 
not follow them in their evil course ; let no threats, 
no bribes, no persuasions, induce them to comply with 
the temptation to do what is wrong. 

I have now to allude to the discharge of fraternal 
duties during the whole period of our lives, after the 
season of youth has passed away. This has been an- 
ticipated in part already. Families are soon broken 
up ; the parents die, the children marry and form sepa- 
rate establishments, and bring around them separate 
families of their own. This division of the original 
stock does not, however, destroy, although it necessa- 
rily must weaken, the fraternal tie. Pope beautifully 
remarks, 

" Thus beast and bird their common charge attend, 
The mothers nurse it, and the sires defend ; 
The young dismissed to wander earth or air, 
There stops the instinct, and there ends the care : 
The link dissolves, each seeks a fresh embrace ; 
Another love succeeds, another race. 
A longer care man's helpless kind demands ; 
That longer care contracts more lasting bands. 
Still as one brood, and as another rose, 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 



221 



These natural, love maintained, habitual, those 
Reflection, reason, still the ties improve, 
At once extend the interest and the love ; 
And still new needs, new helps, new habits rise, 
That graft benevolence on charities." 

Great care is necessary, however, that when the 
centre of fraternal charities is gone, and each child 
becomes himself a centre of similar emotions and 
impulses, the interest of brothers and sisters in each 
other do not altogether cease. Brothers and sisters 
are brothers and sisters still, though they dwell in 
different quarters of the globe, are each at the head of 
families of their own, are distinguished in their cir- 
cumstances by the varieties of affluence and poverty, 
and have attained to the age of threescore years and 
ten : and the tie that unites them ought to be felt 
coiling round their hearts, and its influence ought to 
be seen in producing all those tender offices, which a 
common relationship to the same parent certainly 
demands. The next generation may, from various 
causes, lose their interest in each other. Regard for 
remote relations becomes, in every country, less and 
less, according as law extends its protection, com- 
merce diffuses its wealth, and civilization multiplies 
its comforts. Where clanship is necessary for mutual 
protection, "the families that spring from one com- 
mon stock continue to cling to each other for aid, 
almost as if they lived together under the same roof ; 
it is truly one wide family, rather than a number of 
families ; the history of the tribe in its remote years 
of warfare and victory, is the history of each individual 
of the tribe ; and the mere remembrance of the ex- 
ploits cf those who fought with one common object, 
around the representative of their common ancestor, 
is like the feeling of the fraternal or filial relation, pro- 
longed from age to age." This is not the case, how- 
ever, in that state of society in which we are placed, 
where the feeling of affectionate interest, of fraternal 
love, rarely survives the next generation from the fa- 
ther, and often dies long before that has completed its 
course. Brothers and sisters ought, however, to keep 
up, as long as they live, their mutual love. They 
19* 



222 . THE FAMILY MONITOR *. OR 

should not suffer new, and, it is confessed, still nearer 
relations, to produce a total oblivion of, or alienation 
from, each other. If dwelling in distant parts of the 
kingdom, epistolary correspondence should be main- 
tained, sympathy in their mutual- joys and sorrows 
should be cherished, occasional visits, as opportunity 
might allow, should be paid, and, every thing done, by 
mutual kind offices, to comfort each other, on the 
rough and stormy journey of life. If dwelling to- 
gether in the same town, their intercourse should be 
such as to constrain spectators to exclaim, " Behold 
how good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell to- 
gether in unity !" There should be that tenderness, 
which would lead to all the delicate attentions that 
affection delights to pay, and at the same time that 
confidence, which would prevent offence from being- 
taken, when these were hindered by accident from be- 
ing paid. How utterly disgraceful is it to see brothers 
and sisters dwelling together in the same town yet 
living in a, state of continual strife, and sometimes in 
an utter suspension of all intercourse ! In such cases, 
there must be faults on both sides, though not, perhaps, 
in equal proportions. Those who marry into a family 
should be very cautious not to carry discord into it. 
Not unfrequently has it happened, that brothers have 
been embroiled by their wives, and sisters by their 
husbands ; and they who, till they were married, 
scarcely ever had an angry word from each other,, 
scarcely ever lived in peace afterwards. Happy and 
honorable is that family, which though it consist of 
numerous branches, and those, perhaps, nearly all 
married, and dwelling in the same vicinity, maintains, 
not, indeed, a state of coldness and formal intercourse, 
of which the highest praise is that it is free from strife,, 
but a fellowship of sympathy, helpfulness and love ! 

If, by the vicissitudes of life, and the various allot- 
ments of divine Providence, one branch of the family 
has been more successful than the rest, peculiar care 
must be exercised, that the latter should not expect too 
much from him in the way of attention and relief, nor 
the former yield too little. For any man to be asham- 



A HELP TO DOMESTIC HAPPINESS. 223 

ed of his poor brothers and sisters, to treat them with 
cold neglect or insulting pride, discovers a littleness 
of mind which deserves contempt, and a depravity of 
heart which merits our severest indignation : it is at 
once ingratitude to God and cruelty to man. It must 
be admitted, however, that it is extremely difficult to 
meet the demands and satisfy the expectations of poor 
relations, especially in those cases where their poverty 
is the fruit of their own indolence or extravagance. 
They have claims, it is acknowledged, and a good 
brother or sister will readily allow and cheerfully meet 
them ; but it must be for prudence, under the guidance 
of affection, to adjust their amount. It is unquestion- 
able, however, that though there are some few who 
have most indiscreetly impoverished themselves to 
help a needy, perhaps an undeserving, brother or sis- 
ter, the multitude have erred on the other side. Men 
or women of wealth, who choose to live in celibacy, 
and who have needy brothers and sisters, are cruel and 
hard-hearted creatures, if they suffer such relatives 
to want any thing for their real comfort. " Whoso 
hath this world's good, and seeth his brother have 
need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from 
him, how dwelleth the love of God in him ?" And 
what shall be said of those, who, in bequeathing their 
property, forget their poor relations ? The man who 
passes over a poor brother or sister and their families 
to endow a hospital, or enrich the funds of a religious 
society, to which, perhaps, he gave next to nothing 
while he lived, offers robbery for a burnt offering. 

I have now said all that appears to me to be impor- 
tant on the subject of fraternal duties. Is it necessary 
to call in the aid of motives to enforce the discharge of 
such obligations ? If so, 

Let your parents' comfort be a plea with you. How 
often have the hearts of such been half broken by the 
feuds of their children ! And even where the calami- 
ty has not gone to this extent, their cup has been im- 
bittered by the wrangles, quarrels, and perpetual 
strifes-of those who ought to have lived in undisturbed 
affection. 



224 



THE FAMILY MONITOR : OR 



Your own comfort and honor are involved in an at- 
tention to these duties. You cannot neglect the 
claims of a brother or a sister, without suffering a 
diminution in your happiness or your reputation, or 
both. 

The interests of society demand of you an attention 
to fraternal claims. As a son, you learn to be a good 
subject ; as a brother, you learn to be a good citizen. 
Rebellious children are traitors in the bud ; and he 
who has none of the right feelings of a brother, is 
training up for a parricide. 

And as to religion, fraternal duties necessarily arise 
out of its general principles, are enforced by its pre- 
vailing spirit more than by particular precepts, and 
are recommended by some of its most striking exam- 
ples ; for the first murder which stained the earth with 
human gore sprung from a want of brotherly affection ; 
and the family in which the Son of God found his lov- 
ed retreat on earth was that where, in the persons of 
Mary, and Martha, and Lazarus, fraternal love was 
imbodied and adorned. 



THE END. 



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